Whole Foods, a whole lotta misery.

For nearly four years, I've sworn up and down I would never, EVER opt for the grocery store cart with the car or fire engine or other large toy tacked to the front of the grocery cart. Never, not me. I'd eye parents with pity as they tried to maneuver the monstrosity through the aisles, making their wide turns and sacrificing their dignity for the happiness of their obviously spoiled rotten kids.

I think all parents or expectant parents better yet find it so easy to judge as they witness temper tantrums at the restaurant, or they see a parent dragging their child by the arm kicking and screaming, or running through the aisles of the grocery store with a box of Cocoa Pebbles in their arms. 'My kids will never mis-behave like that', I used to say. Well. If I could eat my words now, I'd be stuffed.

I was blessed by Alex with a shopper. The girl LOVES to shop. She could sit in a cart for hours, her stroller? All day. We'd stroll the mall, I'd leisurely grocery shop with a long list while we chatted. And then I had Ian and my whole life changed. Saturday, Sean as he often does took Alex out for a date. They went to see the new movie 'Monsters & Aliens'. I thought, hey what a better opportunity to have some Mommy/Ian time. Yes, this was needed after a long hectic week, we'll bond! First a quick trip to the grocery store for some necessities.

It was raining, I pulled Ian from the car and covered him with my jacket as I ran to the door. I went to place him in the cart and he threw the hugest, back arching, screaming, flailing fit. Physically, sometimes Ian overpowers me. I literally could not get his feet through the leg holes. I was struggling, getting soaked and beginning to panic. I was embarrassed. I was 'that' mom. The one with the unruly child blocking everyone else from getting their cart as I struggled to move along with mine.

I gave up. I took Ian back to the car. Set him in his seat and scolded him. I gave him my most intimidating look I could muster. The eyes could have burned Alex to tears. But Ian? No. I told him we would sit here until he calmed down, he was very naughty and he hurt my feelings! I waited 4-5 minutes as he settled down, said he was 'soooowry' and we were able to try again. As we approached the shopping carts AGAIN, he pointed to it. It was a large, toy car plastered to the front of an already large cart. I not only saw it's 'vastness', but the colony of germs, drool, and food remnants smeared all over it's interior. Ew, gross.

'Pease', he said. He pointed to it, he grinned. And I did what I swore I never would. I placed him in the front of this tractor trailer. He smiled, I took his picture (see above) as he was so happy. And we were on our way. I made it two aisles before he realized that his car had windows. With a quick swipe of his arm 20-30 bottles of Karo Syrup went rolling out into the aisle. I'm already taking up the majority of the aisle, I'm already self conscious, I'm already humiliated and now I'm picking up syrup bottles as Ian swipes powdered sugar onto the floor. I look around and people are looking at me with that same pity I used to dish out, I'm humbled and then Ian begins to scream. He throws another royal fit, now trapped in his car and belted in the entire cart begins to shake. I'm in hell.

We're done. I'm done, he's done. I have what I most needed. I take the wide corner to approach the checkout and find it's packed. With no room for this car to even 'BE' in line without blocking the main aisle I see people looking at me, 'what a nightmare child' I read their minds. 'Poor lady, you should need an IQ test to have children', I imagine they are thinking. Then I did what any panicked mom on the verge of freaking out does. I pulled Ian from the car and ran. To my car. Without my groceries.

I later took Alex to Albertsons where the power went out 5 times and my groceries had to be re-scanned 3 times. When Alex asked me in the pitch black of the grocery store, 'What's going on mom?' My only response was, 'Well, the universe is against me and for some reason it's telling me I can't buy food'. 'Oh'. She said.

I imagine that as Ian approaches two, these moments will be more frequent. I want to apologize to all the moms & dads that I judged before. I'm sure your all wonderful parents who were having a horrible moment where your possessed child became bigger than you. I'm sure you felt as I did, wanting to swat your childs rear in the freezer section but restrained in fear of being accused of child abuse. I'm sure that you really would have preferred to NOT be pushing the giant car cart, I'm sure you would have rather been me all kidless and self entitled. I'm truly bracing myself for the next year. I'm upping my visits to the gym, I'm lifting again in hopes I become strong. Strong enough to next time, fight Ian down into the cart. That is, if he's ever invited back to the grocery store with me again.

"C'mon Mom! It's game time at the Camp!"

Well, well, well. The sun is out and I'm feeling bloggy. I'm also feeling groggy. Daylight savings has wreaked havoc on our household. I've found myself stumbling through the hallway two days in a row now at 4 am pleading with Ian to please go back to bed, 'No, it's NOT time to get up'. This morning he cried for 1 hour and ten minutes before I stepped in the shower to drown out his plea's. EVERY TIME we change our clocks we go through this upheaval of disorientation in our house. Some kids don't bat an eye, but ours? OF COURSE as my dear friend Gina always says, 'if it can happen, it'd happen to the Kolmers'. True True.



I'm beginning to get the spring fever bug. I want to clean everything, I want to throw crap out, and I want to plant flowers-many of them. So this last weekend I began the large feat and item #1 on my spring fever list, of painting over all the blemishes to my newly painted kitchen cabinets. I spent countless, seriously COUNTLESS hours sanding, priming and painting these cabinets and after just months they are scattered with red & blue scuff marks from the kids ride on toys that (as soon as the sun graces us with it's glorious presence for more than two days at a time) will be tossed outside. This project was actually the result of a project of Alex's. Last week, she also found these blemishes discouraging and put giant strips of blue painters tape over them. Because, that looked better. "Look mom, you can hardly see the marks anymore. I fixed it." So, to avoid hurting her precious feelings, I made it a game on Monday by having her remove the tape so I could paint. And hey, Ian only smeared off half of my hard work.




Ian, dear Ian. He got two boo boo's this week. We've been calling him Rocky Balboa as he had his first giant black eye. He also pulled down the cordless drill from the kitchen cabinet and thank god he took it in the cheek and not his eyeball. Lesson learned on that one..please don't call social services. His lesions really go well with all the new sounds he's making. He's developed a new adoration and love for both Elmo and Cookie Monster. While getting better at knowing and saying his animal sounds. He now has Cow 'Mooo', Duck "Cluck", and Cookie Monster "Raaawwwlllll".



Alex has said some serious funnies this week! Earlier this week, I became claustrophobic with her room. It has become inundated with princess paraphernalia, dress up, dolls, barbies, and books. It looks (although cutely decorated and frilly) like a high end goodwill at times. I decided to slim down things I thought she would never notice were gone. One item in particular was a set of creepy glass cats my mom passed down to her. They are nice enough, pink, cute to any little girl but frankly, cats freak me out and 90% of the time I'd walk into her room and check them like, 'Are they staring at me?'. So they were the first to be evicted. I put them in the hall closet until I could gather enough items for a goodwill run and shut the door. Be gone cats. A few nights ago, I opened the closet to get Ian a bath towel and gosh darn it Alex saw the cats. "MOM, (and with a big disgusted eye roll), I can't believe it. You can't put those in there, THEY ARE PART OF MY FAMILY!" I diluted the situation by telling her I put them in the cleaning closet for a good cleaning and look! Shiny and new, let's put them back in your room. Bleh.



I accidentally bought her two new swimsuits for swim class. Okay, not really 'accidentally'. They were cheap, TARGET SPECIALS and what girl doesn't need options? Anyway, she was talking to my mom about her new swimsuits and my mom asked her why I bought her so many. Alex's reply, 'I don't know...I guess my mom thought I had two bodies'.



And the other night, to spice up the dinner/play hour I decided we'd have a picnic on the living room floor. I pretended we were 'camping out'. I laid down a blanket and we ate our dinner. The kids were pumped...they felt very privileged and although I didn't eat much amidst picking up flung corn dogs and peas I was glad to have 'mixed it up' a bit. Later, after Jammie's were on and Ian was in bed as is the routine every night, Alex was asked what she'd like to do in her private time with Mom & Dad. Her reply, "I wanna play a Mommy-Daddy Game". Which means either Candyland, Memory, or Old Maid. And when I didn't 'hop to' she yelled, 'C'mon Mom!!! It's game time at the camp!. It sounded exactly like me saying "C'mon Alex, it's time to go", or "C'mon Alex, I mean it!". Oh, I'm going to have my work time cut out for ME in a few years!

Basil Carcinoma

Well. I have so much to say, and so little time to say it. Work has been kicking my butt and draining me of all energy & creativity. So sorry blog, and sorry blog followers.

We've had some events occur in the last few weeks. A funny one, my poor mom will NEVER live down includes Ian's penis, a string, and a panicked phone call.

My mom has the kids on Fridays. She called me a bit frantic that Ian had a very alarming rash or lesion or SOMEthing on his 'wiggly body'. She explained it to me, "it's dark red..sort of a line and it seems to have moved since lunch time. I've never seen anything like it" she said. I became concerned, I tried to remember if he'd had a rash the night before and no I could not remember anything!

When I got him home, I quickly unveiled his wee wee and sure enough. There it was. A bright red 'basil carcinoma' 'esk' mark. My heart kinda pitter pattered...'what's wrong with my boy!' So I began picking at it...and then realized how and why my mom said it had moved. It wasn't actually stuck to his person, but was a red string from his sweatpants worn the previous day.

When I told Sean about this I said, "You'll never guess what happened, Mom thought Ian had a horrible disease or something happening to his 'wee wee'. His reply? "Oh, you mean, that red stringy thingy? Yeah, I saw that this morning when I changed his diaper and left it". I think my mom may have swatted him the next time she saw him.

In other Ian news, his new words are 'Ow', & 'Cool'. Cool is used for most everything. When handing him a snack...when playing toys, when falling off our bed and recovering from a near head injury. 'Cool' is something I NEVER imagined hearing out of a 1 1/2 year old. He's been throwing some ROYAL temper tantrums and luckily being the 2nd child I really don't let them get to me much. Been there done that...go cry it out over there mentality, seems to be working for us. He is particularly mad when placed in his highchair as thanks to Sean and my trip out East last week, he is now so ABOVE baby chairs and belongs at the big kid table, on his knees. This new trend has wreaked HAVOC on my floor and mopping is becoming a nightly occurrence. Thanks Sean...love you long time.

Alex can be found saying things like, 'Mom, that's like...totally hilarious'. And now mom is like, totally freaking out about how she's talking at well, nearly 4. Last week, Alex told me she had a secret for me. I leaned in so she could (as she sometimes does) whisper sweet nothings and 'I love yous' into my ear. Instead she said, 'Mom, your hair is big and crunchy, let's put lotion and make it soft. Needless to say, I have a hair appointment scheduled for tomorrow. Thanks for being honest kid.

Sean and I took a major leap of financial faith this week and purchased a new washer and dryer. It felt like a really big deal as the State of Oregon has cut his salary and required 4 unpaid vacation days between now and June and NIKE is laying off 4% of the workforce by May. HOWEVER, we deemed this a necessary purchase for our 9+ loads we seem to do in a week. So thank you Best Buy for your 18 month 'good as cash' no interest loan so I can have a most beautiful washer and dryer that looks wonderful, works fast and efficiently, and makes doing laundry a little less painful...I promise to pay you back next year.

The Dangler

Sean lost his #2 rank. It began a few weeks ago with Ian wandering around the house, his hands up in wonder saying, "Pop Pop"? Later, we'd find him nose pressed to the front window, standing on a stool and waiting for "Pop Pop" to randomly pull up into the drive. Now, he greets my mom (Nanna) with not a hello, but a 'Where is Pop Pop?' It has everyone's feelings a little hurt, well except for my Dad of course.

(They fell in love at the Bronx Zoo)

Last week, Ian woke up for 6 days straight between the hour of 4am and 4:44 am. Like clockwork, his little cries pulled me out of bed. Night one I swore it was his teeth. Night two, the same. Night three I became suspicious and night four I was dang mad. This boy was playing me. The next night I vowed to leave him be, let him cry it out. And that is what I did. At 4:37 that morning his wails rang three very clear plea's. "MAAAAMMMA....POP-POPPPPPPP, NAAAAANNA.

We've been kind of laughing about it all week. That Sean's name was never called. That Nanna's wasn't even second. Smugly, I was still first and for that I am thankful. Just tonight Alex at the dinner table said, "Mommy, remember that time when Ian called me Nanna and he called Daddy Pop Pop in the night?". Oh how silly, he just got our names wrong. NO, those are actually his three favorite people right now. OR, the three people that are most likely to come save him, crying from his bed. That, he did get right.

Which brings me to the dangler. Tonight we all had a good laugh as we let Ian prance around naked prior to Jammies. He took off running in the kitchen, screaming with glee. This kid loves the Nude. And we love him in the nude. His stocky bowed legs, his dimpled behind, and his budha belly have us all laughing to tears. He circled the kitchen and came running back, and as he tried to climb up on the couch, Sean saw it. A dangler. He screamed out "He's gonna poop!" I told him to bring him in the bathroom as I'd just cleaned the old toilet trainer ring from the garage. We plopped him down on the toilet and he screamed the highest pitch scream of happiness! He started to pull toilet paper from the roll, and dab at his thingy. When he then touched his nose with the 'tainted' paper, Alex fell to the floor in a hilarious laughing fit. He was so proud to be sitting there, he patted his chest and glorified his maturity. "Potty!" he said. And sure enough, when I pulled him down from the potty, we saw it...the dangler. Just a wee sized hershey kiss-esk dangler now floating peacefully atop Alex's mountain of toilet paper. His prize, his masterpiece, his first initial deposit. Technically, he pooped in the potty right? So that is what we celebrated, we all screamed, we clapped and Ian patted his bum in his 'naked body' dance.

Alex insisted we call Nanna because in her words, "Ian was being just hilarious.". I'm sure that in a few months, he'll be able to tell these stories himself with a personal call to Pop Pop.

A Picture says a thousand words...right?

Alright Kelly. I got the hint. I'm absolutely failing at blogging these days. FAIL. Not for lack of content or inspiration, but only for lack of time. And well, I'm addicted to the Twilight series and spend all spare minutes which are few reading books that quite frankly make me want to be a vampire. A vampire that needs no sleep, has super powers, and is immortal. I mean, really. Please tell me three other traits better suited for a Mom? Just try.

Here are a few pictures to tell you just exactly what these two have been up to recently.

Alex has discovered that she has inherited her mothers amazing skill of facial control. She loves to make funny faces, cross her eyes and well, LAUGH. I still need to get a video of that on here because most people wouldn't believe how she can get going.

This week, her best line was said while playing with her Barbie keyboard. She was singing along to "Oh Baba Baba" when she suddenly stopped, put her finger to her chin in deep thought and said, "Momma, is there like...a human in here or something?"



She's into dressing up and has taken to wearing dresses. She loves anything that requires tights and fancy shoes. This is her newest dress. I must brag here on this Old Navy bargain I picked up for a mere $3.99. BARGAIN! Times are tight, the economy is scary and although this Tot used to be dressed to the nine in Gymboree and Baby Gap, thems days are over. With word that my place of business will in fact have to resort to a 'reduction in work force' as they called it, I may be snipping coupons here shortly too.

This is Alex modeling. The second you bring the camera out...get ready for the newest episode of Runway or America's next top model. She smiles, she poses, this girl is gonna break me in a few years. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact this little diva is going to be 4 in May. Time has flown by with this one.

Ian. What can I say? He is always keeping us on our toes! His new 'trick' much to my demise as well as my flooring, carpeting, walls, etc is to gather a big mouthful of liquid (in this example blueberry juice) and SPIT it out, everywhere. He thinks it's funny. I think it's not and at this point I'm at a loss as to how to get enough fluids in him without A)letting him have a bottle and B)ruining every single shirt, bib, or item for that matter with a 10 foot radius of his grazing station.
I can only hope that this photo session didn't encourage the behavior anymore than Alex's horrendous laughs from behind me.

My little Vampire.

His other new thing (also revolving around food & drink mind you) is helping himself to snacks from the pantry. He has it down. He opens the Tupperware cupboard, finds a nice hefty vessel and then helps himself to pretzels, fish crackers, or shredded wheat. He usually carries it directly into the living room and proceeds to crush it into my new couch. I love him.

His vocabulary is amazing me right now. You would absolutely never know this little dear is deaf in one ear. I'm anxious for his hearing appointment this Friday to hear what they think of his progress. He now says, Be (Bink), Show, More, Pease, Up, Baby, Body, Belly, No (a favorite), Yes (always with an exuberant head nod), Hat, Ball, Shoes, Juice, amongst many others...I'll keep thinking.

For my avid (and mildy obsessive) readers, I promise to post more frequently. I only have a few chapters left of my book at which time I will become as depressed as when Sex and the City ended, come to the realization that my life is neither glamorous or immortal and resort to blogging again.

Safari Sams-The out of shape Mom's worst nightmare.

Sean and I were determined to give our kids a great, fun-filled family weekend. And this is what we did. See below the only photo captured of our day o fun..and let it be known that it pretty much encompasses the totality of our experience that in one word can be summed up as...crazy.

I have no pictures of this place. For those of you that know of this 'place' you can understand why. For those of you that don't? Consider yourself lucky. It's dark, warm, and is surely the best known host for the residue of snotty noses, sneezes and dirty little fingers. I could practically see the Germs. We were in the Petri Dish that is 'Safari Sam's.

Safari Sam's is like...well, Chucke Cheese's times a million. It's a GIANT play structure with rope climbs, plastic gym mats, including elements of 'Gladiators' with swinging punching bags, seat belt netted jumping rooms, army crawl tunnels, giant slides & pyramid towers. Every kids dream. Every Parents worst nightmare.

The parents of the older children sat on the outer perimeter, drinking beverages from the (god bless them) full bar, or congregating in the middle with their cell phones and laptops as they 'sorta kinda' made sure their kids weren't body slamming the smaller children. The parents of smaller children (like us) , could be found well, squeezing their bodies through 'too small' holes and sliding down 'too small' slides. I, with my giant purse found these tasks extra difficult and attribute the bag, packed full of snacks, diapers and water bottles the bain of my current existence and neck pain that leaves me feeling crippled. I'll probably never forget seeing Sean emerge from a long windy tunnel slide with Ian in tow. Like the sound of a cork being removed from a bottle of wine, Sean said, "Whoa, we got stuck". Ian's face, surrounded with a large ray of staticky hair was all smiles.

When all the kids were rosy cheeked, and Sean and I were cursing our long sleeves wishing we had come prepared with sweat shorts, knee pads & helmets. We left. When Caden began stomping in anger that he couldn't get up the rope ladder screaming, "I'm just tired!", we knew it was time to cut our losses and head home to ice our sore muscles.

We made two pit stops, one to Stride Rite where BOTH my kids are required to get shoes due to the extra tall and extra wideness of their feet. I curse those that raise the price of CHILDRENS SHOES to levels I wouldn't myself purchase a pair of shoes for! Our last stop, Costco, for milk. Sean idled in the parking lot while I ran in and upon my return realized our car doesn't like to sit in 'auxiliary' for more than 10 minutes. BATTERY dead. As all three kids wined hungrily from the back sean. Sean and I silently aired our frustrations and call my sis for a jump. A day has never felt so long.

This weekend, Ian furthered his vocabulary. When I asked the kids if they wanted to watch a movie, he replied, 'Sure'. Clear as day and as if he'd said it for years. He then pointed to the TV and said SHOW!

I've always somewhat regretted not having started this blog earlier. To capture some of the funny things that Alex said in her first two years. What I've found, is that Ian is reminding me of things. We were reading a book earlier this week and started singing, 'Old McDonald had a farm'. One of mine and Sean's FUNNIEST memories of Alex was her always singing in the backseat of the car, 'E-I-O'. Never E-I-E-I-O, but E-I-O followed by a brief pause and then, a very silent hhoooorse. We must have made such an impression by laughing at her all those times because still to this day she'll always pick horse. When I try to mix it up with a pig, or chicken she very sternly says, "No, mom. Old McDonald had a horse".

Blankies & Binkity Binks

Ghostrider, we have a problem. We have an addict on our hands. His name is Ian, he's 19 months, 32 pounds, and he's addicted to his bink and elephant blankie woobie thingy. Come on kid.

I never thought in a million years, I'd have one of those kids that resembles Maggie from the Simpsons, or Linus. He walks around rubbing his blankie on the side of his face and sucking that bink like there's no tomorrow. It's time for an intervention. Sean has been pushing for this for some time. I'd rather avoid the melodrama and wait until all his teeth come in. Or until that sweet way he says 'Bee?' , wears off. 'Bee', 'BEE!' he says, while pointing to wherever his binky rests, placed there by no doubt Daddy who's confiscated it while he had food in his mouth instead. If he were a normal sized 19 month old, I may not feel the urgency in this matter but I'm convinced that the public scrutiny is about to take it's toll as Ian looks not 1, but 2. Or 3.

Ian had quite a rough weekend. He wined and cried incessantly. I'm convinced it's his teeth again and kept him on Tylenol when he was ultra irritable. Sean and I took the kids furniture hunting this weekend as we've been without couch for several weeks and it's wreaking havoc on both of our spines. Ian was unbearable and as I tried to sooth him in the car, Alex piped up and with the utmost certainty proclaimed that Ian was obviously crying because he knew that she had a hole in her pants from falling on the playground. And that scared him. Surely.

Tuesday I got to watch her final gymnastics class this term as well as the presentation of all they've learned. What fun for me, as I normally am sitting at work while her school transports her and get's to witness her weekly growth and accomplishments. I get to hear about it at the dinner table and today, the conversations of Pizza Hangs, Caterpillar Beam Walks, & Vault Frog Jumps were all explained in the most amazing visual display EVER! She took the class so seriously, and was so proud to show Sean and I all she'd learned. Her favorite part was the medal she earned that she got to accept on a grand staircase of plastic foam pads, just like at the Olympics.

I've signed Ian up for a class on Mondays that I can do with him, and that I am thrilled about! His class is called 'beasts' and I can't help but laugh at the irony of that.

Other than that, business as usual around the Kolmer household. It's been a long, busy, work stressful, and emotional week for the both of us. I personally am feeling like a deflated balloon that needs these next three days desperately to re-fill. I'm having one of those weeks where I feel like a terrible horrible no good very bad mother. The 1-2 hours I've gotten with my kids each day, has been full of whines, cry's, and temper tantrums. Work has been horrendous, and some family issues have drained me emotionally. I've found myself counting the minutes until the kids go to bed so I can rest and after they are snug in their beds, I sit stressed and regrettful that I spoiled that very short time with them. So our plans for the weekend? Lots of family time, comfort food, woobies and binks all around. I need my kids probably just as much as they need me.