good intentions

i wish the mantra 'it's the thought that counts' applied to exercise. i wish that just the intention of working out, taking time for yourself, and putting yourself first gave you the results you wanted.

but no.

this morning, before i left for work, i threw some clothes and my gym shoes into a bag with the intent of going to the gym at lunch. all part of my 'happy new year' get my butt back to the gym or buy all new jeans plan. but i ended up leaving the house at 7, the time i should have been AT work to warrant a long lunch and when the back to work and back to school traffic turned my normally half hour commute into an hour...i knew there was no lunch work out in store for me.

so at that point, i spent the rest of the day catching up from christmas vacation and psyching myself up for an online barre3 class later that evening.

and at 5:00 when i left the office with a raging headache, i was still fully prepared to do this. it was happening. i pick the kids up at 6, head home, make them dinner, get their homework started, and i'm still prepared to take this damn class.

it's 7:15 and i have 45 minutes until 8 which is the time of day my body straight shuts down and needs to stop moving and thinking and doing anything it doesn't want to do so i have just 45 minutes and the clock is ticking. and alex needs to practice her recorder, and ian is over-tired and doing what he does when he's over-tired and talking about how much he misses his great pop-pop. and he reminds me how i've promised him a picture of great pop-pop and i never follow thru on my promises. and when sean tries to put the kids to bed for me so i can do this damn video alex melts down that i never tuck them in which is a lie. such a terrible lie, but the guilt tugs.

i've been away from them all day, and i have these two hours and how dare i take 40 minutes of that time and do something for me and my busted out jeans.

and i keep plugging. i made a promise to myself and so i setup the computer and spend 30 minutes looking for my hand weights and the barre3 ball and i find one weight. and i start to un-ravel because honest to god i feel like all i do is look for things and the walls of my house start closing in. and the pile of dishes, and laundry that needs putting away, and i try to do the video anyway because at this point i'm hard core doing this no matter what. and ian is fighting bed upstairs, and alex is blowing into her recorder and i can't hear the video and then the part comes where you have to use the ball and it's 7:54 and both kids are crying and i'm so tired and my head throbs on. and so i do what you do when the world is falling down around you.

i slam the computer down and cry for 10 minutes because no matter how hard i try. and i tried hard. making exercise a priority is near impossible and i'm angry.

if only being angry burned calories. and it's the angry that happens when you've only eaten 1200 calories because that's all i can eat when i don't exercise. so off to bed i go. tomorrow i get up an hour earlier. and i try again.