Wednesday, May 29, 2013

the story about a girl who was a mom and the conversation with her mom

once upon a time, there was a girl. well, she was technically a woman. but she felt like a girl still. so let's call her a girl.

ahem. never mind. makes her sound young and 'immaturey'.

once upon a time, there was a girl. a 35 year old girl.

okay, scratch that. she was a mom.

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MOM. she was on her way home from work one day teetering on that 45 minute realm of 'this is my me time sitting here on this freeway not moving at all so let's try to enjoy it' and 'oh my gosh, i have no idea what to make for dinner and i think sean is working late, and we are totally out of eggs and bread', so PANIC!

so the mom picked up her kids from school and drove directly to the store. and the kids complained from the back seat that they always have to go to the store and they hhhaaaaaaattte going to the store and NO FAIR we have to go to the store.

so the mom explained that if she didn't sometimes go to the store, that when they asked for their 769th snack of the day there just might not be any food left. and they said that is fine with them. they don't need snacks!

and that is the moment the mom realized that this night was gonna be AWESOME. like, in the not awesome (it's going to totally suck) way.

so the mom, being sort of a 'go big and go hard kind' of mom decided that if the night was gonna suck she was going to make it as easy on her as possible. so she did what any mother would do (RIGHT?) and bought her kids dinner and the next days lunch IN A BOX. dinner being one of those 'kids cuisine' microwave meals the kids get once a year but get as excited about as mom and dad do for their bi-yearly date night. lunch you ask? a well balanced 'lunch able' complete with rice crispy treat.

the mom was excited to go home and 'beep beep beep' have dinner be ready in 2 minutes and 30 seconds and lunch ready as quickly as she could un-zip and re-zip her kids lunch bags. she knew she'd get through her 'mommy guilt' rather quickly on this one and would do better tomorrow.

so the mom arrived home and 'beep beep beep' popped dinner in the microwave.

when the phone rang and the girl saw that it was her mom (yes, she's a girl again. her mom is calling) she picked it up and asked her mom how her weekend was. and just when the girl started to have a conversation with her mom, of course the kids started fighting over the couch cushions and debating on who was taking up more room and who was on who's cushion and so and so looked at me funny, and 'MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' so the girl asked her mom to hold as she had a super important debate to settle.

and when the super important debate was settled, she got back on the phone to ask her mom AGAIN how her weekend was. and just when her mom started to answer she watched her son fling his 'gummy sticky hand' he'd won at big al's over the weekend up onto the vaulted ceiling. 18 feet up.

'can you hold on please mom?, i have another situation' the girl asked.


she picked up her phone again 'sorry mom, go ahead' the girl said.

and as the girls mom started to tell her about her weekend, the girl went out to the cluttered and messy garage. you see the mom (yes, she's a mom again because moms have jobs and responsibilities and way to much to do) is moving in one month. and nothing is in it's place or easy to find or where it should be. so the mom rummaged around until she found her big long painting extension pole.

and she brought that pole into the living room and stood on a chair with her phone balancing between her shoulder and her cheek, and she began to poke around at this gummy sticky hand and tried to remove it from the ceiling while hearing her mom tell her about her weekend.

'sorry mom, can you hold on. i'm about to fall off this chair, or drop my phone, or accidentally swear in front of the kids, if i don't eliminate one task from my current state'.

so she puts the phone down and futz's with the pole and to no avail the gummy sticky hand won't come off.

the girl picks up the phone and explains to her mom what she was doing and her mom laughs. maybe at the visual picture, or maybe at the situation, or maybe because she's happy it's not her balancing on a chair with a big long pole in her hands trying to remove a toy that cost 375 tickets and probably $36 dollars from the arcade that we went to because it rained for 48 nonstop hours this weekend.

'so mom, you were telling me about your weekend...go on' the girl says.

so the mom heads upstairs to start her son's bath and when she get's to the top of the stairs and her mom is telling her about her weekend, she see's that her dog has ripped up her less than 2 year old loop carpeting. and she's staring at this scene, 3 weeks before she needs to move wondering where the dog is because she's going to kill him.

'mom, yeah. hi. sorry to interrupt. i'm staring at my carpeting right outside ian's door AND IT SEEMS THAT CHIP HAS TORN IT UP AND I'M BEGINNING TO FREAK OUT' the girl shouts.

'oh my' her mom says. 'please, try to remain calm. is it bad?'

'yes it's bad! the carpet is TORN up! like, he was trying to dig to china torn up and we are selling our house and what. the. hell. am i going to do now?'

'you are going to remain calm' her mom said.

so the girl marched downstairs and poured herself a giant glass of wine and tried to do just that. remain calm.

'mom, can we have a snack?' the kids began to chirp.

and the mom's eyes got big and crazy. 'oh, well. it's your lucky day. since we went to the store today if you'll remember. i do have a few snack items you can now choose from' she replied.

the children, not detecting her sarcasm screamed with joy and ran into the kitchen for a snack.

'mom, are you still there?' the girl asked.

'yes.' she said.

'so tell me again, how was your weekend?'

Friday, May 10, 2013

she was only trying to help.

a month ago, alex came running into the house asking for my keys. 'mom, mom, MOM!? where are your keys? when I didn't answer because I was 9 feet into our 10 foot deep hot and muggy storage closet, she yelled again, 'MOM, I FOUND THEM. I'M GOING TO GET THE MAIL!'

who knew that the fact I was in the dark depths of hell searching for an old tax return and unable to respond would change the course of my life and my bank account for the next week.

so she went to get the mail at the end of the street, and like any other 7 year old would do threw the mail  AND keys on the back of sean's car and continued to ride her bike.

life carried on for a bit. i found my paperwork and decided to spend an hour organizing this closet. and sean took the kids to our nephews baseball game. in his car. where the keys were set. without him having any clue.

so he drove to the game, and the keys surely flung off somewhere on the way.

and when i needed to go to the store later, i asked alex where she put my keys. and when she told us 'on the back of daddy's car', sean and i looked at each other with dread and started to frantically look. and look. and drive all around the neighborhood. and to the school, and back, and back again. going 4 miles an hour scouring the roads and sidewalks for my keys.

and then we gave up.

they were gone forever.

so i call the acura dealership and asked what to do.

me: hi sir, i lost my car keys. and my house keys and my mail key, and my work key, and my everything.

sir: well, we'll need to see the car to re-code your key and replace your key less entry.

me: well sir, how do you expect me to get my car to you without my keys?

sir: you have to tow it here.

me: awesome.

so i call a tow truck CHA-CHING, and take the car to the dealership where they code us a new keyless remote (CHA-CHING CHA-CHING) and make us 3 spare keys (CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING).

meanwhile, alex is irritated we weren't able to go to the park as we promised and needs our undivided attention for this or that while we try to (patiently) solve the mess that has become our day. because she wanted to help. and get the mail. which consisted of a rotor rooter flyer, and a coupon to sweet tomatoes.

we then replace my house key, and my work key, and after a long day at work and at 5:58 pm and two minutes before closing i step into the post office to replace my mail key. i promise the kids that if they please please please behave i will give them a piece of gum because bribery totally works with kids and i'm desperate for my weeks worth of mail.  and it's here where ian tells the post office clerk that his butt hurts and in fact, his sister has a fashina (vagina) and totally embarrasses me.

the woman smiles awkwardly, charges me $40 for the key, and promises to replace the key within the week and that they are now closed.

and when we get into the car and ian asks for his 'reward' for 'behaving', because he didn't actually say the words BUTT and FASHINA to a perfect stranger i calmly say, 'maybe next time'. because i'm chill like that.

and it's then, a week later, that the 'key debaucle' is finally solved so imagine my surprise when we pull int the drive and alex asks if she can get the mail.