Wednesday, December 5, 2012

an idea, a novel. a novel idea.

for months, i've been ignoring this blog for a number of reasons.
  • due to a horrible clerical error, i managed to delete all photos i've ever posted to this blog. and being the perfectionist that i am i haven't been able to bear the thought of adding content to something so imperfect.
  • i'm so far behind in documenting the happenings of our life, i've figured 'why start now? and what's the point?'
  • it's sometimes just another nagging 'to do' in the long list of 'to do's' in my life
i come here, to this place following three simultaneous moments of clarity. first, sean and i were given a wonderful gift last week and were able to take our first vacation sans kids to the beautiful island of kauai. my dear mother in law graciously flew out and watched our kids for SEVEN DAYS. i've returned feeling rested, rejuvenated, and re-set which has me feeling both motivated and scarily determined to accomplish this that and everything on my mental 'to do' list. now, it's december so this list is cluttered with christmas cards, gift buying, tree trimming, and cookie baking but why stop there...

i'm going to go backwards and start with the most recent 'ah ha' moment which happened just moments ago. i'd semi successfully gotten the kids to bed, and was leaning up against the wall in our hallway awaiting my kids imminent exits from their rooms. these occur nightly as all you parents know, which include complaints of being scared, needing water, or needing assistance with that pesky hangnail that is preventing them from going to sleep. i thumbed through my facebook news feed to find a blog writer i follow 'gluten free girl' had written a new post. this post, as i scrolled through had me quickly standing from my slumped position and reading faster, soaking in her words like you would those of your therapist. as if each word was going to change your life for the better.

she says, 'The voice I’m having a harder time quieting these days is the one that says, “Do more. Put it on Pinterest. Answer every email. Address every question. Be bigger and brighter and have more readers. Earn more money. Do it on time. Go.”

i put a lot of pressure on myself in my life. we all do. and i think women/mother's especially. we want to be the best moms of the best kids. we want our kids involved in activities, the more the better! we want to do well in our careers and appear super human. we want to document our lives and proclaim it to the world like, 'look what i can do!' we facebook, we pinterest all the things we want to do but could not possibly find the time for. we volunteer in our kids classrooms, we keep a nice house. we want to feed our kids healthy meals and in non-toxic serve wear. we want our homes to look like a crate and barrel catalog, with just a touch of rummage sale. we want to appear perfect.

the fact of the matter is, these child rearing years are HARD. the fact of the matter is, on a friday night when i get home from work my house looks like a bomb hit it. there is no clean laundry in sight and the fridge is bare. the fact of the matter is, we can't possible do it all. and when we can't, we see failure. i always see failure. i see balls dropping. i get calls from the water company that my bill is un-paid and i wonder, 'where is the bill?' i send the kids to school without their homework, and without their library books. i juggle work, i juggle kids, i make every attempt in the world to try and workout and be fit which works out 1 in 10 attempts, i try to be a good mom and wife but what ends up happening is a sore back from picking up the balls scattered all over the floor.

women want to be liked, they want to be appreciated, and they want to be admired and i truly believe it has the majority of us spinning in circles in this invisible competition of 'who's doing more, and who's doing it better'. it's a load of crap. 

my gluten free blogger says, 'The truth is that we don’t need everyone to like us, we need a few people to love us. Because what’s better than being roundly liked is being fully known—an impossibility both professionally and personally if you’re so busy being likable that you forget to be yourself'. 

it's so true. 

the fact is, i am loved. i am loved by a wonderful man who cares not what i do but loves who i am.  who probably appreciates my sense of humor more than the organic food i try to make. or appreciates what i do for our children, and not what i haven't gotten to yet. i have wonderful friends. one of which this week (and is reason #2 that i'm back here) said to me, 'your blog is not perfect, and you lost all your photos, but you did not lose your words. and that is the important stuff'. and my family, my wonderful family loves me and knows me and gets me. the whole jumbled mess of me. the good and the bad.

the 3rd and final reason that i'm here, is due to an impromptu nintendo playing frenzy i encountered this week after a long and tiring day of work. being one of the busiest days of my work month, i came home feeling quite depleted and defeated. i was sulking, and in one of those, 'i'm failing everywhere' moods when ian handed me the controller and said, 'mom, i can't pass this level can you help?'

and i began to play.

i was lost in super mario land when i heard their cheers. they were jumping and clapping and screaming 'go mom, you are the super mario king!' i felt like a hero. i am their hero and it's not because i went out of my way to place the 'elf on the shelf' in new and creative places each day this month. and it's not because i had just made them a 4 course healthful dinner and passed them their vitamins, it's not because i 'pinned' all sorts of holiday craft projects for us to do together, and it's not because most ever minute of every day i spend either working for their future, or thinking about their future. i mean, i had done all that but it's not what mattered. i defeated bowser and passed the castle in world 1. 

my blogger goes on to say, 'I was a lifelong perfectionist who couldn’t enjoy most moments because I was so worried they weren’t good enough. I wanted to please, to be the best, to be the funniest. Somehow I have forgotten about what I want.' 

she later says 'what i want is to accept the warm rays of the sun'.

and that is why i am here today. because believe it or not, with all the things there are to do in life. this, this blog is something i love. and it's not because i want to document every aspect of my kids life, or our life. and it's not because i want to show or prove that i can be super mom and super career woman, super wife and friend. it's because i genuinely like writing. for a girl who crunches numbers all day and finds no soul filling satisfaction from that, this blog brings me joy. it's like a ray of sunlight.

so, i've broken the ice. i hope to bring more words here, and eventually after my wounds have healed, maybe some more pictures. and i do this for nobody but myself, and not to be perfect but to be me.