dear 5 year old Ian,

i'm writing this to you now when your 5 because, i think it's my favorite age. now, i'm pretty sure i said that when you were 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. well maybe not 3, but definitely the others. it's the age i find myself staring at you just as i did alex at 5...with wonder, with hope, with happiness. sometimes with frustration. your little personality is shining through. you're 'figuring it out'. you need me, but not as much. you're not a baby, but you constantly remind us we aren't done parenting. not by a long shot. you challenge us, you make us laugh, and at least once a day cause your dad and i too look at each other with a mutual look of acknowledgement of just how much we love you. 

i figure, someday when you are reading more than just long vowels you'll read this and wonder what you were like at 5. so here goes.

yesterday was a really super day for mommy. you've been having a lot of anger and frustration lately and it's left me nervous that we are doing something wrong. we've been talking with your teacher and your after school daycare counselor about your crazy energy and silliness. focusing in class is not super easy for you at 5. sometimes i feel guilty that i chose to put you in full day kindergarten before you were ready. sometimes i feel guilty that i can't be home after school for you to come home to after school. when you and alex tell me you're sad i have to work. i feel guilty.

i know your tired. i know that school is a big transition and creates a lot of expectations. your dad and i have been working on ways to keep your attention and reward you positively. we've been trying to build your confidence at school so you enjoy it more. yesterday, your teacher sent me an email that you've asked me to read to you over and over again. 

it said,

Ian is a rockstar reader!  He read long vowel words to me today!  He said that he was trying hard in all of his work - and he is right!  

He has also been a good listener and not being silly.  I am so impressed with his work.

Mrs. Kolb

when you came running through the door after school screaming, 'did you get the email mom? did you get the email?' my heart melted. you may have been more proud than your dad and i. and that's saying a lot and maybe even impossible.

i love 5. i love that you sneak into our bed at 4 am so we can snuggle. i love that your dad pretends to be annoyed, but really isn't. i love how you're so good at angry birds and mariokart. i love that you are learning to read. i love that you'll go shoot hoops underhand for hours and always say 'good job' when someone else makes a shot. i love that you compliment our neighbors on their 'cool christmas lights'. i love how you bop your head to music in the car and pretend to sing along but not so loud than anyone can hear. i love how you always get mixed up on your favorite sports teams which are really your dad's favorite sports teams and say your favorite baseball team is the bears. i love how your dad always smiles and follows up with, 'red sox buddy'. 

i don't like that your getting too big for me to hold. i try anyway, and it usually results in a sore back or pinched neck. i don't like that i have to shop in the big boys clothes for you now, and that your starting to have an opinion on what you wear. i don't like that your dad cut your hair too short and look even older than you are. i don't like that most days i only have 2 short hours to spend with you. i don't like that each day that passes, you'll only get older than the last. 

love you my ian bian.
mommy