Monday, March 30, 2009

Whole Foods, a whole lotta misery.

For nearly four years, I've sworn up and down I would never, EVER opt for the grocery store cart with the car or fire engine or other large toy tacked to the front of the grocery cart. Never, not me. I'd eye parents with pity as they tried to maneuver the monstrosity through the aisles, making their wide turns and sacrificing their dignity for the happiness of their obviously spoiled rotten kids.

I think all parents or expectant parents better yet find it so easy to judge as they witness temper tantrums at the restaurant, or they see a parent dragging their child by the arm kicking and screaming, or running through the aisles of the grocery store with a box of Cocoa Pebbles in their arms. 'My kids will never mis-behave like that', I used to say. Well. If I could eat my words now, I'd be stuffed.

I was blessed by Alex with a shopper. The girl LOVES to shop. She could sit in a cart for hours, her stroller? All day. We'd stroll the mall, I'd leisurely grocery shop with a long list while we chatted. And then I had Ian and my whole life changed. Saturday, Sean as he often does took Alex out for a date. They went to see the new movie 'Monsters & Aliens'. I thought, hey what a better opportunity to have some Mommy/Ian time. Yes, this was needed after a long hectic week, we'll bond! First a quick trip to the grocery store for some necessities.

It was raining, I pulled Ian from the car and covered him with my jacket as I ran to the door. I went to place him in the cart and he threw the hugest, back arching, screaming, flailing fit. Physically, sometimes Ian overpowers me. I literally could not get his feet through the leg holes. I was struggling, getting soaked and beginning to panic. I was embarrassed. I was 'that' mom. The one with the unruly child blocking everyone else from getting their cart as I struggled to move along with mine.

I gave up. I took Ian back to the car. Set him in his seat and scolded him. I gave him my most intimidating look I could muster. The eyes could have burned Alex to tears. But Ian? No. I told him we would sit here until he calmed down, he was very naughty and he hurt my feelings! I waited 4-5 minutes as he settled down, said he was 'soooowry' and we were able to try again. As we approached the shopping carts AGAIN, he pointed to it. It was a large, toy car plastered to the front of an already large cart. I not only saw it's 'vastness', but the colony of germs, drool, and food remnants smeared all over it's interior. Ew, gross.

'Pease', he said. He pointed to it, he grinned. And I did what I swore I never would. I placed him in the front of this tractor trailer. He smiled, I took his picture (see above) as he was so happy. And we were on our way. I made it two aisles before he realized that his car had windows. With a quick swipe of his arm 20-30 bottles of Karo Syrup went rolling out into the aisle. I'm already taking up the majority of the aisle, I'm already self conscious, I'm already humiliated and now I'm picking up syrup bottles as Ian swipes powdered sugar onto the floor. I look around and people are looking at me with that same pity I used to dish out, I'm humbled and then Ian begins to scream. He throws another royal fit, now trapped in his car and belted in the entire cart begins to shake. I'm in hell.

We're done. I'm done, he's done. I have what I most needed. I take the wide corner to approach the checkout and find it's packed. With no room for this car to even 'BE' in line without blocking the main aisle I see people looking at me, 'what a nightmare child' I read their minds. 'Poor lady, you should need an IQ test to have children', I imagine they are thinking. Then I did what any panicked mom on the verge of freaking out does. I pulled Ian from the car and ran. To my car. Without my groceries.

I later took Alex to Albertsons where the power went out 5 times and my groceries had to be re-scanned 3 times. When Alex asked me in the pitch black of the grocery store, 'What's going on mom?' My only response was, 'Well, the universe is against me and for some reason it's telling me I can't buy food'. 'Oh'. She said.

I imagine that as Ian approaches two, these moments will be more frequent. I want to apologize to all the moms & dads that I judged before. I'm sure your all wonderful parents who were having a horrible moment where your possessed child became bigger than you. I'm sure you felt as I did, wanting to swat your childs rear in the freezer section but restrained in fear of being accused of child abuse. I'm sure that you really would have preferred to NOT be pushing the giant car cart, I'm sure you would have rather been me all kidless and self entitled. I'm truly bracing myself for the next year. I'm upping my visits to the gym, I'm lifting again in hopes I become strong. Strong enough to next time, fight Ian down into the cart. That is, if he's ever invited back to the grocery store with me again.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

"C'mon Mom! It's game time at the Camp!"

Well, well, well. The sun is out and I'm feeling bloggy. I'm also feeling groggy. Daylight savings has wreaked havoc on our household. I've found myself stumbling through the hallway two days in a row now at 4 am pleading with Ian to please go back to bed, 'No, it's NOT time to get up'. This morning he cried for 1 hour and ten minutes before I stepped in the shower to drown out his plea's. EVERY TIME we change our clocks we go through this upheaval of disorientation in our house. Some kids don't bat an eye, but ours? OF COURSE as my dear friend Gina always says, 'if it can happen, it'd happen to the Kolmers'. True True.

I'm beginning to get the spring fever bug. I want to clean everything, I want to throw crap out, and I want to plant flowers-many of them. So this last weekend I began the large feat and item #1 on my spring fever list, of painting over all the blemishes to my newly painted kitchen cabinets. I spent countless, seriously COUNTLESS hours sanding, priming and painting these cabinets and after just months they are scattered with red & blue scuff marks from the kids ride on toys that (as soon as the sun graces us with it's glorious presence for more than two days at a time) will be tossed outside. This project was actually the result of a project of Alex's. Last week, she also found these blemishes discouraging and put giant strips of blue painters tape over them. Because, that looked better. "Look mom, you can hardly see the marks anymore. I fixed it." So, to avoid hurting her precious feelings, I made it a game on Monday by having her remove the tape so I could paint. And hey, Ian only smeared off half of my hard work.

Ian, dear Ian. He got two boo boo's this week. We've been calling him Rocky Balboa as he had his first giant black eye. He also pulled down the cordless drill from the kitchen cabinet and thank god he took it in the cheek and not his eyeball. Lesson learned on that one..please don't call social services. His lesions really go well with all the new sounds he's making. He's developed a new adoration and love for both Elmo and Cookie Monster. While getting better at knowing and saying his animal sounds. He now has Cow 'Mooo', Duck "Cluck", and Cookie Monster "Raaawwwlllll".

Alex has said some serious funnies this week! Earlier this week, I became claustrophobic with her room. It has become inundated with princess paraphernalia, dress up, dolls, barbies, and books. It looks (although cutely decorated and frilly) like a high end goodwill at times. I decided to slim down things I thought she would never notice were gone. One item in particular was a set of creepy glass cats my mom passed down to her. They are nice enough, pink, cute to any little girl but frankly, cats freak me out and 90% of the time I'd walk into her room and check them like, 'Are they staring at me?'. So they were the first to be evicted. I put them in the hall closet until I could gather enough items for a goodwill run and shut the door. Be gone cats. A few nights ago, I opened the closet to get Ian a bath towel and gosh darn it Alex saw the cats. "MOM, (and with a big disgusted eye roll), I can't believe it. You can't put those in there, THEY ARE PART OF MY FAMILY!" I diluted the situation by telling her I put them in the cleaning closet for a good cleaning and look! Shiny and new, let's put them back in your room. Bleh.

I accidentally bought her two new swimsuits for swim class. Okay, not really 'accidentally'. They were cheap, TARGET SPECIALS and what girl doesn't need options? Anyway, she was talking to my mom about her new swimsuits and my mom asked her why I bought her so many. Alex's reply, 'I don't know...I guess my mom thought I had two bodies'.

And the other night, to spice up the dinner/play hour I decided we'd have a picnic on the living room floor. I pretended we were 'camping out'. I laid down a blanket and we ate our dinner. The kids were pumped...they felt very privileged and although I didn't eat much amidst picking up flung corn dogs and peas I was glad to have 'mixed it up' a bit. Later, after Jammie's were on and Ian was in bed as is the routine every night, Alex was asked what she'd like to do in her private time with Mom & Dad. Her reply, "I wanna play a Mommy-Daddy Game". Which means either Candyland, Memory, or Old Maid. And when I didn't 'hop to' she yelled, 'C'mon Mom!!! It's game time at the camp!. It sounded exactly like me saying "C'mon Alex, it's time to go", or "C'mon Alex, I mean it!". Oh, I'm going to have my work time cut out for ME in a few years!