Thursday, April 28, 2016
Blurred Lines
The Scene:
It's dusk, a Sunday in early April in the Pacific Northwest. We've gathered with our dearest friends on the back patio of a friends house as the sun and heat came early this year and we are pretending it's summer. But the sun has gone down, and we are all freezing. Wrapped in puffy coats, drinking wine like Hot Chocolate because it's warming just the same.
I overhear a conversation at the end of the table. A friend is telling a story about a boy who had a problem saying potty words. And so to roadblock this problem, the parents offered a reward. 'If you make it one week without saying a potty word, we'll take you to Red Robin and you can have ice cream!" the story went.
Apparently, the young boy was so motivated by the prospect he made it one entire week without the likes of 'poop', or 'butt', or 'poopy butt'. What a feat.
So the family went to Red Robin to celebrate the win, and they had dinner. And then the grand finale, an ice cream sundae. The young boy savored each bite with quiet enjoyment.
When he was done, he licked the spoon top to bottom and placed it in his bowl. He looked at his parents from across the table and said, "BUTTHOLE".
Now, before you judge...let me share. This story was about my child. My young boy with a potty mouth problem.
When the story was over, I leaned down and said "who was this?" and my friend looked at me and said "Ian, it's IAN!, Don't you remember?" And bit by bit and detail by detail those blurred lines came back to me.
And it all came back to me. That 'funny little time' when Ian had a terrible potty mouth. Right around his 'little white lies' era where he would explain scratches to his face as the result of 'falling on a box of knives' and that one time he told his daycare teacher his parents were living in separate houses and expecting another baby. Imagine my surprise when they pulled me into a back room at pickup one day to discuss the big family changes and "how can we help?"
It's funny what you forget as time marches on. Which is why I tried to write the best of the best down here. This one just comes a few years late. Thanks to my friend for reminding me of this treasure. I will add this to the list of possible topics of discussion during his wedding toast.
xoxo,
Carrie
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
sharts are real
oh hi blog!
ian was super sick this week. the sickest he's ever been. he's been my healthy kid, my 'oh he's just got the sniffles' kid. so when he went down with a violent stomach bug this week it sort of threw us all for a loop.
a fever reaching 104, diarrhea, vomiting, lethargy, not eating for days, calls to the doctor. we did more laundry than we've ever done and spent multiple nights in a row hovering over his withering little hot body while he breathed heavily in and out and every so often needed us to hold a bucket for him. we listened to him wail that he was clearly dying, and his intestines were burning him alive from the inside. it was all very dramatic and awful.
he was so feverish and so dehydrated and spent the night speaking gibberish of the boy with the red boots running too fast, and the thief that was stealing from him! he'd open his eyes and they'd roll around in his head and he'd mumble 'it was the bus mom, the ants are on the bus'.
i'm not gonna lie, i slept less than I do with an infant during those early days where you stare wide eyed at your little person with your hand resting gently on their chest to ensure they are still breathing.
sean and i alternated 'working from home' which is near impossible to do when you have a sick child. and i think i was the winner when my 'in the office day' landed on the 'take ian to the doctor day'. sean had to literally carry his body around and later...he had to retrieve a stool speciman and 'carry' that back to the doctor. i knew this with a text that said, 'en route to doctor with speciman'. these are things you do when your a parent.
yesterday, he took a turn for the better. his fever went down, we managed to keep some crackers and juice in him...and he started cracking jokes again.
once, he called me from the bathroom (which is typical of the last week) and yelled, 'Mom, can you come wipe my butt! and then he said 'AND THE WALL' which had you been a fly on our wall over the past 72 hours you'd know that was not completely out of the realm of possibilities as one day in particular there was bodily fluids on the floor, walls, doors, and shower walls.
so I went running. and as he sat there...frail and peaked and with dark circles under his eyes he weakly said...'kidding mom'.
today, he argued we should get out of this house and 'see the world' as he hasn't seen it in WEEKS! and that maybe we should go to Target to get him some new lego's as he's watched FAR too much tv this week.
So we think he's on the mend, and back to his normal turdish little self. In fact, he's just now singing ' hit me with your best shot' and requesting a 'hungry man' for dinner.
ian was super sick this week. the sickest he's ever been. he's been my healthy kid, my 'oh he's just got the sniffles' kid. so when he went down with a violent stomach bug this week it sort of threw us all for a loop.
a fever reaching 104, diarrhea, vomiting, lethargy, not eating for days, calls to the doctor. we did more laundry than we've ever done and spent multiple nights in a row hovering over his withering little hot body while he breathed heavily in and out and every so often needed us to hold a bucket for him. we listened to him wail that he was clearly dying, and his intestines were burning him alive from the inside. it was all very dramatic and awful.
he was so feverish and so dehydrated and spent the night speaking gibberish of the boy with the red boots running too fast, and the thief that was stealing from him! he'd open his eyes and they'd roll around in his head and he'd mumble 'it was the bus mom, the ants are on the bus'.
i'm not gonna lie, i slept less than I do with an infant during those early days where you stare wide eyed at your little person with your hand resting gently on their chest to ensure they are still breathing.
sean and i alternated 'working from home' which is near impossible to do when you have a sick child. and i think i was the winner when my 'in the office day' landed on the 'take ian to the doctor day'. sean had to literally carry his body around and later...he had to retrieve a stool speciman and 'carry' that back to the doctor. i knew this with a text that said, 'en route to doctor with speciman'. these are things you do when your a parent.
yesterday, he took a turn for the better. his fever went down, we managed to keep some crackers and juice in him...and he started cracking jokes again.
once, he called me from the bathroom (which is typical of the last week) and yelled, 'Mom, can you come wipe my butt! and then he said 'AND THE WALL' which had you been a fly on our wall over the past 72 hours you'd know that was not completely out of the realm of possibilities as one day in particular there was bodily fluids on the floor, walls, doors, and shower walls.
so I went running. and as he sat there...frail and peaked and with dark circles under his eyes he weakly said...'kidding mom'.
today, he argued we should get out of this house and 'see the world' as he hasn't seen it in WEEKS! and that maybe we should go to Target to get him some new lego's as he's watched FAR too much tv this week.
So we think he's on the mend, and back to his normal turdish little self. In fact, he's just now singing ' hit me with your best shot' and requesting a 'hungry man' for dinner.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
that time i nearly changed everything, and then did
it was 2008. my kids were 1 and 3. it was the year when i first decided i couldn't do it anymore. of course there have been many times since, and i've carried on just like i did that first time. that first time i wondered if this working full time with two young kids would kill me. or ruin me. or them. or all of us.
of course it hasn't, and we are fine. but every so often all those balls i am juggling drop to the ground and i fall down to pick them up and put my hands up and say 'i surrender!' 'this is too hard!', and 'save me!'
that first time in 2008, i threw my hands up with a craigslist post and said, 'i'm prepared to quit my good full time job' 'i want to be home with my babies' and 'they are growing up before other peoples eyes' and 'i will have that no more'. i posted my ad and decided to be a nanny. to care for my kids and someone else's and in the back of my mind i knew it wouldn't work. that it wouldn't quite pay the bills. that it wouldn't really fix anything. that it wouldn't give me what I really wanted, which was to just be a mom.
but i did it anyway. and i met with some amazing full time working moms with hope and wonder in their eyes if i was the answer to their prayers. the one that would help them manage their full time job and their full time kids. 'help me' their faces said.
and i met this one mom at a coffee shop. and we talked and we chatted and discussed our kids and i looked at her and saw myself. i saw someone doing it just like me. the full time job thing and the kid thing and what happened is she didn't say 'yes, you! you are my new nanny'. maybe she didn't see my frazzled self capable of it. maybe she saw herself in me too. and knew that i wasn't about to quit my job. that i couldn't quit my job. she saw someone on their hands and knees saying 'i surrender!' and 'this is too hard!', and 'help me'.
and what happened that day was not a business agreement. it was the beginning of a friendship that since has been a lifeline to me.
her and i live this parallel life and really can't help each other in the way some friends do. we communicate mostly by email and text and chat. we don't ask each other to watch our kids because well, we know how hard it is to manage just our own. and of late we don't even invite each other's kids to our kids birthday parties because we know adding a 'gift purchase' to the to do list could be the final straw that sends us to our knees again. no, we don't see each other much or do 'girl time' much because we both know how precious our family time is and how precious our husband time is, and how it's sometimes pressure just to keep all the women in our life happy too. so we see each other once or twice a year and oftentimes it's in the parking lot at soccer practice because one of us has found an amazing BOGO deal at target on a pair of boots and to save the other time, ordered and shipped them.
this is a person i can tell ANYTHING too. a person that doesn't respond to anything with something worse to one up me, or something better to make sure i have perspective. this is a person that can simply say 'i'm sorry, that sucks' and i know she means it. she doesn't pity me, or overwhelm me with advice on how to fix it. she just says 'i know'...and she does.
she's someone that knows conferences, field trips, class parties, sick days, and no school days aren't just inconvenient but damn near impossible to navigate. that sometimes the logistics of our life just fail. that clean laundry and milk in the fridge should be celebrated. that volunteering in the classroom, deserves a blue ribbon. that the one time a year you get to ride the bus with 60 3rd graders to see a play might damn well be the best day of your year. that the rat race between 6am and 9pm can leave you spinning. that always being late and missing that thing you needed when you finally show just sometimes makes you wonder if you need a padded room.
she knows exactly when i need to be told to snap out of it and tells me to take my vitamin D 'it sounds like the winter is getting to you carrie, vitamin up!' she knows when i just need to vent, or be told i'm not alone. she knows when i just need to laugh. and when i just need her to tell me her amex bill is higher than mine. we compare mortgage balances, we work out financial decisions on paper together. we are honest with each other and know when to say 'YES DO IT' or 'NO DON'T'. we help each other find daycare, and bounce birthday party ideas and invitations and christmas cards off each other. 'does this look good?', 'NO, bad color...change it'. we share where to get cheap pants for our always growing girls. we say what we think, which is usually what the other needs to hear, and it's honest and helpful at the same time. we have been on 189 diets together, all of which have failed but we keep cheering for the other. and when the other says, 'let's try this' the other says 'let's'.
she knows what to say when my kids get sick and i have to juggle work in the midst. she reminds me what's important, and what's even more important than that.
she also knows that despite it all, i am so thankful and feel so blessed in this crazy life. she knows that i wouldn't change a thing, or trade my problems for anyone elses. that they are mine, ALL MINE and i'm not asking for a different life or a better life or an easier life.
she just knows that sometimes, there is just NOT. ENOUGH OF YOU. TO GO AROUND. and when to say 'you are enough', 'you are doing it' and 'you are doing a good job'.
sometimes i think those simple words are all that's gotten me thru the last 6 years.
i wanted to write this because, in 20 years i never want to forget the impact she has had on my life. we may not need each other in the same way we do now. but i could not have done this without her. i hope that in return, i've given her even half the support to keep going that she's given me. i think we both think that the strange way we met via a craigslist ad just had to be. that we had to find each other in this crazy life, join hands and walk this tightrope together. because otherwise, we'd have fallen by now.
of course it hasn't, and we are fine. but every so often all those balls i am juggling drop to the ground and i fall down to pick them up and put my hands up and say 'i surrender!' 'this is too hard!', and 'save me!'
that first time in 2008, i threw my hands up with a craigslist post and said, 'i'm prepared to quit my good full time job' 'i want to be home with my babies' and 'they are growing up before other peoples eyes' and 'i will have that no more'. i posted my ad and decided to be a nanny. to care for my kids and someone else's and in the back of my mind i knew it wouldn't work. that it wouldn't quite pay the bills. that it wouldn't really fix anything. that it wouldn't give me what I really wanted, which was to just be a mom.
but i did it anyway. and i met with some amazing full time working moms with hope and wonder in their eyes if i was the answer to their prayers. the one that would help them manage their full time job and their full time kids. 'help me' their faces said.
and i met this one mom at a coffee shop. and we talked and we chatted and discussed our kids and i looked at her and saw myself. i saw someone doing it just like me. the full time job thing and the kid thing and what happened is she didn't say 'yes, you! you are my new nanny'. maybe she didn't see my frazzled self capable of it. maybe she saw herself in me too. and knew that i wasn't about to quit my job. that i couldn't quit my job. she saw someone on their hands and knees saying 'i surrender!' and 'this is too hard!', and 'help me'.
and what happened that day was not a business agreement. it was the beginning of a friendship that since has been a lifeline to me.
her and i live this parallel life and really can't help each other in the way some friends do. we communicate mostly by email and text and chat. we don't ask each other to watch our kids because well, we know how hard it is to manage just our own. and of late we don't even invite each other's kids to our kids birthday parties because we know adding a 'gift purchase' to the to do list could be the final straw that sends us to our knees again. no, we don't see each other much or do 'girl time' much because we both know how precious our family time is and how precious our husband time is, and how it's sometimes pressure just to keep all the women in our life happy too. so we see each other once or twice a year and oftentimes it's in the parking lot at soccer practice because one of us has found an amazing BOGO deal at target on a pair of boots and to save the other time, ordered and shipped them.
this is a person i can tell ANYTHING too. a person that doesn't respond to anything with something worse to one up me, or something better to make sure i have perspective. this is a person that can simply say 'i'm sorry, that sucks' and i know she means it. she doesn't pity me, or overwhelm me with advice on how to fix it. she just says 'i know'...and she does.
she's someone that knows conferences, field trips, class parties, sick days, and no school days aren't just inconvenient but damn near impossible to navigate. that sometimes the logistics of our life just fail. that clean laundry and milk in the fridge should be celebrated. that volunteering in the classroom, deserves a blue ribbon. that the one time a year you get to ride the bus with 60 3rd graders to see a play might damn well be the best day of your year. that the rat race between 6am and 9pm can leave you spinning. that always being late and missing that thing you needed when you finally show just sometimes makes you wonder if you need a padded room.
she knows exactly when i need to be told to snap out of it and tells me to take my vitamin D 'it sounds like the winter is getting to you carrie, vitamin up!' she knows when i just need to vent, or be told i'm not alone. she knows when i just need to laugh. and when i just need her to tell me her amex bill is higher than mine. we compare mortgage balances, we work out financial decisions on paper together. we are honest with each other and know when to say 'YES DO IT' or 'NO DON'T'. we help each other find daycare, and bounce birthday party ideas and invitations and christmas cards off each other. 'does this look good?', 'NO, bad color...change it'. we share where to get cheap pants for our always growing girls. we say what we think, which is usually what the other needs to hear, and it's honest and helpful at the same time. we have been on 189 diets together, all of which have failed but we keep cheering for the other. and when the other says, 'let's try this' the other says 'let's'.
she knows what to say when my kids get sick and i have to juggle work in the midst. she reminds me what's important, and what's even more important than that.
she also knows that despite it all, i am so thankful and feel so blessed in this crazy life. she knows that i wouldn't change a thing, or trade my problems for anyone elses. that they are mine, ALL MINE and i'm not asking for a different life or a better life or an easier life.
she just knows that sometimes, there is just NOT. ENOUGH OF YOU. TO GO AROUND. and when to say 'you are enough', 'you are doing it' and 'you are doing a good job'.
sometimes i think those simple words are all that's gotten me thru the last 6 years.
i wanted to write this because, in 20 years i never want to forget the impact she has had on my life. we may not need each other in the same way we do now. but i could not have done this without her. i hope that in return, i've given her even half the support to keep going that she's given me. i think we both think that the strange way we met via a craigslist ad just had to be. that we had to find each other in this crazy life, join hands and walk this tightrope together. because otherwise, we'd have fallen by now.
Friday, October 24, 2014
steak a la lice carcass
alex got lice again. okay, so it's been more than once. three times maybe? i can't keep track. it's survival. you get really good at blocking out the memory of pulling bugs from your kids hair. blocking out how keen your vision is when you find nits the size of a needlepoint. erasing the experience of back breaking pain while hovering over your child and combing the one trillion foot long strands of your kids hair for HOURS.
it happened again. roughly a week before our vacation. i saw her from across the room scratch her scalp. it's a reaction i get now when either of my kids touches their head. a cold sweat, a panic, my heart skips a beat. in the course of a minute you go from panic, to fear, to anger, to OMG, to WHY ME?, to I AM MOTHER HEAR ME ROAR I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE I'LL DO IT AGAIN, to you better check your self little lice assholes, because i'm coming for you.
i can almost hear the music in the background as i pump myself up for the big fight. like rocky. this is happening. this is life. this is LICE people.
so i go to the cupboard where all the lice supplies are. because i now have a cupboard for this. it's a whole shelf dedicated to RID, and combs, and you know...other bug removal paraphernalia. it's right above the shelf with everything random we've ever owned and never used and right next to my highschool memory box. so you know IMPORTANT STUFF.
and i gasp when i find we are out of the 'says it kills lice' shampoo but i kind of think my kids are immune to it now bottles.
DAMN.
so a call to sean to pick up more at a crazy $20 a bottle and alex needs practically 3 of them. has anyone ever actually gone bankrupt dealing with lice? i'm practically sure it's happened. why is there all this controversy over health companies covering birth control when what we really should be talking about is lice shampoo and tax rebates, and food stamps but for lice. LICE STAMPS.
so sean comes home with the shampoo and we wash and we comb and we comb 40 times more and i think i've got it all. i've got my system down. i have the comb, and the paper towel to swipe the bugs on, and the bowl of water to dip the comb in and i'm combing and swiping and dipping. sean is helping from afar by handling dinner and lunches and homework. we are a team when it comes to lice. TEAM LICE. i get the bugs, he does everything else. and by everything else, i mean being my personal slave boy so i'm all, 'sean, take this comb and this brush and put it in water to soak' because in case you don't know LICE 101, lice don't drown for like 4 hours and at this point i feel super confident because i totally know what i'm doing. we got this.
so i take the bowl into the kitchen, and i throw away the towels and i scratch my head because when you're dealing with lice your head itches like all the time and then i pop alex upstairs to the shower and my dear husband is heating up leftovers and it's only 7:45 we are so on top of this night. only 15 minutes til bedtime and all we need to do is eat dinner, have alex do her homework practice her violin, and do 30 minutes of reading. i mean, STOKE right?
so we rush the shower, and race downstairs and we've got hot steak and risotto leftover from last night. I mean, YUM!
this lice day is actually feeling pretty awesome.
so the kids started eating and i'm heaping my plate when i see it.
i see the lice bowl that was used to dip the lice comb in, and that lice bowl that was just housing several dozen dead lice bodies and nits is sitting on the counter half covered in saran wrap filled with last nights steak.
i gag, like FOR REAL GAG. and scream at the kids to spit out their steak and i'm all 'SEAN, where did you get this bowl' and he's all 'it was on the counter' and i'm all, 'did you wash it???' he's all ' it looked clean to me' and i'm panicking 'this is the bowl i used to wash the lice in' and then OMG expletive expletive, dinner is ruined, our life sucks, things were so awesome a minute ago but right now i want to die because we just fed our kids steak a la lice carcasses and then i see it. i see my brushes and combs bobbing in a pot full of last nights pasta water.
it happened again. roughly a week before our vacation. i saw her from across the room scratch her scalp. it's a reaction i get now when either of my kids touches their head. a cold sweat, a panic, my heart skips a beat. in the course of a minute you go from panic, to fear, to anger, to OMG, to WHY ME?, to I AM MOTHER HEAR ME ROAR I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE I'LL DO IT AGAIN, to you better check your self little lice assholes, because i'm coming for you.
i can almost hear the music in the background as i pump myself up for the big fight. like rocky. this is happening. this is life. this is LICE people.
so i go to the cupboard where all the lice supplies are. because i now have a cupboard for this. it's a whole shelf dedicated to RID, and combs, and you know...other bug removal paraphernalia. it's right above the shelf with everything random we've ever owned and never used and right next to my highschool memory box. so you know IMPORTANT STUFF.
and i gasp when i find we are out of the 'says it kills lice' shampoo but i kind of think my kids are immune to it now bottles.
DAMN.
so a call to sean to pick up more at a crazy $20 a bottle and alex needs practically 3 of them. has anyone ever actually gone bankrupt dealing with lice? i'm practically sure it's happened. why is there all this controversy over health companies covering birth control when what we really should be talking about is lice shampoo and tax rebates, and food stamps but for lice. LICE STAMPS.
so sean comes home with the shampoo and we wash and we comb and we comb 40 times more and i think i've got it all. i've got my system down. i have the comb, and the paper towel to swipe the bugs on, and the bowl of water to dip the comb in and i'm combing and swiping and dipping. sean is helping from afar by handling dinner and lunches and homework. we are a team when it comes to lice. TEAM LICE. i get the bugs, he does everything else. and by everything else, i mean being my personal slave boy so i'm all, 'sean, take this comb and this brush and put it in water to soak' because in case you don't know LICE 101, lice don't drown for like 4 hours and at this point i feel super confident because i totally know what i'm doing. we got this.
so i take the bowl into the kitchen, and i throw away the towels and i scratch my head because when you're dealing with lice your head itches like all the time and then i pop alex upstairs to the shower and my dear husband is heating up leftovers and it's only 7:45 we are so on top of this night. only 15 minutes til bedtime and all we need to do is eat dinner, have alex do her homework practice her violin, and do 30 minutes of reading. i mean, STOKE right?
so we rush the shower, and race downstairs and we've got hot steak and risotto leftover from last night. I mean, YUM!
this lice day is actually feeling pretty awesome.
so the kids started eating and i'm heaping my plate when i see it.
i see the lice bowl that was used to dip the lice comb in, and that lice bowl that was just housing several dozen dead lice bodies and nits is sitting on the counter half covered in saran wrap filled with last nights steak.
i gag, like FOR REAL GAG. and scream at the kids to spit out their steak and i'm all 'SEAN, where did you get this bowl' and he's all 'it was on the counter' and i'm all, 'did you wash it???' he's all ' it looked clean to me' and i'm panicking 'this is the bowl i used to wash the lice in' and then OMG expletive expletive, dinner is ruined, our life sucks, things were so awesome a minute ago but right now i want to die because we just fed our kids steak a la lice carcasses and then i see it. i see my brushes and combs bobbing in a pot full of last nights pasta water.
what do you do when it comes for you?
for weeks, i've been pumping my family full of vitamins. like clockwork they all open their mouths twice a day and semi willingly accept the gummies. vitamin D, C, Echinacea, Zinc, and my new obsession ElderBerry Syrup. the kids love it, because they taste good. sean, is probably drawing up divorce papers as i type because i'm quite sure..if he could change one thing about me it might be my mild case of hypochondrism and i say mild but really mean annoyingly extreme.
we made it thru our vacation which was my biggest worry. we were all healthy as horses on our week long super amazing and fun trip to disneyworld, epcot and universal studios. someday soon, i'll post about it because it deserves more than an 'i'm sick and bored' post. miraculously, it's also not close week at work which is typically when i get sick because you know...why ever make it easy?
so here i am, despite all efforts. SICK.
what does one do when they've fallen ill? i mean, after they've sufficiently felt sorry for themselves and whined, and gone over ALL the things they should be doing instead of laying on their couch that is surrounded by laundry and kids homwork? where your work computer, tucked halfway under the couch is burning red daggers into your pounding head? you attempt to lift your body and be productive, that's what you do. and you fall back down because your body feels like it's been fed thru a meat grinder and you wince and roll over and you reflect.
you reflect on the last couple of weeks that feel like a blur but also a marathon and you wonder exactly when you have laid down like this during the day. or ever really. because these days, you think you might actually fall asleep before hitting the pillow and laying down is just something that you assume happens between that zombie walk to bed and the beep of the alarm clock.
it's no wonder you fall ill. sometimes i think it's just something that happens to make you stop. to make you sleep. to make you take care of yourself for once.
so for two days i reflected. i also watched a lot of tv. i also realized how really truly annoying my dog was when i found my aching body struggling to make room for him on the couch and worried as i tossed and turned i would interrupt his precious sleep. i also realized as i tried to nap (which i'm terrible at) that my dog will pace and whine each and every time a passerby walks by our house. and also when the mailman comes. and also when the garbage man comes. and also when it rains. or there is wind. or just because it's thursday at 10am.
i also realized how truly dependent i am on routine. and that i'm actually uncomfortable with the act of not doing 20 things at once. there is very little time in my life un-planned. or where there is just one task at hand. where I don't know exactly where I will be and what i will be doing and when. it's mostly the same every day. the time i get up, when i leave the house, the commute, the work, the commute home, the evening routine with kids. i could do it with my eyes closed. i probably mostly do. a zombie would do well with this routine. same thing, over and over. stumbling, arms out-stretched, trying not to drop a ball...and surviving.
so there was something refreshing about falling ill. it's like, what ever will i be doing at 2:17 this afternoon. NOBODY KNOWS. i could be laying here on the couch on my left side, or maybe my right! i could be standing in front of the fridge with no real appetite but knowing i should eat something. i could be fumbling thru magazines, or sleeping! SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! it's amazing what a little ambiguity will do for the soul.
what i found myself doing after i'd watched a season and a half of 'meet the midwife', two average movies on amazon prime, and ellen, while intermittently taking 17 cat naps was blogging. so stay tuned, because unfortunately i'm feeling better and have to go back to work but i wrote two halfway blogs. maybe i'll get a massive cold/sinus infection soon and i can finish.
we can hope.
we made it thru our vacation which was my biggest worry. we were all healthy as horses on our week long super amazing and fun trip to disneyworld, epcot and universal studios. someday soon, i'll post about it because it deserves more than an 'i'm sick and bored' post. miraculously, it's also not close week at work which is typically when i get sick because you know...why ever make it easy?
so here i am, despite all efforts. SICK.
what does one do when they've fallen ill? i mean, after they've sufficiently felt sorry for themselves and whined, and gone over ALL the things they should be doing instead of laying on their couch that is surrounded by laundry and kids homwork? where your work computer, tucked halfway under the couch is burning red daggers into your pounding head? you attempt to lift your body and be productive, that's what you do. and you fall back down because your body feels like it's been fed thru a meat grinder and you wince and roll over and you reflect.
you reflect on the last couple of weeks that feel like a blur but also a marathon and you wonder exactly when you have laid down like this during the day. or ever really. because these days, you think you might actually fall asleep before hitting the pillow and laying down is just something that you assume happens between that zombie walk to bed and the beep of the alarm clock.
it's no wonder you fall ill. sometimes i think it's just something that happens to make you stop. to make you sleep. to make you take care of yourself for once.
so for two days i reflected. i also watched a lot of tv. i also realized how really truly annoying my dog was when i found my aching body struggling to make room for him on the couch and worried as i tossed and turned i would interrupt his precious sleep. i also realized as i tried to nap (which i'm terrible at) that my dog will pace and whine each and every time a passerby walks by our house. and also when the mailman comes. and also when the garbage man comes. and also when it rains. or there is wind. or just because it's thursday at 10am.
i also realized how truly dependent i am on routine. and that i'm actually uncomfortable with the act of not doing 20 things at once. there is very little time in my life un-planned. or where there is just one task at hand. where I don't know exactly where I will be and what i will be doing and when. it's mostly the same every day. the time i get up, when i leave the house, the commute, the work, the commute home, the evening routine with kids. i could do it with my eyes closed. i probably mostly do. a zombie would do well with this routine. same thing, over and over. stumbling, arms out-stretched, trying not to drop a ball...and surviving.
so there was something refreshing about falling ill. it's like, what ever will i be doing at 2:17 this afternoon. NOBODY KNOWS. i could be laying here on the couch on my left side, or maybe my right! i could be standing in front of the fridge with no real appetite but knowing i should eat something. i could be fumbling thru magazines, or sleeping! SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! it's amazing what a little ambiguity will do for the soul.
what i found myself doing after i'd watched a season and a half of 'meet the midwife', two average movies on amazon prime, and ellen, while intermittently taking 17 cat naps was blogging. so stay tuned, because unfortunately i'm feeling better and have to go back to work but i wrote two halfway blogs. maybe i'll get a massive cold/sinus infection soon and i can finish.
we can hope.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
the little big things
i haven't blogged in months. and months. and life is flying by and there are all these moments i think 'i should blog this', and 'this is worth remembering'. but there is something also to be said about just living life and being in the moment without the pressure of documentation. i'm horrible at it. i like to photograph it and see it all thru a lens so later I can see it in a frame. i like to write it all down, so one day my kids (when they are off having their own babies) can see their childhood from my perspective and maybe it will help them. just a little.
so that's what i've been off doing. living this awesome life. it's a crazy busy life. and sometimes feels too much, but it's just a whole lot of good being squished into too little time.
today was the first day of 2nd and 4th grade for my not so littles. and after weeks of prep and planning to tackle yet another school year with all the right supplies, and the sports calendar figured out, and the logistics of two full time jobs and two more than full time kids, and soccer and work commitments, my amazing hubs texted me this:
and for this momma...who spelled 'school' wrong yesterday, and showed up to work today with my belt all twisted up and mascara on just one eye this means the world. because even tho I REALLY DON'T HAVE IT TOGETHER, someone thinks I kinda do. so i'm saving this one. because it's such a little thing, but oh so big to me.
i really couldn't want for anything more in my life than this guy, and these two.
so that's what i've been off doing. living this awesome life. it's a crazy busy life. and sometimes feels too much, but it's just a whole lot of good being squished into too little time.
today was the first day of 2nd and 4th grade for my not so littles. and after weeks of prep and planning to tackle yet another school year with all the right supplies, and the sports calendar figured out, and the logistics of two full time jobs and two more than full time kids, and soccer and work commitments, my amazing hubs texted me this:
i really couldn't want for anything more in my life than this guy, and these two.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
laundry room: super sneak peak (if i showed you more you'd be horrified)
back in july, we sold our completely finished labor of love. a house i cried when we moved into. and i cried the day we moved out. BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS that house. the day we moved in, we turned the key, stepped in and what we found was pure filth. dog hair littered the floor, the fridge was DISgusting, whoever had painted it must have been blind, it had green carpeting, lime and purple walls and it was ALL ours.
we spent the next 6 years transforming it. room by room. every bit of it we did ourselves. we painted every ceiling, every wall, every moulding and door. we installed new hardware, new floors, new fixtures, new sinks and faucets, tile, countertops, you name it. most of it i did while pregnant with ian, and the rest i did on my maternity leave.
sean would come home to find me teetering on ladders, standing on my tip toes and he would laugh probably silently judging my psychotic obsession.
people that know me, know that i do this because i like it to look nice yes, but mostly because this sort of work is like therapy to me. transforming ugly into not is actually therapeutic and fills me.
in july we bought another complete project. starting anew for some more space and here we are again and i'm standing in what feels like the pits of hell starting all over. on an uneven subfloor, scraping wallpaper paste for probably the 18th hour. therapy, this does not feel like.
two weeks ago, when i thought i couldn't take on anymore i did what any normal (psycho) would do and started a project that was much bigger than I imagined. i peeled up a corner of the torn and stained linoleum thinking 'subfloor' would look better than this. but no, it doesn't.
and so begins the transformation of the laundry room/mud room.
people keep asking me, why that room? when your kitchen is so uh....brady bunch. and your bathrooms are so uh...1980. but this is our everything room. it's where we come and go, it's where i live sorting and folding laundry, it's where our shoes and coats and cleaning supplies and tools are. i feel like if this room was clean and done and organized i will feel so too.
people that know me also know, this will not satisfy me for long.
this room has been so physically and emotionally challenging so far. tears have been shed. sean HAS found me a crumpled heap in the corner, my right hand sore and swollen from scraping. OH THE SCRAPING. whoever applied this wallpaper 35 years ago, please show yourself. I'd like to have a little chat.
i did what i swore i would never again do and that's to paint the cabinets myself, and after a week of doors laying all over the house i've successfully primed, primed, painted and painted, each side of 12 doors. this is happening.
here we go again.
we spent the next 6 years transforming it. room by room. every bit of it we did ourselves. we painted every ceiling, every wall, every moulding and door. we installed new hardware, new floors, new fixtures, new sinks and faucets, tile, countertops, you name it. most of it i did while pregnant with ian, and the rest i did on my maternity leave.
sean would come home to find me teetering on ladders, standing on my tip toes and he would laugh probably silently judging my psychotic obsession.
people that know me, know that i do this because i like it to look nice yes, but mostly because this sort of work is like therapy to me. transforming ugly into not is actually therapeutic and fills me.
in july we bought another complete project. starting anew for some more space and here we are again and i'm standing in what feels like the pits of hell starting all over. on an uneven subfloor, scraping wallpaper paste for probably the 18th hour. therapy, this does not feel like.
two weeks ago, when i thought i couldn't take on anymore i did what any normal (psycho) would do and started a project that was much bigger than I imagined. i peeled up a corner of the torn and stained linoleum thinking 'subfloor' would look better than this. but no, it doesn't.
and so begins the transformation of the laundry room/mud room.
people keep asking me, why that room? when your kitchen is so uh....brady bunch. and your bathrooms are so uh...1980. but this is our everything room. it's where we come and go, it's where i live sorting and folding laundry, it's where our shoes and coats and cleaning supplies and tools are. i feel like if this room was clean and done and organized i will feel so too.
people that know me also know, this will not satisfy me for long.
this room has been so physically and emotionally challenging so far. tears have been shed. sean HAS found me a crumpled heap in the corner, my right hand sore and swollen from scraping. OH THE SCRAPING. whoever applied this wallpaper 35 years ago, please show yourself. I'd like to have a little chat.
i did what i swore i would never again do and that's to paint the cabinets myself, and after a week of doors laying all over the house i've successfully primed, primed, painted and painted, each side of 12 doors. this is happening.
here we go again.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
i am NOT going to work tomorrow
my aunt had surgery today. torn rotator cuff and some ligament situation. so i called to check in on her. she's more like a sister to me. she's only got 5 years on me and you know...we grew up together. she was the one always stealing all my good barbie clothes and tricking me into having the ratty haired barbies and the less cool corvette. after a few good laughs about her 'dead' arm which she accidentally sat on and then thought it was the remote because it is COMPLETELY NUMB and will be numb until tomorrow when it 'wakes up' and puts her into what her doctor said would be 'excruciating pain'. i told her my day was obviously just as bad because my tights kept rolling down and causing saggy crotch. i mean, totally up there with shoulder surgery. we laughed again. my auntie is my rock. she's one of those women that i think about when i'm having a rough day. she keeps me going. i always know i can do it, because she could do it. she's strong, and brave and damn...she's funny. so i needed to hear her voice and gut laugh with her. and that we did.
i didn't tell her this, because she just well...had surgery but i was teetering on the brink of sanity and she without even knowing it pulled me back over the line. god, i love her. when she asked how it was going i simply said, 'it's been busy. you know, i'm a single working mom A LOT' and she's been a single working mom...a lot. so she get's it. and she said to me, 'well honey? you've got about 10 more years of this so just...persevere. and i'm not sure what made us laugh so hard about that, but we did to the point of tears because there really is nothing to say. working and parenting and all of that is just hard. but you just keep going. PERSEVERE!
so in the spirit of persevering, i just decided i'm not going to work tomorrow. i can probably count on one hand how many times i've just sort of played hooky or taken an un planned day off in 13 years.
today, shit kind of hit the fan. i feel like i've been semi keeping the balls in the air but today they all fell down and rolled around the kitchen floor. it's been building all week. escalated yesterday when alex told me that when i help her with her geometry, she always get's it wrong and then ian told me i needed to lose 70 lbs. so you can imagine, i'm just not feeling competent or confident in any aspect of my life.
today, i received probably 10 non work related emails today that pushed me so far over the top in things i needed to do. then, i spent my hour of 'get shit done' at night searching for ian's reading homework book, and then that little thing happened that pushes you over the edge. i ran out of milk. again, right up there with shoulder surgery and imminent excruciating pain. right? no.
sometimes, i just have to take a day off of work to do EVERYTHING ELSE. so here is what i'm gonna do tomorrow instead of 'working'.
1. submit girl scout cookie order
2. return library book that is now 3 weeks over due. bring money you pretty much have to pay for the whole book.
3. take immunization records to school (this has been on the list for 3 weeks) and the office lady is on my tail
4. mail toilet rebate (because we finally crossed 'buy working toilets' off the list)
5. return shoes you shouldn't have bought
6. return food processor you got for sean to make salsa, but he doesn't like it
7. turn in school auction donation money, pick up family basket information, pick up vendor call list, sign up for volunteer slots
8. alex needs two paper sacks for her music performance costumes
9. figure out when to volunteer for that
10. alex's book battles are coming up, find flashcards and practice them with her
11. ian's teacher needs us to send 'mona lisa' pictures back to school
12. call bank for car title
13. water bill passed due, setup online payment
14. email rsvp for girl scout retreat
15. email rsvp for father daughter dance
16. sign ian up for baseball
17. call simon's mom back, play date request
18. send in rental form for family weekend on mountain
19. print label and return amazon cabinet hinges. the two sets of wrong ones.
20. do all laundry because we need to pull washer/dryer out on saturday.
21. buy food, you have none.
22. ian's 4 sweatshirts and 1 coat are missing. not in lost and found. figure out how to attach them to his person permanently.
23. something is wrong with dog, take him to vet. foreign growth on paw. SWEET.
24. mail the rest of donna's christmas gift
25. make ian's 5 year check up appointment (note: he's 6)
26. make alex's 7 year old check up (note: she's 8)
27. FLU SHOTS
28. remember when anybody in your family last went to the dentist.
29. call gma, you missed her birthday.
30. call your aunt, and check in again. try to make her laugh while she's in excruciating pain with something clever and witty.
31. think of something clever and witty.
i didn't tell her this, because she just well...had surgery but i was teetering on the brink of sanity and she without even knowing it pulled me back over the line. god, i love her. when she asked how it was going i simply said, 'it's been busy. you know, i'm a single working mom A LOT' and she's been a single working mom...a lot. so she get's it. and she said to me, 'well honey? you've got about 10 more years of this so just...persevere. and i'm not sure what made us laugh so hard about that, but we did to the point of tears because there really is nothing to say. working and parenting and all of that is just hard. but you just keep going. PERSEVERE!
so in the spirit of persevering, i just decided i'm not going to work tomorrow. i can probably count on one hand how many times i've just sort of played hooky or taken an un planned day off in 13 years.
today, shit kind of hit the fan. i feel like i've been semi keeping the balls in the air but today they all fell down and rolled around the kitchen floor. it's been building all week. escalated yesterday when alex told me that when i help her with her geometry, she always get's it wrong and then ian told me i needed to lose 70 lbs. so you can imagine, i'm just not feeling competent or confident in any aspect of my life.
today, i received probably 10 non work related emails today that pushed me so far over the top in things i needed to do. then, i spent my hour of 'get shit done' at night searching for ian's reading homework book, and then that little thing happened that pushes you over the edge. i ran out of milk. again, right up there with shoulder surgery and imminent excruciating pain. right? no.
sometimes, i just have to take a day off of work to do EVERYTHING ELSE. so here is what i'm gonna do tomorrow instead of 'working'.
1. submit girl scout cookie order
2. return library book that is now 3 weeks over due. bring money you pretty much have to pay for the whole book.
3. take immunization records to school (this has been on the list for 3 weeks) and the office lady is on my tail
4. mail toilet rebate (because we finally crossed 'buy working toilets' off the list)
5. return shoes you shouldn't have bought
6. return food processor you got for sean to make salsa, but he doesn't like it
7. turn in school auction donation money, pick up family basket information, pick up vendor call list, sign up for volunteer slots
8. alex needs two paper sacks for her music performance costumes
9. figure out when to volunteer for that
10. alex's book battles are coming up, find flashcards and practice them with her
11. ian's teacher needs us to send 'mona lisa' pictures back to school
12. call bank for car title
13. water bill passed due, setup online payment
14. email rsvp for girl scout retreat
15. email rsvp for father daughter dance
16. sign ian up for baseball
17. call simon's mom back, play date request
18. send in rental form for family weekend on mountain
19. print label and return amazon cabinet hinges. the two sets of wrong ones.
20. do all laundry because we need to pull washer/dryer out on saturday.
21. buy food, you have none.
22. ian's 4 sweatshirts and 1 coat are missing. not in lost and found. figure out how to attach them to his person permanently.
23. something is wrong with dog, take him to vet. foreign growth on paw. SWEET.
24. mail the rest of donna's christmas gift
25. make ian's 5 year check up appointment (note: he's 6)
26. make alex's 7 year old check up (note: she's 8)
27. FLU SHOTS
28. remember when anybody in your family last went to the dentist.
29. call gma, you missed her birthday.
30. call your aunt, and check in again. try to make her laugh while she's in excruciating pain with something clever and witty.
31. think of something clever and witty.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
pulling teeth
ian.
this child is an interesting fellow. just this week, sean and i looked across the room at each other after he'd done or said something so odd and did that thing we do when ian does something so odd (which is a lot) and we shook our heads and smirked at each other. both aware that we made him. and that our weirdness combined, made him. 'we are responsible for that' and we laugh.
he typically comes into the house like a whirlwind. kicking both shoes off in different directions and then stripping down to his underwear. if we are at home, it's all he's got on. otherwise, he's too hot. and the guy is ripped right now. he's super lean (the total opposite of 2 yr old ian) and he's got a 6 pack. it's weird. but, it matches his personality.
tonight, it was like pulling teeth to get ian to do his reading homework. and i say this because even getting him to lose his teeth, is like pulling teeth (i have to do it). the two teeth he's lost, I YANKED OUT because he can't be bothered with dangly bleeding chicklets. i digress.
ahem...tonight, we were painstakingly getting thru his reading homework while he giggled and laughed and failed to sound the words out. see, he'd rather make up sentences that sorta kinda go along with the picture. i was tired and done and ready for bed myself and with sean in DC and alex yelling from the other room that it was her turn i sorta kinda lost it.
'IAN, buddy. you need to focus. you know if you don't practice and take this seriously and learn to read you can't do much of anything in life'
'well sure i can mom, i don't need to read for anything. reading is not my thing math is. and basketball'.
'oh really? you need to know how to read to work and drive and well to READ. don't you want to read the paper? a book? road signs? subtitles on really cool foreign movies? what if you get lost, and need to read a map, or what about sports illustrated. dad reads that to play his fantasy football. what about that?'
'no'
'how are you gonna earn money to pay for food and shelter and clothes and fun stuff?'
'i'll just save up my christmas money for like 20 years'
'that's not enough sweetie, that will last you about 9 seconds and one lego toy set'
'well i'll just get a card'
'well, you have to have money in the bank to have a card'
'well, i'll just get married!'
'hahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA'
'LET'S TRY AGAIN EH, BUDDY?'
this child is an interesting fellow. just this week, sean and i looked across the room at each other after he'd done or said something so odd and did that thing we do when ian does something so odd (which is a lot) and we shook our heads and smirked at each other. both aware that we made him. and that our weirdness combined, made him. 'we are responsible for that' and we laugh.
he typically comes into the house like a whirlwind. kicking both shoes off in different directions and then stripping down to his underwear. if we are at home, it's all he's got on. otherwise, he's too hot. and the guy is ripped right now. he's super lean (the total opposite of 2 yr old ian) and he's got a 6 pack. it's weird. but, it matches his personality.
tonight, it was like pulling teeth to get ian to do his reading homework. and i say this because even getting him to lose his teeth, is like pulling teeth (i have to do it). the two teeth he's lost, I YANKED OUT because he can't be bothered with dangly bleeding chicklets. i digress.
ahem...tonight, we were painstakingly getting thru his reading homework while he giggled and laughed and failed to sound the words out. see, he'd rather make up sentences that sorta kinda go along with the picture. i was tired and done and ready for bed myself and with sean in DC and alex yelling from the other room that it was her turn i sorta kinda lost it.
'IAN, buddy. you need to focus. you know if you don't practice and take this seriously and learn to read you can't do much of anything in life'
'well sure i can mom, i don't need to read for anything. reading is not my thing math is. and basketball'.
'oh really? you need to know how to read to work and drive and well to READ. don't you want to read the paper? a book? road signs? subtitles on really cool foreign movies? what if you get lost, and need to read a map, or what about sports illustrated. dad reads that to play his fantasy football. what about that?'
'no'
'how are you gonna earn money to pay for food and shelter and clothes and fun stuff?'
'i'll just save up my christmas money for like 20 years'
'that's not enough sweetie, that will last you about 9 seconds and one lego toy set'
'well i'll just get a card'
'well, you have to have money in the bank to have a card'
'well, i'll just get married!'
'hahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA'
'LET'S TRY AGAIN EH, BUDDY?'
Monday, January 13, 2014
High Low
you know that card game? high low? you're dealt a card and you have to choose if the next card will be higher or lower? i love that game. it's a game of chance, and prediction. there is strategy to it, but really you get what you get. i firmly believe that all people are essentially dealt different cards in life. and it's a complete cliche, but it's what you do with them that matters.
when the kids got old enough, we started playing 'high low' at the dinner table. not with cards, but with the events of the day. 'what was your high?' and 'what was your low?' it gave us a glimpse into their day and after some urging, we'd have them ask us the same questions. we don't have nearly enough time on a weekday to catch up, and sometimes i feel very disconnected from sean and the kids M-F but this game can keep us in tune with the best and worst of our happenings.
our life feels like one big high/low game right now. and i guess that's a good thing. you need low's to appreciate those high's, and vice versa. perspective. appreciation. empathy for others. it all comes from your experiences and how you perceive them. how you get thru them, and what you learn from them. i think sean and i are battling one of those times in our life where one day we will look back and say 'remember that time? that was hard'. it's nothing life threatening. everyone is healthy. things are just busy. we are stretched thin, our work life balance is not where it should be. i keep calling 'high' and the cards keeping coming in 'low'. does it mean we are unhappy? no, we are just tiiiiiiiiiiiired.
sean's job is busy. if i really added up how many hours he works in a week, i don't know. i'd lose count. he's just working so hard, and watching him is tiring. he's gone many evenings, and even when he's home? he goes back to work when i drag myself up to bed. i don't know how he does it. because all but one week a month, i work a relatively normal work schedule and i feel spent. and naturally, some of the tasks we used to share i try to pick up on my own. and i'm growing tired of the ground hogs day routine. get up, drop off kids, go to work, pick up kids, go home, make dinner, do homework, give showers, read to kids, say good night, clean up massive mess that just occurred from all of that, go to bed, wake up. repeat.
but thru this, i can always dig inside and find that high and low.
today my low was ian telling me i had about 70 lbs to lose. the guy has been joining me in some evening workout dvd time which is HILARIOUS and humbling because he kicks my ass in pretty much every drill and doesn't break a sweat. meanwhile, i'm stopping for water while he mocks me AND tells me to 'keep going mom!'. once, he said 'mom i can actually SEE your legs getting smaller'.
my high? it's a toss up. it might have been my dead quiet commute home. i've been getting in the habit of turning the radio off, and today my phone just happened to have died so i didn't hear a single call or text. and it was an hour of pure silence. a gift. just me and the open road (or the parking lot that is hwy 217). so it was either that, or these 15 minutes i've spent writing. because writing and painting (walls not canvas) are my therapy. and these days, i need all i can get.
speaking of therapy. and painting. coming soon, maybe a mid process laundry room / mudroom update. i've all but demolished the wallpaper laden sheetrock and we've torn up the linoleum floor. i'm 2 seconds (or two weeks) from completing the cabinets...it's looking like the house was set fire back there, but i can see it's future and it's breathtaking.
when the kids got old enough, we started playing 'high low' at the dinner table. not with cards, but with the events of the day. 'what was your high?' and 'what was your low?' it gave us a glimpse into their day and after some urging, we'd have them ask us the same questions. we don't have nearly enough time on a weekday to catch up, and sometimes i feel very disconnected from sean and the kids M-F but this game can keep us in tune with the best and worst of our happenings.
our life feels like one big high/low game right now. and i guess that's a good thing. you need low's to appreciate those high's, and vice versa. perspective. appreciation. empathy for others. it all comes from your experiences and how you perceive them. how you get thru them, and what you learn from them. i think sean and i are battling one of those times in our life where one day we will look back and say 'remember that time? that was hard'. it's nothing life threatening. everyone is healthy. things are just busy. we are stretched thin, our work life balance is not where it should be. i keep calling 'high' and the cards keeping coming in 'low'. does it mean we are unhappy? no, we are just tiiiiiiiiiiiired.
sean's job is busy. if i really added up how many hours he works in a week, i don't know. i'd lose count. he's just working so hard, and watching him is tiring. he's gone many evenings, and even when he's home? he goes back to work when i drag myself up to bed. i don't know how he does it. because all but one week a month, i work a relatively normal work schedule and i feel spent. and naturally, some of the tasks we used to share i try to pick up on my own. and i'm growing tired of the ground hogs day routine. get up, drop off kids, go to work, pick up kids, go home, make dinner, do homework, give showers, read to kids, say good night, clean up massive mess that just occurred from all of that, go to bed, wake up. repeat.
but thru this, i can always dig inside and find that high and low.
today my low was ian telling me i had about 70 lbs to lose. the guy has been joining me in some evening workout dvd time which is HILARIOUS and humbling because he kicks my ass in pretty much every drill and doesn't break a sweat. meanwhile, i'm stopping for water while he mocks me AND tells me to 'keep going mom!'. once, he said 'mom i can actually SEE your legs getting smaller'.
my high? it's a toss up. it might have been my dead quiet commute home. i've been getting in the habit of turning the radio off, and today my phone just happened to have died so i didn't hear a single call or text. and it was an hour of pure silence. a gift. just me and the open road (or the parking lot that is hwy 217). so it was either that, or these 15 minutes i've spent writing. because writing and painting (walls not canvas) are my therapy. and these days, i need all i can get.
speaking of therapy. and painting. coming soon, maybe a mid process laundry room / mudroom update. i've all but demolished the wallpaper laden sheetrock and we've torn up the linoleum floor. i'm 2 seconds (or two weeks) from completing the cabinets...it's looking like the house was set fire back there, but i can see it's future and it's breathtaking.
Monday, January 6, 2014
good intentions
i wish the mantra 'it's the thought that counts' applied to exercise. i wish that just the intention of working out, taking time for yourself, and putting yourself first gave you the results you wanted.
but no.
this morning, before i left for work, i threw some clothes and my gym shoes into a bag with the intent of going to the gym at lunch. all part of my 'happy new year' get my butt back to the gym or buy all new jeans plan. but i ended up leaving the house at 7, the time i should have been AT work to warrant a long lunch and when the back to work and back to school traffic turned my normally half hour commute into an hour...i knew there was no lunch work out in store for me.
so at that point, i spent the rest of the day catching up from christmas vacation and psyching myself up for an online barre3 class later that evening.
and at 5:00 when i left the office with a raging headache, i was still fully prepared to do this. it was happening. i pick the kids up at 6, head home, make them dinner, get their homework started, and i'm still prepared to take this damn class.
it's 7:15 and i have 45 minutes until 8 which is the time of day my body straight shuts down and needs to stop moving and thinking and doing anything it doesn't want to do so i have just 45 minutes and the clock is ticking. and alex needs to practice her recorder, and ian is over-tired and doing what he does when he's over-tired and talking about how much he misses his great pop-pop. and he reminds me how i've promised him a picture of great pop-pop and i never follow thru on my promises. and when sean tries to put the kids to bed for me so i can do this damn video alex melts down that i never tuck them in which is a lie. such a terrible lie, but the guilt tugs.
i've been away from them all day, and i have these two hours and how dare i take 40 minutes of that time and do something for me and my busted out jeans.
and i keep plugging. i made a promise to myself and so i setup the computer and spend 30 minutes looking for my hand weights and the barre3 ball and i find one weight. and i start to un-ravel because honest to god i feel like all i do is look for things and the walls of my house start closing in. and the pile of dishes, and laundry that needs putting away, and i try to do the video anyway because at this point i'm hard core doing this no matter what. and ian is fighting bed upstairs, and alex is blowing into her recorder and i can't hear the video and then the part comes where you have to use the ball and it's 7:54 and both kids are crying and i'm so tired and my head throbs on. and so i do what you do when the world is falling down around you.
i slam the computer down and cry for 10 minutes because no matter how hard i try. and i tried hard. making exercise a priority is near impossible and i'm angry.
if only being angry burned calories. and it's the angry that happens when you've only eaten 1200 calories because that's all i can eat when i don't exercise. so off to bed i go. tomorrow i get up an hour earlier. and i try again.
but no.
this morning, before i left for work, i threw some clothes and my gym shoes into a bag with the intent of going to the gym at lunch. all part of my 'happy new year' get my butt back to the gym or buy all new jeans plan. but i ended up leaving the house at 7, the time i should have been AT work to warrant a long lunch and when the back to work and back to school traffic turned my normally half hour commute into an hour...i knew there was no lunch work out in store for me.
so at that point, i spent the rest of the day catching up from christmas vacation and psyching myself up for an online barre3 class later that evening.
and at 5:00 when i left the office with a raging headache, i was still fully prepared to do this. it was happening. i pick the kids up at 6, head home, make them dinner, get their homework started, and i'm still prepared to take this damn class.
it's 7:15 and i have 45 minutes until 8 which is the time of day my body straight shuts down and needs to stop moving and thinking and doing anything it doesn't want to do so i have just 45 minutes and the clock is ticking. and alex needs to practice her recorder, and ian is over-tired and doing what he does when he's over-tired and talking about how much he misses his great pop-pop. and he reminds me how i've promised him a picture of great pop-pop and i never follow thru on my promises. and when sean tries to put the kids to bed for me so i can do this damn video alex melts down that i never tuck them in which is a lie. such a terrible lie, but the guilt tugs.
i've been away from them all day, and i have these two hours and how dare i take 40 minutes of that time and do something for me and my busted out jeans.
and i keep plugging. i made a promise to myself and so i setup the computer and spend 30 minutes looking for my hand weights and the barre3 ball and i find one weight. and i start to un-ravel because honest to god i feel like all i do is look for things and the walls of my house start closing in. and the pile of dishes, and laundry that needs putting away, and i try to do the video anyway because at this point i'm hard core doing this no matter what. and ian is fighting bed upstairs, and alex is blowing into her recorder and i can't hear the video and then the part comes where you have to use the ball and it's 7:54 and both kids are crying and i'm so tired and my head throbs on. and so i do what you do when the world is falling down around you.
i slam the computer down and cry for 10 minutes because no matter how hard i try. and i tried hard. making exercise a priority is near impossible and i'm angry.
if only being angry burned calories. and it's the angry that happens when you've only eaten 1200 calories because that's all i can eat when i don't exercise. so off to bed i go. tomorrow i get up an hour earlier. and i try again.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
crazyville
sometimes, i think i might be going crazy. like, i even have visions of seeing my own face on the news of that mom that finally cracked. because you see...i know what my brain is thinking all the time. sean can sometimes tell when he see's that slightly crazed look in my eyes or if i start storming around the house with obvious ADD half doing the million things that need to be done and huffing and puffing and sweating a little.
sean is one super amazing guy to not judge me. at least not out loud and to my face. i wonder often, what goes on in his brain sometimes.
i digress.
this morning (like most mornings and the reason i haven't slept in in FOREVER) my brain ticked on before the alarm.
and what it thought in roughly the span of 16 seconds was this:
i forgot to get the kids teachers a christmas treat and i have one more day-but i have a work thing til 9pm and can't do it-talk to sean about doing it-also talk to sean about picking up kids thursday since i have a work thing til 9pm-WORK make sure to get two weeks of work done in 1.5 days before vacation-oops, food drive, clothing drive, book bank donation $-did i remember to move the elf last night?-i have a christmas card left to mail but am short a stamp-i need dish soap-and body wash-and alex has no pants-we are late on a bank payment it's not showing up online-still need to call kids doctor for immunization records SCHOOL WILL MAKE THEM STAY HOME IF YOU DON'T-DOCTORS, they are both past due for well visits and dentists-me too!-need to return nike stuff-deposit check-omg we sold sean's car need to find a new one-girls scouts saturday need alex's uniform and baked good-CLOTHES! omg the clothes have been molding in the washer for 3 days-remember to ask dad about washer/think the drum is off center-need wrapping paper and tape-should i have carpets cleaned before or after christmas-CHRISTMAS...need a ham and to email family on what to bring-clean house-wash serving platters-napkins?-table setting ideas-my tree is still crooked-mail packages SERIOUSLY MAIL THE PACKAGES to east coast-return tile samples to lowe's-figure out what house poject to do over break-out of paint brushes, need wallpaper scraper, return home depot cabinet knobs, order cabinet knobs-laundry room floor needs cleaning real bad think the ant trap spilled goo-bonus room hasn't been vacuumed since we moved in-need more ant spray-figure out what animal is living in wall next to our bedroom-kill animal that is living in wall next to bedroom-email sean's mom back-organize desk in kitchen it's atrocious-wrap gifts-wrap everyone else's gifts who sent via amazon-need wrapping paper-already said that-ALARM RINGING PUSH SNOOZE still more things to do-email alex's book battle club parents back/arrange meeting-remind alex to read her book-alex wants a christmas break play date-ashley asked her to church/text her mom back-ian haircut-sean haircut-sean's last check stub erased vacation hours, did he figure that out?-what to get sean for christmas-forgot to give donation money for ian's school party-email his teacher i can't volunteer for his school party/must work-make it up to ian because i promised-stop making promises-order pictures-get frame for print in living room-does the tree have water? i moved the elf, I MOVED THE ELF!-has sean practiced her recorder i think she's tested tomorrow, did i say sean? i mean alex-wow, not sure we've returned library books and movies-or kids school library books-do the laundry and make sure the dirty clothes the kids threw on the clean bin get moved to dirty bin-take your vitamins and stop wondering why your so tired-anemia is gonna ruin your break-find car title-organize office papers-buy a small safe for our important docs-do we still have that shredder?-work out, it's been a year-close gym membership you haven't worked out in a year.
and then i got up, and went to work til 9pm. and guess what went threw my mind the next morning when my brain ticked on.
sean is one super amazing guy to not judge me. at least not out loud and to my face. i wonder often, what goes on in his brain sometimes.
i digress.
this morning (like most mornings and the reason i haven't slept in in FOREVER) my brain ticked on before the alarm.
and what it thought in roughly the span of 16 seconds was this:
i forgot to get the kids teachers a christmas treat and i have one more day-but i have a work thing til 9pm and can't do it-talk to sean about doing it-also talk to sean about picking up kids thursday since i have a work thing til 9pm-WORK make sure to get two weeks of work done in 1.5 days before vacation-oops, food drive, clothing drive, book bank donation $-did i remember to move the elf last night?-i have a christmas card left to mail but am short a stamp-i need dish soap-and body wash-and alex has no pants-we are late on a bank payment it's not showing up online-still need to call kids doctor for immunization records SCHOOL WILL MAKE THEM STAY HOME IF YOU DON'T-DOCTORS, they are both past due for well visits and dentists-me too!-need to return nike stuff-deposit check-omg we sold sean's car need to find a new one-girls scouts saturday need alex's uniform and baked good-CLOTHES! omg the clothes have been molding in the washer for 3 days-remember to ask dad about washer/think the drum is off center-need wrapping paper and tape-should i have carpets cleaned before or after christmas-CHRISTMAS...need a ham and to email family on what to bring-clean house-wash serving platters-napkins?-table setting ideas-my tree is still crooked-mail packages SERIOUSLY MAIL THE PACKAGES to east coast-return tile samples to lowe's-figure out what house poject to do over break-out of paint brushes, need wallpaper scraper, return home depot cabinet knobs, order cabinet knobs-laundry room floor needs cleaning real bad think the ant trap spilled goo-bonus room hasn't been vacuumed since we moved in-need more ant spray-figure out what animal is living in wall next to our bedroom-kill animal that is living in wall next to bedroom-email sean's mom back-organize desk in kitchen it's atrocious-wrap gifts-wrap everyone else's gifts who sent via amazon-need wrapping paper-already said that-ALARM RINGING PUSH SNOOZE still more things to do-email alex's book battle club parents back/arrange meeting-remind alex to read her book-alex wants a christmas break play date-ashley asked her to church/text her mom back-ian haircut-sean haircut-sean's last check stub erased vacation hours, did he figure that out?-what to get sean for christmas-forgot to give donation money for ian's school party-email his teacher i can't volunteer for his school party/must work-make it up to ian because i promised-stop making promises-order pictures-get frame for print in living room-does the tree have water? i moved the elf, I MOVED THE ELF!-has sean practiced her recorder i think she's tested tomorrow, did i say sean? i mean alex-wow, not sure we've returned library books and movies-or kids school library books-do the laundry and make sure the dirty clothes the kids threw on the clean bin get moved to dirty bin-take your vitamins and stop wondering why your so tired-anemia is gonna ruin your break-find car title-organize office papers-buy a small safe for our important docs-do we still have that shredder?-work out, it's been a year-close gym membership you haven't worked out in a year.
and then i got up, and went to work til 9pm. and guess what went threw my mind the next morning when my brain ticked on.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Ian's Room
ian wanted a black room. 'all black mom. floor, ceiling, walls, and all of it'. i shuddered, then i panicked, then i googled child therapy sure that i had a 'goth kid' on my hands. then, i worked with it. i met him in the middle.
literally.
kids rooms are always hard for me. it's like buying them clothes, they won't last forever. they will change, their 'likes' will change. they will grow up. i don't like themes. but i let it go a bit with ian's room. let him have a bit of a say. i'm learning to relinquish control in some areas. because it's exhausting otherwise.
i don't actually have a before pic of ian's room. mostly, because i thought it would be the guest room but we switched it up. but it looked more or less like this:
like all the other rooms in the house. off-white walls, brown trim, yellow'ish ceilings. ridiculously thick carpeting conducive to having kids and a black dog.
photos are a bit blurry because a) the lighting is bad in his room and b) chip licked my camera lens and I need to have it cleaned.
literally.
kids rooms are always hard for me. it's like buying them clothes, they won't last forever. they will change, their 'likes' will change. they will grow up. i don't like themes. but i let it go a bit with ian's room. let him have a bit of a say. i'm learning to relinquish control in some areas. because it's exhausting otherwise.
i don't actually have a before pic of ian's room. mostly, because i thought it would be the guest room but we switched it up. but it looked more or less like this:
like all the other rooms in the house. off-white walls, brown trim, yellow'ish ceilings. ridiculously thick carpeting conducive to having kids and a black dog.
photos are a bit blurry because a) the lighting is bad in his room and b) chip licked my camera lens and I need to have it cleaned.
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| Photo compliments of Christina Gilchrist |
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| Photo compliments of Christina Gilchrist |
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| Photo compliments of Christina Gilchrist |
Monday, November 11, 2013
impromptu & important
last week, my grandma sent out an email that her beach condo was open for veterans day weekend. we haven't been in...i might say years? we used to go quite a bit. but life just seems to somehow get busier, and the kids get more involved in sports and leaving for a weekend seems well, hard.
we decided to hell with hard, and 15 hours later than i'd hoped we hit the road. i must admit, i was a bit grumpy at first. after a long week, i spent my friday night doing laundry and packing and it once again felt like more work than it was worth. but saturday morning, once we were beach bound, those feelings gradually melted away.
there is something so awesome about hitting the road with just our little family. we are on our own time, nobody to answer to but us and every once in a while when life get's busy as it has for us lately... to take the time to reconnect is healing. for me, not being at home is the best way for me to spend quality time with my family unit because there, i notoriously find something to do. whether it be laundry, or some painting project.
so this weekend we played games. we read books. we watched movies. we played football on the grass. we walked and explored on the beach. the kids swam in the pool. we ate out, a lot. there was no 'just a minute's' and 'i'll be right there's' or 'i'll just do this, and then we can's'. it was whatever we felt like doing, exactly when the mood hit us. it's a treat, and something that doesn't happen too much.
it was wonderful. all of it but that one little incident where ian gave alex a bloody nose at 9pm from flailing around in bed. that was not cool. but otherwise, simply lovely.
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| Sean taught the kids how to play cribbage |
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| we were silly |
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| we searched for whales |
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| Sean ran drills with Ian |
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| we found weird things on the beach |
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| we skipped |
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| and got our feet wet |
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| because we were on our own, we had to set the timer for family pictures |
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| sometimes it worked out |
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| and sometimes...it didn't |
we had so much fun, i impromptu took monday off and we stayed another night.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Howlooweeeeeeeeen
halloween is always so much fun. the perfect excuse to throw all caution to the wind, wear weird stuff, eat a lot of garbage, say HELL NO to homework and a chance to pretend to stab your angel sister in the chest and get away with it.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
the game of life
ever since my kids turned 5, i'm consciously aware that they will remember a lot about their lives from here on out. they will remember this piece of their childhood. they will look back one day and associate the kind of person they are and attribute it to what kind of life they had. what their parents were like. how sean and i 'did' as parents. and maybe they will blame us for who they are or who they aren't.
it's a lot of pressure.
and now, in this day and age we have all this technology and visibility into our lives and our friends lives via facebook and twitter and pinterest. we can actually get a glimpse into how other families operate. how other moms throw birthday parties, how other dads coach sports, how other kids dress for school and how they are doing in school. we can see which mom's volunteer in class, which work, which stay at home, which homeschool, who has nannies, and who makes custom signs for their kids to hold in 'first day of school pictures' indicating which grade they are going into.
we look at all these pictures and posts and pinterest pins and we feel like we aren't doing it all. and we can't possibly ever do it all. and i have a suspicion that nobody is really doing it all and please raise your hand if you're actually doing it all. or maybe you don't have time, with all that doing everything. but come on, pinterest is a dreamland amiright? it's where you hold your dream kitchens, your dream yards, dream dinners and dream birthday parties. it's your dream closet right there on the screen. and we see only these glimpses and we judge ourselves against them and feel failure. last week someone pinned a pair of 'frye' boots that i've been drooling over for years. and i thought to myself, 'so and so got those boots! GRRRRR! I want those boots!' but 'so and so' probably didn't get those boots. me thinks they are in her virtual dream closet just like mine.
when i look back on my childhood, albeit i was a child and oblivious to anything that didn't revolve around 'planet carrie' i don't remember my mom feeling this pressure. i don't remember her making me pose to take 15 photos to get that perfect shot she'd post online where all three of us girls were wearing coordinated outfits and smiling and looking at the camera ALL AT THE SAME TIME because she probably knew that that was effort ill spent. i don't remember her caring or feeling pressure that we were in 3 sports while juggling dance and karate. i don't remember her obsessing over what we ate and if it was all organic, and vegan and gluten free and sugar free and void of anything that was, or ever could be harmful 40 years down the road.
and i don't remember my mom telling me 'just a minute' 15 times and hearing her tell me to HURRY UP all day long. i don't remember life being so rushed and busy and chaotic. but, again. 'planet carrie' is probably a lot different from 'planet earth'.
i've been pondering these things as of late and i want my kids to have the same memories i do as a kid. i want them to remember playing outside in the dirt for hours, not being in the car THEIR WHOLE LIFE or being entertained to death and rewarded at over priced pizza places with lame rides for being what should just naturally be expected of them. i want them to remember playing board games with their mom & dad, not mastering candy crush. i want them to remember camping trips, and beach trips, and have those be some of their fondest memories. i want them to have imaginations and creativity and not an over abundance of structured extra curricular activities. i want them to remember their first day of school, not the annoying photo op and argument over what they were wearing that came before. i want them to remember that they were loved, and validated, and nurtured. not obsessed over. i want them to remember a mom that appeared to have enjoyed being a mother as much as they remember loving to be a kid.
the other day, sean and i were texting each other from the same couch. it's ridiculous. but so was the movie we were watching with the kids on family movie night. so we were complaining to each other about how horrible the movie was. so the next night we did family game night instead. and we played 'life'. you know, the game where you have a job and a salary and you buy a house and get married, and have little kids you get to put in your car? i love that game. mostly because i drew a career more awesome than mine and a salary WAY more awesome than mine and it's fun to pretend and live in dreamland for a second.
and it was so fun!
it was so fun to engage with the kids without electronics, and talk to them about jobs and the importance of a salary. we had a real life talk about how the mortgage get's paid, and why mommy and daddy go to work. and we talked about who wanted to get married and who didn't. we talked about how it's okay if ian wants to marry a boy and have only boy kids because he only likes boys and doesn't want girls in his car. we talked about how it's just fine to be a policeman, an artist, a teacher, or a doctor. and i only lost my temper once when ian kept cheating and spinning the dial every time he landed on 1. and we counted money and realized what a math whiz ian is. and we talked about loans and student loans the choice between college and just heading out into the workforce. and i walked away feeling great. and that we for real parented in a fun and educational way and then i posted a picture of family game night on facebook.
it's a lot of pressure.
and now, in this day and age we have all this technology and visibility into our lives and our friends lives via facebook and twitter and pinterest. we can actually get a glimpse into how other families operate. how other moms throw birthday parties, how other dads coach sports, how other kids dress for school and how they are doing in school. we can see which mom's volunteer in class, which work, which stay at home, which homeschool, who has nannies, and who makes custom signs for their kids to hold in 'first day of school pictures' indicating which grade they are going into.
we look at all these pictures and posts and pinterest pins and we feel like we aren't doing it all. and we can't possibly ever do it all. and i have a suspicion that nobody is really doing it all and please raise your hand if you're actually doing it all. or maybe you don't have time, with all that doing everything. but come on, pinterest is a dreamland amiright? it's where you hold your dream kitchens, your dream yards, dream dinners and dream birthday parties. it's your dream closet right there on the screen. and we see only these glimpses and we judge ourselves against them and feel failure. last week someone pinned a pair of 'frye' boots that i've been drooling over for years. and i thought to myself, 'so and so got those boots! GRRRRR! I want those boots!' but 'so and so' probably didn't get those boots. me thinks they are in her virtual dream closet just like mine.
when i look back on my childhood, albeit i was a child and oblivious to anything that didn't revolve around 'planet carrie' i don't remember my mom feeling this pressure. i don't remember her making me pose to take 15 photos to get that perfect shot she'd post online where all three of us girls were wearing coordinated outfits and smiling and looking at the camera ALL AT THE SAME TIME because she probably knew that that was effort ill spent. i don't remember her caring or feeling pressure that we were in 3 sports while juggling dance and karate. i don't remember her obsessing over what we ate and if it was all organic, and vegan and gluten free and sugar free and void of anything that was, or ever could be harmful 40 years down the road.
and i don't remember my mom telling me 'just a minute' 15 times and hearing her tell me to HURRY UP all day long. i don't remember life being so rushed and busy and chaotic. but, again. 'planet carrie' is probably a lot different from 'planet earth'.
i've been pondering these things as of late and i want my kids to have the same memories i do as a kid. i want them to remember playing outside in the dirt for hours, not being in the car THEIR WHOLE LIFE or being entertained to death and rewarded at over priced pizza places with lame rides for being what should just naturally be expected of them. i want them to remember playing board games with their mom & dad, not mastering candy crush. i want them to remember camping trips, and beach trips, and have those be some of their fondest memories. i want them to have imaginations and creativity and not an over abundance of structured extra curricular activities. i want them to remember their first day of school, not the annoying photo op and argument over what they were wearing that came before. i want them to remember that they were loved, and validated, and nurtured. not obsessed over. i want them to remember a mom that appeared to have enjoyed being a mother as much as they remember loving to be a kid.
the other day, sean and i were texting each other from the same couch. it's ridiculous. but so was the movie we were watching with the kids on family movie night. so we were complaining to each other about how horrible the movie was. so the next night we did family game night instead. and we played 'life'. you know, the game where you have a job and a salary and you buy a house and get married, and have little kids you get to put in your car? i love that game. mostly because i drew a career more awesome than mine and a salary WAY more awesome than mine and it's fun to pretend and live in dreamland for a second.
and it was so fun!
it was so fun to engage with the kids without electronics, and talk to them about jobs and the importance of a salary. we had a real life talk about how the mortgage get's paid, and why mommy and daddy go to work. and we talked about who wanted to get married and who didn't. we talked about how it's okay if ian wants to marry a boy and have only boy kids because he only likes boys and doesn't want girls in his car. we talked about how it's just fine to be a policeman, an artist, a teacher, or a doctor. and i only lost my temper once when ian kept cheating and spinning the dial every time he landed on 1. and we counted money and realized what a math whiz ian is. and we talked about loans and student loans the choice between college and just heading out into the workforce. and i walked away feeling great. and that we for real parented in a fun and educational way and then i posted a picture of family game night on facebook.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
S & S
fall in our house means two things: school & soccer. we live and breath it. it's what our life revolves around M-F. sean and i speak only of these things. who's taking the kids to school, did you pack his lunch? where are alex's cleats, ian has one more page of homework, when are those forms due? when is the game the weekend, can you be there for practice thursday, or is it me? that's it.
school.
soccer.
so i figure i should keep to the important stuff too.
school: here is the picture of the kids on their first day of 1st & 3rd grade. i almost can't believe sometimes how much i love these two humans. life can be hectic with kids, and it's these two smiles that make it all worth it. they really are happy, loving kids who despite the arguments and bickering they have they love each other and look out for each other always.
soccer: and here we have them after their first soccer games. ian, is proudly (and in true ian form) holding up 4 fingers. one for each of the goals he scored. alex, more demure per usual realizes it's not about winning but about having fun. but let's for the record say, she did score the first goal in her game.
ian had to get his bragging from someone.
Monday, September 16, 2013
blood sweat & tears: Alex's room part 1
blood, sweat & tears. all of these happened as they typically do during home remodeling. i've cut myself a handful of times on various paint lid openers, or stabbed myself with a screwdriver in the foot a time or two. and there is always sweat. working on a house is hard. and i tend to work at a feverish pace in fear that my time will be abruptly cut short due to the kids needing something, or needing to be somewhere. the good news is, this success story didn't include tears. at least not mine. my body still hasn't been able to replenish it's tear reserves since the infamous closet door debacle at the last house.
this is the story of alex's room makeover. which is funny because she doesn't even sleep in her room right now. she prefers the floor of ian's room, or our room, or this room. mostly this room because i bought a new duvet cover at IKEA and she thinks it's SO SOFT. (it's not)
it's a good thing this project of a house came with ample space and an extra bedroom so the princess could have her pick.
ever since we moved in she's been terrified. I repeat, TERRIFIED of the 2nd door in her room that goes into the bonus room. and this is where the tears come in. two doors is super creepy, i can see that. even AFTER i installed a new doorknob with a lock this room continues to be where she 'keeps her stuff'. which is okay for now. ask me in a few years how i feel about waking up to find her 10 year old body sleeping on my bedroom floor. now that's creepy.
so here we go. part 1. part 2 will be years from now surely when we have the floors replaced and put decent moldings up. but don't hold your breath, i'm not. we didn't get the moldings up on our last house until there was a for sale sign in the yard. THE BEFORE.
aaaaannnndddd the after.
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| See the creepy door? SO creepy. |
her room didn't require much. i had all her furniture at the last house. all items i pulled out of 2nd hand or antique stores. just a little paint on the ceiling, walls, and the trim which I HATE PAINTING and will be doing throughout this house.
up next: living & dining room. it's almost done. ALMOST. on hold due to cut finger...
up next: living & dining room. it's almost done. ALMOST. on hold due to cut finger...
for anyone who cares about this sort of thing. walls are SW sea salt, and trim is alabaster.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
thought i'd stop by and visit hell for a few days...it's not worth the hype. (also don't read if you are judgemental or are offended by swearing because there is some)
i finally feel like i can write about it. last week i was in a bad place. in a deep dark, hate the world, woe is me, feeling sorry for myself bad place. this week i'm in a good place. an 'i got this' place. an 'i can do it, because i did it a million times before' place. so i can write about it now, and laugh at myself. last week there was no laughing. not any.
see, last week straight donkey punched me in the face. i'm not gonna lie.
after a wonderful 10 day vacation out east to see sean's family, and an awesome labor day camping weekend here with my family, 'real life' came crashing back upon us with a vengeance. maybe it was just a good old fashioned swift kick to the gut reality check. but it was hard. so hard.
on monday, the last sad day of labor day weekend, we drove home from camping dirty and smelly and packed to the gills with things that needed washing. we came to the realization that we had no daycare for the kids on tuesday. portland public schools started on wednesday. we'd known this for awhile, but i think we pushed it out of our minds and frankly i get SO tired of dealing with childcare and the logistics of our life that i ignored it. i ignored it until there was no time left. and then...
PANIC!
it was as if a semi truck came and settled itself on my shoulders. it was my month end close at work last week. and a quarter end! it's a week i cannot take time off under no circumstances and the days are long. LONG. and parents know, that getting our kids back to school is hard in itself. the school supplies, the backpacks, the having enough food in the house to put together a solid healthy lunch. the 'what bus are they riding and when?' and 'where will they go after school?' and oh hello folks! It's a new school for the kolmer family this year with new teachers, and new classrooms, and hopefully new friends! did i mention we have soccer practice on mondays? and tuesdays? and wednesdays? AND thursdays? no problem, right?
so what does this mom do? she freaks out.
what choice did i have but to work from home on tuesday the single busiest day of my work month. sean had done it 3 days himself the week before. it was so my turn. so i resorted to the fact we had no other options and silently talked to myself 'i can do it, right? oh, totally. i got this.
i didn't.
in the end, it was a 15 hour day with 30 minutes of work here, a 5 minute 'get a snack for the kids' break, followed by a 'plug in ANOTHER movie' for the kids break, followed by an hour of work and so on and so forth. let's not forget the breaking up of nearly 100 arguments over things as important as lint on the carpet and who got the bigger spoon and who is sitting too close to who on the couch and OMG kids fight over the stupidest stuff. i may or may not have said, 'get a real problem' a handful of times. and let's also not forget the trip to target, fred meyer's and office depot for pre-sharpened tichonderoga #2 pencils, a ream of paper, and zip lock bags. all items i forgot on on my original school supply run. and by run, i mean shopping extravaganza on amazon. delivered right to my door thanks to amazon prime.
anyway, it was long and hard and in the end i felt like a crappy employee and an absolutely crazy and frazzled mom who remembers snapping at the kids for flushing the toilet while I was on a phone call amongst MANY OTHER things that did not call for the wrath i put forth on them. please if anyone is reading, don't call the CSD. and if you work from home with kids on a regular basis, my hat's off to you. you know what? make it my shirt and my pants and my hat and my shoes. because i'd rather be naked in public then do that on a normal basis.
the fact is, the day pushed me further than i've been pushed in a long while. the amount of work i physically have to produce on this day of the month is staggering. when i'm AT work AT my desk withOUT getting up to pee or get a drink or lift my head to acknowledge the presence of another human it takes me 10-12 hours. so imagine, how productive i actually wasn't...considering.
wednesday came soon enough. literally 6 hours after i shut down my computer it was time to get up and get going again. it was the first day of school! i decided to hell with the 2nd busiest day of work, i'm taking my kids to their first day and will be in late. so sean and i together walked them in, took them to their classrooms and watched their eyes get bigger and glassier the closer to 8 it became. and when it was finally time to say goodbye alex said 'don't go mom' and her eyes welled up and i said (I ACTUALLY SAID) 'don't do this alex', because i had yet to go to ian's room and check on him. and her eyes welled up more. i told her she'd be fine which was bullshit because i wasn't fine. i couldn't wait to get out of this room and this school and cry all the way to work. i rubbed her arm, told her i couldn't wait to hear all about her day later that night (not knowing if i'd even be home to find out) and i left her there.
and i went to ian's classroom where he was seated in the back of the class. SHIT! did i not tell the teacher he's deaf in one ear? do i say that now? 'hi, i'm carrie. ian's a new student can you please hold his hand all day and of the 30 kids in your class make sure he's emotionally coddled today? can you also position him closer to the front and on the left side of the room so he can hear?' do i say that? or do i leave with my face in my hands? and then he jumped from his chair and hung on my leg and cried silently not wanting the others to see and that's when my floodgates opened and i cursed the world. why couldn't i stick around just a bit longer like all the other parents standing around? why couldn't i be there RIGHT at 2:15 to pick them up and spend the afternoon with them. why couldn't I be one of the sahm mom's who could greet their kids off the bus in the afternoon. why couldn't i be one of the working mom's who took the day off to greet their kids off the bus in the afternoon and take them for rootbeers after to celebrate their day? WHY WHY WHY did i have to be this kind of mom that has to jet out after just telling your kid to 'hurry up and pull yourself together'? and then i did it again. yup. 'ian, don't do this. you're gonna have a great day'. and i looked to the boy (ethan) sitting next to ian and said 'you're gonna have a great day, right?' and he just looked at me like i was a crazy person.
and maybe i was.
i proceeded to drive to work, my eyelids blinking faster thru my tears than the windshield wipers ran to swipe the rain. feelings of self loathing and regret overwhelmed me. nobody will ever know how terrible i felt that day. how low, how angry, while at the same time working as fast as my brain and fingers would allow so i could hopefully just please god hopefully get me home by bedtime. i spoke to nobody. i responded to zero emails or texts. i hardly responded to people that would walk by and say, 'how are the kids getting on in their first week of school?'
because if i did, i broke my concentration and the floodgates that were hovering behind my eyelids all day long.
and at 6:30, i shut down my computer and raced home fully prepared to deal with two emotional wrecks (3 counting me) but what i came home to was two over the moon ecstatic kids who had 'the best day of school ever' and 'met new friends' and 'loved their new school'.
praise god. i almost fell down with relief.
the next two days although hard, felt like a breeze. i think because the emotional stress and worry of the kids sitting at a lunch table, alone, and standing around the playground with nobody to play with had lifted. it's a real eye opener when you clearly distinguish the difference between physical and emotional stress. i feel physical stress a lot. needing to be in two places at once, not feeling 'enough' in all these places in your life. wondering if i'm a good mom even though i work, wondering if i'm a good employee even though i have kids, wondering if i'm even a shell of the wife i used to be before life got bigger. the feeling of just not having enough to go around consumes me. never mind ever having the time or energy to give anything to yourself. add to that emotional duress, and it can take you down to your knees. i've been to this place before. where a loved one is ill. where a loved one is sick. where you are overcome with worry about a friend or family member as i was for my two kids. i know that pain. this week was not THAT pain. but it was pain regardless.
i haven't lost sight that things could have been worse. that nobody was sick. that nobody was in physical danger. i'm aware as over the course of the week i had people say i needed to 'keep perspective' and 'it could be worse' and another told me their current struggles in order to make me remember i wasn't alone. one friend said, 'at least your new house wasn't a former meth house' and thank god for that. as that is a true and real tragedy happening to someone we know. and i would remember these things, and talk to myself and recount my blessings and i have many. one, being a friend that knowing what i was going thru as so was she said, 'you are an amazing mom to care this much and worry so hard' knowing that was the only thing i actually needed to hear. sometimes all the little things piled high feel like way too much. i wouldn't trade all my little things for any others or one big one. they are mine, all mine and it's why they are so personal to me. i take my work, my kids, my family and my friends very serious. it's my everything. and by nature, i want to be caring for all of them well. it's who i am.
it's been exactly one week and it's almost funny to me how differently you can feel one week to the next. i was low last week. low low low. and this week, i feel good. i can now look back and although i didn't do it in all the best ways, and I didn't appear like superwoman flying around with a magical cape making it all happen...i did actually make it all happen. i got my work done. i saw the kids thru their first week of school, with smiles on their faces at the end of each day. they both got to their practices ON TIME, with everything they needed (all with sean's help of course) and we survived. we all survived.
and at the end of the day, that is something to be damn proud of.
see, last week straight donkey punched me in the face. i'm not gonna lie.
after a wonderful 10 day vacation out east to see sean's family, and an awesome labor day camping weekend here with my family, 'real life' came crashing back upon us with a vengeance. maybe it was just a good old fashioned swift kick to the gut reality check. but it was hard. so hard.
on monday, the last sad day of labor day weekend, we drove home from camping dirty and smelly and packed to the gills with things that needed washing. we came to the realization that we had no daycare for the kids on tuesday. portland public schools started on wednesday. we'd known this for awhile, but i think we pushed it out of our minds and frankly i get SO tired of dealing with childcare and the logistics of our life that i ignored it. i ignored it until there was no time left. and then...
PANIC!
it was as if a semi truck came and settled itself on my shoulders. it was my month end close at work last week. and a quarter end! it's a week i cannot take time off under no circumstances and the days are long. LONG. and parents know, that getting our kids back to school is hard in itself. the school supplies, the backpacks, the having enough food in the house to put together a solid healthy lunch. the 'what bus are they riding and when?' and 'where will they go after school?' and oh hello folks! It's a new school for the kolmer family this year with new teachers, and new classrooms, and hopefully new friends! did i mention we have soccer practice on mondays? and tuesdays? and wednesdays? AND thursdays? no problem, right?
so what does this mom do? she freaks out.
what choice did i have but to work from home on tuesday the single busiest day of my work month. sean had done it 3 days himself the week before. it was so my turn. so i resorted to the fact we had no other options and silently talked to myself 'i can do it, right? oh, totally. i got this.
i didn't.
in the end, it was a 15 hour day with 30 minutes of work here, a 5 minute 'get a snack for the kids' break, followed by a 'plug in ANOTHER movie' for the kids break, followed by an hour of work and so on and so forth. let's not forget the breaking up of nearly 100 arguments over things as important as lint on the carpet and who got the bigger spoon and who is sitting too close to who on the couch and OMG kids fight over the stupidest stuff. i may or may not have said, 'get a real problem' a handful of times. and let's also not forget the trip to target, fred meyer's and office depot for pre-sharpened tichonderoga #2 pencils, a ream of paper, and zip lock bags. all items i forgot on on my original school supply run. and by run, i mean shopping extravaganza on amazon. delivered right to my door thanks to amazon prime.
anyway, it was long and hard and in the end i felt like a crappy employee and an absolutely crazy and frazzled mom who remembers snapping at the kids for flushing the toilet while I was on a phone call amongst MANY OTHER things that did not call for the wrath i put forth on them. please if anyone is reading, don't call the CSD. and if you work from home with kids on a regular basis, my hat's off to you. you know what? make it my shirt and my pants and my hat and my shoes. because i'd rather be naked in public then do that on a normal basis.
the fact is, the day pushed me further than i've been pushed in a long while. the amount of work i physically have to produce on this day of the month is staggering. when i'm AT work AT my desk withOUT getting up to pee or get a drink or lift my head to acknowledge the presence of another human it takes me 10-12 hours. so imagine, how productive i actually wasn't...considering.
wednesday came soon enough. literally 6 hours after i shut down my computer it was time to get up and get going again. it was the first day of school! i decided to hell with the 2nd busiest day of work, i'm taking my kids to their first day and will be in late. so sean and i together walked them in, took them to their classrooms and watched their eyes get bigger and glassier the closer to 8 it became. and when it was finally time to say goodbye alex said 'don't go mom' and her eyes welled up and i said (I ACTUALLY SAID) 'don't do this alex', because i had yet to go to ian's room and check on him. and her eyes welled up more. i told her she'd be fine which was bullshit because i wasn't fine. i couldn't wait to get out of this room and this school and cry all the way to work. i rubbed her arm, told her i couldn't wait to hear all about her day later that night (not knowing if i'd even be home to find out) and i left her there.
and i went to ian's classroom where he was seated in the back of the class. SHIT! did i not tell the teacher he's deaf in one ear? do i say that now? 'hi, i'm carrie. ian's a new student can you please hold his hand all day and of the 30 kids in your class make sure he's emotionally coddled today? can you also position him closer to the front and on the left side of the room so he can hear?' do i say that? or do i leave with my face in my hands? and then he jumped from his chair and hung on my leg and cried silently not wanting the others to see and that's when my floodgates opened and i cursed the world. why couldn't i stick around just a bit longer like all the other parents standing around? why couldn't i be there RIGHT at 2:15 to pick them up and spend the afternoon with them. why couldn't I be one of the sahm mom's who could greet their kids off the bus in the afternoon. why couldn't i be one of the working mom's who took the day off to greet their kids off the bus in the afternoon and take them for rootbeers after to celebrate their day? WHY WHY WHY did i have to be this kind of mom that has to jet out after just telling your kid to 'hurry up and pull yourself together'? and then i did it again. yup. 'ian, don't do this. you're gonna have a great day'. and i looked to the boy (ethan) sitting next to ian and said 'you're gonna have a great day, right?' and he just looked at me like i was a crazy person.
and maybe i was.
i proceeded to drive to work, my eyelids blinking faster thru my tears than the windshield wipers ran to swipe the rain. feelings of self loathing and regret overwhelmed me. nobody will ever know how terrible i felt that day. how low, how angry, while at the same time working as fast as my brain and fingers would allow so i could hopefully just please god hopefully get me home by bedtime. i spoke to nobody. i responded to zero emails or texts. i hardly responded to people that would walk by and say, 'how are the kids getting on in their first week of school?'
because if i did, i broke my concentration and the floodgates that were hovering behind my eyelids all day long.
and at 6:30, i shut down my computer and raced home fully prepared to deal with two emotional wrecks (3 counting me) but what i came home to was two over the moon ecstatic kids who had 'the best day of school ever' and 'met new friends' and 'loved their new school'.
praise god. i almost fell down with relief.
the next two days although hard, felt like a breeze. i think because the emotional stress and worry of the kids sitting at a lunch table, alone, and standing around the playground with nobody to play with had lifted. it's a real eye opener when you clearly distinguish the difference between physical and emotional stress. i feel physical stress a lot. needing to be in two places at once, not feeling 'enough' in all these places in your life. wondering if i'm a good mom even though i work, wondering if i'm a good employee even though i have kids, wondering if i'm even a shell of the wife i used to be before life got bigger. the feeling of just not having enough to go around consumes me. never mind ever having the time or energy to give anything to yourself. add to that emotional duress, and it can take you down to your knees. i've been to this place before. where a loved one is ill. where a loved one is sick. where you are overcome with worry about a friend or family member as i was for my two kids. i know that pain. this week was not THAT pain. but it was pain regardless.
i haven't lost sight that things could have been worse. that nobody was sick. that nobody was in physical danger. i'm aware as over the course of the week i had people say i needed to 'keep perspective' and 'it could be worse' and another told me their current struggles in order to make me remember i wasn't alone. one friend said, 'at least your new house wasn't a former meth house' and thank god for that. as that is a true and real tragedy happening to someone we know. and i would remember these things, and talk to myself and recount my blessings and i have many. one, being a friend that knowing what i was going thru as so was she said, 'you are an amazing mom to care this much and worry so hard' knowing that was the only thing i actually needed to hear. sometimes all the little things piled high feel like way too much. i wouldn't trade all my little things for any others or one big one. they are mine, all mine and it's why they are so personal to me. i take my work, my kids, my family and my friends very serious. it's my everything. and by nature, i want to be caring for all of them well. it's who i am.
it's been exactly one week and it's almost funny to me how differently you can feel one week to the next. i was low last week. low low low. and this week, i feel good. i can now look back and although i didn't do it in all the best ways, and I didn't appear like superwoman flying around with a magical cape making it all happen...i did actually make it all happen. i got my work done. i saw the kids thru their first week of school, with smiles on their faces at the end of each day. they both got to their practices ON TIME, with everything they needed (all with sean's help of course) and we survived. we all survived.
and at the end of the day, that is something to be damn proud of.
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