Thursday, October 28, 2010

Final Score: 1-0 PARENTS. Good one Carrie, good one.

Do you ever have one of those days (or in my case, one of those weeks) where you find yourself literally throwing your hands up in the air like, 'C'MON WORLD', or shaking your head incessantly at the level of stupidity you encounter? Even if it's your own?

If not, good for you. If so, you may appreciate the following moments of near insanity I encountered this week.

1. I witnessed a nose-picking woman almost rear-end the car in front of her because surely the back of her hand was blocking her view. When she did what everyone does and quickly spun her head in 360 degrees to see who saw her, I made glaring eye contact with her and held it for as long as I possibly could before I put myself at risk for rear ending someone as well. Pick your nose at home, just because you're within your car does not mean people can't see you. And why is cell phone usage prohibited but nose picking is not?

2. I burned a hole in my new black patent leather work shoes on the space heater I rely on for warmth and the will to live for 8 hours a day. Also, I may have burned my foot a little too.

3. I participated in an impromptu scrimmage with Alex's soccer team at their last practice IN my burnt patent leather work shoes where I (way too competitive I'm learning) scored the only goal and had to HOLD MYSELF BACK to score 10 more. Nice, parents win 1-0. Why did I never get the memo that you should always let the kids win? Raised eyebrows and looks of disappointment from other parents, DULY NOTED.

4. Alex's soccer pictures came back with MY name all over the trading cards and team photo. Maybe it was a fluke? Or maybe the universe is playing a dirty trick on me for single handedly beating six 5 year olds in 3 on 3, no goalie soccer. I'm relying on the hope that it was an error on THEIR behalf and that I did not fill the form out incorrectly. HEAD SHAKE HEAD SHAKE.

In other news, for those of you concerned, I have an Alex update to follow up my last post where I described her as a crazy, exorcist needing lunatic. She is none of those things, and is actually doing much better. She's turned a corner mostly I believe in desperation for the pillow pet of her choice if she can keep up the positive attitude. It's working, for now.

Her and I had a series of funny exchanges yesterday on the way home from soccer practice that had me repeating the conversation into my iPhone voice memo recorder. Thank goodness for that, or I'd never remember a thing. They went a little something like this:

Alex: Mom, why do we salute the flag each morning?

I went into a long drawn out speech about America, the land of the free, the home of the brave. And how despite what she hears on whatever news show we may be listening to we do live in a wonderful country where we can do (within reason) whatever we please (as long as it is within the law and not violating any traffic signs). I told her that it is not the case for all countries. So we salute our flag and give honor to all those that keep us free.

Alex: So, in like...India. Can they drive when they want? Or do they have to ask the Police?

Me: Uhhhhhh

Alex: And, do they have cars? Or do they ride camels? Wait, they must walk and drive sand bikes because there is a lot of sand over there.

Sand bikes?

Before I had a chance to answer she jumps into...

Alex: Mom, is Nanna gonna love the play-doh thing I made her?

Me: Yes, she loves everything that you make her.

Alex: Yes, Nanna's love everything and everybody. Even grandsons.

And this time I throw my hands up and thank god for her, because she is just cooler than Bee's Knee's, or whatever the saying is.

Me: Alex, I love you. (I glance in my rearview mirror to find her picking her nose) And in America, picking your nose is not allowed. Especially in cars.

I know that she won't be driving for 11 more years, but who knows. Maybe I just saved a life.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Heebie Jeebies: A feeling of minor fright, anxiety, nervousness, apprehension, 'the willies'.

I think we all have something, maybe multiple somethings that send shivers up our spine. The sight of something invokes a physical reaction to our bodies and the feeling can stick with us for hours.

For my mom, it's things with crevices. Anything bulbous (like insect egg sacks), or with holes (like a beehive) will send her in a panic, she'll look away, she'll shudder. My sister is the same. A good friend of mine has an overwhelming fear of spiders, and Alex hates the dark. Sean has a fear of heights. One of my best girlfriends from high school will gag at the sight of soggy bread in the sink.

I have several things that give me the heebie jeebies:

1. Toothbrushes touching in a toothbrush holder
2. The sound of Dogs licking themselves
3. Giant spiders, the ones that crunch when you smash them
4. I'm ashamed to admit this, and I'm not proud...but Midgets.
5. Sitting down on a warm seat, that wasn't warmed by me
6. Hearing the words 'slacks' or 'moist'.

*There are more, but I'll spare you my weirdness.

And last night, my list grew.

Alex insisted her babies sleep ALL TOGETHER, in my room, 1.5 feet from my bed in this over-crowded formation. Their eyes are all open people. God bless Gabriella (lower right) who turned her head away. She was my best doll as a child, after 28 years she still treats me right.

So what are YOU afraid of?

Friday, October 8, 2010

I love her so much, even though...

Yesterday, my mom said to me, 'I wish all of your kids had the temperment of Ian'. And I laughed, because 1)I only have two kids so 'all' means Alex & Ian and excluding Ian leaves Alex. ha. 2)I think this a few times each day and 3)I'm sure having two kids with Ian's temperment would go against the universal rule that parents should somehow pay for the torture they inflicted on their parents as a kid.

My reponse to my mom? 'I owe you a huge apology'. And she knew exactly what for.

I apologized for years and years of the verbal abuse I inflicted upon my parents as a kid, albeit much older (like ten) but still. Payback is a bitch.

These days, Alex is giving us a run for our money. In the spirit of 'keeping it real' (a post I've not been brave enough to publish yet), I'm going to document some not so glamorous events that frequently occur in the Kolmer house.

Our princess, a mere five years old is showing signs of what could be a very challenging period ahead commonly known as the tween and teen years.

At the drop of a hat, or at the word 'no', or really for no reason inparticular Alex spouts fits of rage. These are her most common sayings when things don't go 'just so'.






Or, my favorite: a loud and husky grunt followed by arms crossed, lips turned out and eyes that could burn your soul.

Drama much?

If she's NOT yelling, she's stomping her feet, pounding the stairs or in the case of yesterday knocking over a living room chair because I said she could not have her 4th snack of the afternoon. If only our problems were so menial, and if only we could react this way when we are frustrated.

I attribute this to a nasty combination of my emotional-ness, and from what I hear, Sean's anger spouts as a child. Mix this with a dose of Taurus, a small case of over-tired from long school days and soccer practice and you get lil Miss Maniac.

I've said it for years, parenting is EASY when all you are doing is caring for physical needs. Feeding, diapering, clothing, and bathing is EASY compared to the emotional drain of molding one's child into a nice little human.

I'm on the verge of calling a therapist, or an exorcist?

Luckily, Sean is much better at dealing with her fits of rage. In some strange father/daughter Taurus bond they understand each other. And rather than standing there, shocked, mouth agape, he's able to respond in a much more productive and consistent manner than this here 'my feelings are hurt, my daughter hates me' kind of way.

I'm hoping it's just a stage, or that it's the result of a lot of recent changes in her life. I'm hoping that the next 10-15 years are not as challenging as the last month has been. Because if they are, I'll be writing these posts from a barred looney bin.

Here's hoping insane asylums have internet access.

In all seriousness, I've shed many tears over this as of late and questioned my parental skills. I've been seeking validation from Sean and my Mom that I'm doing things right and this is just a stage. It's just a stage, it's just a stage, it's just a stage. Saying things three times makes it true right?

On the bright side, Alex is thriving in school and kicking butt on the soccer field. She's much stronger, confident and assertive that I thought she'd be in the 'competitive kind of way' and I'm so proud of her. She has grown emotionally so much over the past year and we have mostly good moments where she is loving, and sweet, and non-psychotic. That, or I've already gone nuts.