i have this thing i say a lot. i say it when i'm down in the dumps like last week. and i say it when i'm teetering on that edge of sanity and not sane like this week. i'm sure you've heard it. it goes something like, 'you laugh or cry'. and i usually follow it up with a nervous, 'right?' and i expect an answer. a bit of validation that it's perfectly normal to be either one or the other but rarely in between.
last week, i cried. a lot. just in a rut, not feeling it. tired, and angry because i was so tired. un-motivated and un-wavering. i kept to myself and tried to spare my loved ones from my 'boo hoo's'. i acted like a victim and that the world dealt me a 'harder hand' than others. i know this isn't true. but a pity party was had and that's that.
now, i know and those closest to me know that really i just needed to take my vitamins. i'm not embarrassed to say that i'm a victim of 'SAD' (seasonal affective disorder) which causes a form of depression from lack of sun and light and sunlight and warmth. and for a person with 'SAD' living in the pacific northwest you just have these 'boo hoo' weeks, and you take your vitamin D and you have a big girl talk with yourself, and you move on and know that in 4 long months, you'll feel better.
on tuesday morning of this week, for the first time, i woke up feeling better than the day before in more than 10 days.
so, on the way to work when i merged onto the freeway and found traffic NOT moving i did not cry. i turned the radio up and enjoyed the time to myself.
and when i realized i'd left my lunch at home i did not cry, i treated myself to subway with a co-worker.
and when i picked up the kids that afternoon and found them to be tired, grumpy, and un-cooperative i did not cry, i started a tickle fight with them.
and ian ended up pee'ing his pants and soaking the couch.
and then when he cried, i did not cry, but laughed and tried to make light of it.
and when that didn't work, and he had run upstairs in pee soaked pants and hid under his bed, i did not cry. i pulled him out by those pee soaked pants and made pee soaked carpet and told him everything would be okay.
and when he said 'NO IT WON'T' and wiggled further under, he bumped his head.
and when he said, 'you are the worst mother in the whole world' i did not cry. i laughed and said, 'you're probably right' and i left the room and started the bath.
and when he was in the bath and i was washing his hair, i got soap in his eyes and he did this.
and i laughed.
and let's just say that didn't help matters.
i'm pretty sure i did not help my case for the annual 'mother of the year' competition. i'll from here on out stop checking the mailbox for my big award. but i laughed instead of cried and that's something.