Tuesday, October 28, 2014

that time i nearly changed everything, and then did

it was 2008. my kids were 1 and 3. it was the year when i first decided i couldn't do it anymore. of course there have been many times since, and i've carried on just like i did that first time. that first time i wondered if this working full time with two young kids would kill me. or ruin me. or them. or all of us.

of course it hasn't, and we are fine. but every so often all those balls i am juggling drop to the ground and  i fall down to pick them up and put my hands up and say 'i surrender!' 'this is too hard!', and 'save me!'

that first time in 2008, i threw my hands up with a craigslist post and said, 'i'm prepared to quit my good full time job' 'i want to be home with my babies' and 'they are growing up before other peoples eyes' and 'i will have that no more'. i posted my ad and decided to be a nanny. to care for my kids and someone else's and in the back of my mind i knew it wouldn't work. that it wouldn't quite pay the bills. that it wouldn't really fix anything. that it wouldn't give me what I really wanted, which was to just be a mom.

but i did it anyway. and i met with some amazing full time working moms with hope and wonder in their eyes if i was the answer to their prayers. the one that would help them manage their full time job and their full time kids. 'help me' their faces said.

and i met this one mom at a coffee shop. and we talked and we chatted and discussed our kids and i looked at her and saw myself. i saw someone doing it just like me. the full time job thing and the kid thing and what happened is she didn't say 'yes, you! you are my new nanny'. maybe she didn't see my frazzled self capable of it. maybe she saw herself in me too. and knew that i wasn't about to quit my job. that i couldn't quit my job. she saw someone on their hands and knees saying 'i surrender!' and 'this is too hard!', and 'help me'.

and what happened that day was not a business agreement. it was the beginning of a friendship that since has been a lifeline to me.

her and i live this parallel life and really can't help each other in the way some friends do. we communicate mostly by email and text and chat. we don't ask each other to watch our kids because well, we know how hard it is to manage just our own. and of late we don't even invite each other's kids to our kids birthday parties because we know adding a 'gift purchase' to the to do list could be the final straw that sends us to our knees again. no, we don't see each other much or do 'girl time' much because we both know how precious our family time is and how precious our husband time is, and how it's sometimes pressure just to keep all the women in our life happy too. so we see each other once or twice a year and oftentimes it's in the parking lot at soccer practice because one of us has found an amazing BOGO deal at target on a pair of boots and to save the other time, ordered and shipped them.

this is a person i can tell ANYTHING too. a person that doesn't respond to anything with something worse to one up me, or something better to make sure i have perspective. this is a person that can simply say 'i'm sorry, that sucks' and i know she means it. she doesn't pity me, or overwhelm me with advice on how to fix it. she just says 'i know'...and she does.

she's someone that knows conferences, field trips, class parties, sick days, and no school days aren't just inconvenient but damn near impossible to navigate. that sometimes the logistics of our life just fail. that clean laundry and milk in the fridge should be celebrated. that volunteering in the classroom, deserves a blue ribbon. that the one time a year you get to ride the bus with  60 3rd graders to see a play might damn well be the best day of your year. that the rat race between 6am and 9pm can leave you spinning. that always being late and missing that thing you needed when you finally show just sometimes makes you wonder if you need a padded room.

she knows exactly when i need to be told to snap out of it and tells me to take my vitamin D 'it sounds like the winter is getting to you carrie, vitamin up!' she knows when i just need to vent, or be told i'm not alone. she knows when i just need to laugh. and when i just need her to tell me her amex bill is higher than mine. we compare mortgage balances, we work out financial decisions on paper together. we are honest with each other and know when to say 'YES DO IT' or 'NO DON'T'. we help each other find daycare, and bounce birthday party ideas and invitations and christmas cards off each other. 'does this look good?', 'NO, bad color...change it'. we share where to get cheap pants for our always growing girls. we say what we think, which is usually what the other needs to hear, and it's honest and helpful at the same time. we have been on 189 diets together, all of which have failed but we keep cheering for the other. and when the other says, 'let's try this' the other says 'let's'.

she knows what to say when my kids get sick and i have to juggle work in the midst. she reminds me what's important, and what's even more important than that.

she also knows that despite it all, i am so thankful and feel so blessed in this crazy life. she knows that i wouldn't change a thing, or trade my problems for anyone elses. that they are mine, ALL MINE and i'm not asking for a different life or a better life or an easier life.

she just knows that sometimes, there is just NOT. ENOUGH OF YOU. TO GO AROUND. and when to say 'you are enough', 'you are doing it' and 'you are doing a good job'.

sometimes i think those simple words are all that's gotten me thru the last 6 years.

i wanted to write this because, in 20 years i never want to forget the impact she has had on my life. we may not need each other in the same way we do now. but i could not have done this without her. i hope that in return, i've given her even half the support to keep going that she's given me. i think we both think that the strange way we met via a craigslist ad just had to be. that we had to find each other in this crazy life, join hands and walk this tightrope together. because otherwise, we'd have fallen by now.

Friday, October 24, 2014

steak a la lice carcass

alex got lice again. okay, so it's been more than once. three times maybe? i can't keep track. it's survival. you get really good at blocking out the memory of pulling bugs from your kids hair. blocking out how keen your vision is when you find nits the size of a needlepoint. erasing the experience of back breaking pain while hovering over your child and combing the one trillion foot long strands of your kids hair for HOURS.

it happened again. roughly a week before our vacation. i saw her from across the room scratch her scalp. it's a reaction i get now when either of my kids touches their head. a cold sweat, a panic, my heart skips a beat. in the course of a minute you go from panic, to fear, to anger, to OMG, to WHY ME?, to I AM MOTHER HEAR ME ROAR I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE I'LL DO IT AGAIN, to you better check your self little lice assholes, because i'm coming for you.

i can almost hear the music in the background as i pump myself up for the big fight. like rocky. this is happening. this is life. this is LICE people.

so i go to the cupboard where all the lice supplies are. because i now have a cupboard for this. it's a whole shelf dedicated to RID, and combs, and you know...other bug removal paraphernalia. it's right above the shelf with everything random we've ever owned and never used and right next to my highschool memory box. so you know IMPORTANT STUFF.

and i gasp when i find we are out of the 'says it kills lice' shampoo but i kind of think my kids are immune to it now bottles.


so a call to sean to pick up more at a crazy $20 a bottle and alex needs practically 3 of them. has anyone ever actually gone bankrupt dealing with lice? i'm practically sure it's happened. why is there all this controversy over health companies covering birth control when what we really should be talking about is lice shampoo and tax rebates, and food stamps but for lice. LICE STAMPS.

so sean comes home with the shampoo and we wash and we comb and we comb 40 times more and i think i've got it all. i've got my system down. i have the comb, and the paper towel to swipe the bugs on, and the bowl of water to dip the comb in and i'm combing and swiping and dipping. sean is helping from afar by handling dinner and lunches and homework. we are a team when it comes to lice. TEAM LICE. i get the bugs, he does everything else. and by everything else, i mean being my personal slave boy so i'm all, 'sean, take this comb and this brush and put it in water to soak' because in case you don't know LICE 101, lice don't drown for like 4 hours and at this point i feel super confident because i totally know what i'm doing. we got this.

so i take the bowl into the kitchen, and i throw away the towels and i scratch my head because when you're dealing with lice your head itches like all the time and then i pop alex upstairs to the shower and my dear husband is heating up leftovers and it's only 7:45 we are so on top of this night. only 15 minutes til bedtime and all we need to do is eat dinner, have alex do her homework practice her violin, and do 30 minutes of reading. i mean, STOKE right?

so we rush the shower, and race downstairs and we've got hot steak and risotto leftover from last night. I mean, YUM!

this lice day is actually feeling pretty awesome.

so the kids started eating and i'm heaping my plate when i see it.

i see the lice bowl that was used to dip the lice comb in, and that lice bowl that was just housing several dozen dead lice bodies and nits is sitting on the counter half covered in saran wrap filled with last nights steak.

i gag, like FOR REAL GAG. and scream at the kids to spit out their steak and i'm all 'SEAN, where did you get this bowl' and he's all 'it was on the counter' and i'm all, 'did you wash it???' he's all ' it looked clean to me' and i'm panicking 'this is the bowl i used to wash the lice in' and then OMG expletive expletive, dinner is ruined, our life sucks, things were so awesome a minute ago but right now i want to die because we just fed our kids steak a la lice carcasses and then i see it. i see my brushes and combs bobbing in a pot full of last nights pasta water.

what do you do when it comes for you?

for weeks, i've been pumping my family full of vitamins. like clockwork they all open their mouths twice a day and semi willingly accept the gummies. vitamin D, C, Echinacea, Zinc, and my new obsession ElderBerry Syrup. the kids love it, because they taste good. sean, is probably drawing up divorce papers as i type because i'm quite sure..if he could change one thing about me it might be my mild case of hypochondrism and i say mild but really mean annoyingly extreme.

we made it thru our vacation which was my biggest worry. we were all healthy as horses on our week long super amazing and fun trip to disneyworld, epcot and universal studios. someday soon, i'll post about it because it deserves more than an 'i'm sick and bored' post. miraculously, it's also not close week at work which is typically when i get sick because you know...why ever make it easy?

so here i am, despite all efforts. SICK.

what does one do when they've fallen ill? i mean, after they've sufficiently felt sorry for themselves and whined, and gone over ALL the things they should be doing instead of laying on their couch that is surrounded by laundry and kids homwork? where your work computer, tucked halfway under the couch  is burning red daggers into your pounding head? you attempt to lift your body and be productive, that's what you do. and you fall back down because your body feels like it's been fed thru a meat grinder and you wince and roll over and you reflect.

you reflect on the last couple of weeks that feel like a blur but also a marathon and you wonder exactly when you have laid down like this during the day. or ever really. because these days, you think you might actually fall asleep before hitting the pillow and laying down is just something that you assume happens between that zombie walk to bed and the beep of the alarm clock.

it's no wonder you fall ill. sometimes i think it's just something that happens to make you stop. to make you sleep. to make you take care of yourself for once.

so for two days i reflected. i also watched a lot of tv. i also realized how really truly annoying my dog was when i found my aching body struggling to make room for him on the couch and worried as i tossed and turned i would interrupt his precious sleep. i also realized as i tried to nap (which i'm terrible at) that my dog will pace and whine each and every time a passerby walks by our house. and also when the mailman comes. and also when the garbage man comes. and also when it rains. or there is wind. or just because it's thursday at 10am.

i also realized how truly dependent i am on routine. and that i'm actually uncomfortable with the act of not doing 20 things at once. there is very little time in my life un-planned. or where there is just one task at hand. where I don't know exactly where I will be and what i will be doing and when. it's mostly the same every day. the time i get up, when i leave the house, the commute, the work, the commute home, the evening routine with kids. i could do it with my eyes closed. i probably mostly do. a zombie would do well with this routine. same thing, over and over. stumbling, arms out-stretched, trying not to drop a ball...and surviving.

so there was something refreshing about falling ill. it's like, what ever will i be doing at 2:17 this afternoon. NOBODY KNOWS. i could be laying here on the couch on my left side, or maybe my right! i could be standing in front of the fridge with no real appetite but knowing i should eat something. i could be fumbling thru magazines, or sleeping! SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! it's amazing what a little ambiguity will do for the soul.

what i found myself doing after i'd watched a season and a half of 'meet the midwife', two average movies on amazon prime, and ellen, while intermittently taking 17 cat naps was blogging. so stay tuned, because unfortunately i'm feeling better and have to go back to work but i wrote two halfway blogs. maybe i'll get a massive cold/sinus infection soon and i can finish.

we can hope.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

the little big things

i haven't blogged in months. and months. and life is flying by and there are all these moments i think 'i should blog this', and 'this is worth remembering'. but there is something also to be said about just living life and being in the moment without the pressure of documentation. i'm horrible at it. i like to photograph it and see it all thru a lens so later I can see it in a frame. i like to write it all down, so one day my kids (when they are off having their own babies) can see their childhood from my perspective and maybe it will help them. just a little.

so that's what i've been off doing. living this awesome life. it's a crazy busy life. and sometimes feels too much, but it's just a whole lot of good being squished into too little time.

today was the first day of 2nd and 4th grade for my not so littles. and after weeks of prep and planning to tackle yet another school year with all the right supplies, and the sports calendar figured out, and the logistics of two full time jobs and two more than full time kids, and soccer and work commitments, my amazing hubs texted me this:

and for this momma...who spelled 'school' wrong yesterday, and showed up to work today with my belt all twisted up and mascara on just one eye this means the world. because even tho I REALLY DON'T HAVE IT TOGETHER, someone thinks I kinda do. so i'm saving this one. because it's such a little thing, but oh so big to me.

i really couldn't want for anything more in my life than this guy, and these two.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

when sean is away...

i make my kids sleep with me.

because i'm scared.

do not judge me.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

laundry room: super sneak peak (if i showed you more you'd be horrified)

back in july, we sold our completely finished labor of love. a house i cried when we moved into. and i cried the day we moved out. BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS that house.  the day we moved in, we turned the key, stepped in and what we found was pure filth. dog hair littered the floor, the fridge was DISgusting, whoever had painted it must have been blind, it had green carpeting, lime and purple walls and it was ALL ours.

we spent the next 6 years transforming it. room by room. every bit of it we did ourselves. we painted every ceiling, every wall, every moulding and door. we installed new hardware, new floors, new fixtures, new sinks and faucets, tile, countertops, you name it.  most of it i did while pregnant with ian, and the rest i did on my maternity leave.

sean would come home to find me teetering on ladders, standing on my tip toes and he would laugh probably silently judging my psychotic obsession.

people that know me, know that i do this because i like it to look nice yes, but mostly because this sort of work is like therapy to me. transforming ugly into not is actually therapeutic and fills me.

in july we bought another complete project. starting anew for some more space and here we are again and i'm standing in what feels like the pits of hell starting all over. on an uneven subfloor, scraping wallpaper paste for probably the 18th hour. therapy, this does not feel like.

two weeks ago, when i thought i couldn't take on anymore i did what any normal (psycho) would do and started a project that was much bigger than I imagined. i peeled up a corner of the torn and stained linoleum thinking 'subfloor' would look better than this. but no, it doesn't.

and so begins the transformation of the laundry room/mud room.

people keep asking me, why that room? when your kitchen is so uh....brady bunch. and your bathrooms are so uh...1980. but this is our everything room. it's where we come and go, it's where i live sorting and folding laundry, it's where our shoes and coats and cleaning supplies and tools are. i feel like if this room was clean and done and organized i will feel so too.

people that know me also know, this will not satisfy me for long.

this room has been so physically and emotionally challenging so far. tears have been shed. sean HAS found me a crumpled heap in the corner, my right hand sore and swollen from scraping. OH THE SCRAPING. whoever applied this wallpaper 35 years ago, please show yourself. I'd like to have a little chat.

i did what i swore i would never again do and that's to paint the cabinets myself, and after a week of doors laying all over the house i've successfully primed, primed, painted and painted, each side of 12 doors. this is happening.

here we go again.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

i am NOT going to work tomorrow

my aunt had surgery today. torn rotator cuff and some ligament situation. so i called to check in on her. she's more like a sister to me. she's only got 5 years on me and you know...we grew up together. she was the one always stealing all my good barbie clothes and tricking me into having the ratty haired barbies and the less cool corvette. after a few good laughs about her 'dead' arm which she accidentally sat on and then thought it was the remote because it is COMPLETELY NUMB and will be numb until tomorrow when it 'wakes up' and puts her into what her doctor said would be 'excruciating pain'.  i told her my day was obviously just as bad because my tights kept rolling down and causing saggy crotch. i mean, totally up there with shoulder surgery. we laughed again. my auntie is my rock. she's one of those women that i think about when i'm having a rough day. she keeps me going. i always know i can do it, because she could do it. she's strong, and brave and damn...she's funny. so i needed to hear her voice and gut laugh with her. and that we did.

i didn't tell her this, because she just well...had surgery but i was teetering on the brink of sanity and she without even knowing it pulled me back over the line. god, i love her. when she asked how it was going i simply said, 'it's been busy. you know, i'm a single working mom A LOT' and she's been a single working mom...a lot. so she get's it. and she said to me, 'well honey? you've got about 10 more years of this so just...persevere. and i'm not sure what made us laugh so hard about that, but we did to the point of tears because there really is nothing to say. working and parenting and all of that is just hard. but you just keep going. PERSEVERE!

so in the spirit of persevering, i just decided i'm not going to work tomorrow. i can probably count on one hand how many times i've just sort of played hooky or taken an un planned day off in 13 years.

today, shit kind of hit the fan. i feel like i've been semi keeping the balls in the air but today they all fell down and rolled around the kitchen floor. it's been building all week. escalated yesterday when alex told me that when i help her with her geometry, she always get's it wrong and then ian told me i needed to lose 70 lbs. so you can imagine, i'm just not feeling competent or confident in any aspect of my life.

today, i received probably 10 non work related emails today that pushed me so far over the top in things i needed to do. then, i spent my hour of 'get shit done' at night searching for ian's reading homework book, and then that little thing happened that pushes you over the edge. i ran out of milk. again, right up there with shoulder surgery and imminent excruciating pain. right? no.

sometimes, i just have to take a day off of work to do EVERYTHING ELSE. so here is what i'm gonna do tomorrow instead of 'working'.

1. submit girl scout cookie order

2. return library book that is now 3 weeks over due. bring money you pretty much have to pay for the whole book.

3. take immunization records to school (this has been on the list for 3 weeks) and the office lady is on my tail

4. mail toilet rebate (because we finally crossed 'buy working toilets' off the list)

5. return shoes you shouldn't have bought

6. return food processor you got for sean to make salsa, but he doesn't like it

7. turn in school auction donation money, pick up family basket information, pick up vendor call list, sign up for volunteer slots

8. alex needs two paper sacks for her music performance costumes

9. figure out when to volunteer for that

10. alex's book battles are coming up, find flashcards and practice them with her

11. ian's teacher needs us to send 'mona lisa' pictures back to school

12. call bank for car title

13. water bill passed due, setup online payment

14. email rsvp for girl scout retreat

15. email rsvp for father daughter dance

16.  sign ian up for baseball

17. call simon's mom back, play date request

18. send in rental form for family weekend on mountain

19. print label and return amazon cabinet hinges. the two sets of wrong ones.

20. do all laundry because we need to pull washer/dryer out on saturday.

21. buy food, you have none.

22. ian's 4 sweatshirts and 1 coat are missing. not in lost and found. figure out how to attach them to his person permanently.

23. something is wrong with dog, take him to vet. foreign growth on paw. SWEET.

24. mail the rest of donna's christmas gift

25. make ian's 5 year check up appointment (note: he's 6)

26. make alex's 7 year old check up (note: she's 8)


28. remember when anybody in your family last went to the dentist.

29. call gma, you missed her birthday.

30. call your aunt, and check in again. try to make her laugh while she's in excruciating pain with something clever and witty.

31. think of something clever and witty.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

pulling teeth


this child is an interesting fellow. just this week, sean and i looked across the room at each other after he'd done or said something so odd and did that thing we do when ian does something so odd (which is a lot) and we shook our heads and smirked at each other. both aware that we made him. and that our weirdness combined, made him. 'we are responsible for that' and we laugh.

he typically comes into the house like a whirlwind. kicking both shoes off in different directions and then stripping down to his underwear. if we are at home, it's all he's got on. otherwise, he's too hot. and the guy is ripped right now. he's super lean (the total opposite of 2 yr old ian) and he's got a 6 pack. it's weird. but, it matches his personality.

tonight, it was like pulling teeth to get ian to do his reading homework. and i say this because even getting him to lose his teeth, is like pulling teeth (i have to do it). the two teeth he's lost, I YANKED OUT because he can't be bothered with dangly bleeding chicklets. i digress.

ahem...tonight, we were painstakingly getting thru his reading homework while he giggled and laughed and failed to sound the words out.  see, he'd rather make up sentences that sorta kinda go along with the picture. i was tired and done and ready for bed myself and with sean in DC and alex yelling from the other room that it was her turn i sorta kinda lost it.

'IAN, buddy. you need to focus. you know if you don't practice and take this seriously and learn to read you can't do much of anything in life'

'well sure i can mom, i don't need to read for anything. reading is not my thing math is. and basketball'.

'oh really? you need to know how to read to work and drive and well to READ. don't you want to read the paper? a book? road signs? subtitles on really cool foreign movies? what if you get lost, and need to read a map, or what about sports illustrated. dad reads that to play his fantasy football. what about that?'


'how are you gonna earn money to pay for food and shelter and clothes and fun stuff?'

'i'll just save up my christmas money for like 20 years'

'that's not enough sweetie, that will last you about 9 seconds and one lego toy set'

'well i'll just get a card'

'well, you have to have money in the bank to have a card'

'well, i'll just get married!'



Monday, January 13, 2014

High Low

you know that card game? high low? you're dealt a card and you have to choose if the next card will be higher or lower? i love that game. it's a game of chance, and prediction. there is strategy to it, but really you get what you get. i firmly believe that all people are essentially dealt different cards in life. and it's a complete cliche, but it's what you do with them that matters.

when the kids got old enough, we started playing 'high low' at the dinner table. not with cards, but with the events of the day. 'what was your high?' and 'what was your low?' it gave us a glimpse into their day and after some urging, we'd have them ask us the same questions. we don't have nearly enough time on a weekday to catch up, and sometimes i feel very disconnected from sean and the kids M-F but this game can keep us in tune with the best and worst of our happenings.

our life feels like one big high/low game right now. and i guess that's a good thing. you need low's to appreciate those high's, and vice versa. perspective. appreciation. empathy for others. it all comes from your experiences and how you perceive them. how you get thru them, and what you learn from them. i think sean and i are battling one of those times in our life where one day we will look back and say 'remember that time? that was hard'. it's nothing life threatening. everyone is healthy. things are just busy. we are stretched thin, our work life balance is not where it should be. i keep calling 'high' and the cards keeping coming in 'low'. does it mean we are unhappy? no, we are just tiiiiiiiiiiiired.

sean's job is busy. if i really added up how many hours he works in a week, i don't know. i'd lose count. he's just working so hard, and watching him is tiring. he's gone many evenings, and even when he's home? he goes back to work when i drag myself up to bed. i don't know how he does it. because all but one week a month, i work a relatively normal work schedule and i feel spent. and naturally, some of the tasks we used to share i try to pick up on my own. and i'm growing tired of the ground hogs day routine. get up, drop off kids, go to work, pick up kids, go home, make dinner, do homework, give showers, read to kids, say good night, clean up massive mess that just occurred from all of that, go to bed, wake up. repeat.

but thru this, i can always dig inside and find that high and low.

today my low was ian telling me i had about 70 lbs to lose. the guy has been joining me in some evening workout dvd time which is HILARIOUS and humbling because he kicks my ass in pretty much every drill and doesn't break a sweat. meanwhile, i'm stopping for water while he mocks me AND tells me to 'keep going mom!'. once, he said 'mom i can actually SEE your legs getting smaller'.

my high? it's a toss up. it might have been my dead quiet commute home. i've been getting in the habit of turning the radio off, and today my phone just happened to have died so i didn't hear a single call or text. and it was an hour of pure silence. a gift. just me and the open road (or the parking lot that is hwy 217). so it was either that, or these 15 minutes i've spent writing. because writing and painting (walls not canvas) are my therapy. and these days, i need all i can get.

speaking of therapy. and painting. coming soon, maybe a mid process laundry room / mudroom update. i've all but demolished the wallpaper laden sheetrock and we've torn up the linoleum floor. i'm 2 seconds (or two weeks) from completing the cabinets...it's looking like the house was set fire back there, but i can see it's future and it's breathtaking.

Monday, January 6, 2014

good intentions

i wish the mantra 'it's the thought that counts' applied to exercise. i wish that just the intention of working out, taking time for yourself, and putting yourself first gave you the results you wanted.

but no.

this morning, before i left for work, i threw some clothes and my gym shoes into a bag with the intent of going to the gym at lunch. all part of my 'happy new year' get my butt back to the gym or buy all new jeans plan. but i ended up leaving the house at 7, the time i should have been AT work to warrant a long lunch and when the back to work and back to school traffic turned my normally half hour commute into an hour...i knew there was no lunch work out in store for me.

so at that point, i spent the rest of the day catching up from christmas vacation and psyching myself up for an online barre3 class later that evening.

and at 5:00 when i left the office with a raging headache, i was still fully prepared to do this. it was happening. i pick the kids up at 6, head home, make them dinner, get their homework started, and i'm still prepared to take this damn class.

it's 7:15 and i have 45 minutes until 8 which is the time of day my body straight shuts down and needs to stop moving and thinking and doing anything it doesn't want to do so i have just 45 minutes and the clock is ticking. and alex needs to practice her recorder, and ian is over-tired and doing what he does when he's over-tired and talking about how much he misses his great pop-pop. and he reminds me how i've promised him a picture of great pop-pop and i never follow thru on my promises. and when sean tries to put the kids to bed for me so i can do this damn video alex melts down that i never tuck them in which is a lie. such a terrible lie, but the guilt tugs.

i've been away from them all day, and i have these two hours and how dare i take 40 minutes of that time and do something for me and my busted out jeans.

and i keep plugging. i made a promise to myself and so i setup the computer and spend 30 minutes looking for my hand weights and the barre3 ball and i find one weight. and i start to un-ravel because honest to god i feel like all i do is look for things and the walls of my house start closing in. and the pile of dishes, and laundry that needs putting away, and i try to do the video anyway because at this point i'm hard core doing this no matter what. and ian is fighting bed upstairs, and alex is blowing into her recorder and i can't hear the video and then the part comes where you have to use the ball and it's 7:54 and both kids are crying and i'm so tired and my head throbs on. and so i do what you do when the world is falling down around you.

i slam the computer down and cry for 10 minutes because no matter how hard i try. and i tried hard. making exercise a priority is near impossible and i'm angry.

if only being angry burned calories. and it's the angry that happens when you've only eaten 1200 calories because that's all i can eat when i don't exercise. so off to bed i go. tomorrow i get up an hour earlier. and i try again.