My Girl, talking bout-My Girl.

Five Years Ago Today...

-I became a mother, and my life changed forever in the best of ways.

-I said goodbye to order, and control. And sleep.

-I fell in love with a little girl and have done so over and over again each and every day since.

This week, we celebrated Alex's 5th birthday. And at Five Years Old, Alex...

-Can recognize and write all her letters.

-Read words, (mostly by her inherited photographic memory).

-Is a happy, loving, nurturing and sweet girl.

-Loves her brother 70% of the time, the other 30% is mauling him, torturing him or chasing after him. Sean may argue my ratio is severely off.

-enjoys being outside, riding her bike, watching Tom & Jerry and doing art projects.

-When she's angry, she stomps her feet, slams her bedroom door, and proclaims, 'nobody likes me!'. Also, she is not dramatic at all.

-has given up naps for the most part but falls asleep in the car for any ride longer than 15 minutes.

-has many 'best friends' including Trey, Devon, Caden, and sometimes she'll add Ian to the list.

-prefers her dad in most regards, and the feeling is mutual.

-makes me laugh every day at either her dramatic tirades, or the funny things she says.

-last week referred to her 'down there', or 'private area' as her china. At least she picked a word that rhymes!

-loves to wear dresses and leggings and shoes with shine and glitter.

-can be found looking at herself in the mirror, and admiring the beauty of herself!

-has many favorite toys including dolls, fairy's, and little pet shop pets.

-is excited for Kindergarten and refers to her new school as the 'red roof school'.

-is a worrier, just like her Mom and her Nanna.

-is smart as a whip, with a memory like an elephant just like her Dad.

-hates to cleanup after herself.

I can believe that Alex is five. Somehow, it makes sense. I feel like I've been a 'mom' for five years, that my life has been different for five years. I can't believe however how she's changed in that time. She's like this mini person, with thoughts and feelings and opinions. She's so smart, and funny! And has this amazing sense of humor. She's also thoughtful, and worries about others. She's cautious with herself, I doubt this girl will ever sky dive or bungee jump. Thank goodness.

She blows my mind each and every day, and every single time I look at her face I remember the day she was born. How instantly I loved her. Where Ian looks nothing like he did as a baby, she still has the same features, larger and matured but the baby is still there.

Ah, I love her.

She is such a daddy's girl, which developed when Ian was born. They formed a bond and a respect for one another and both being Taurus's this works for us. They 'understand' each other, if you will.

I'm so proud of who she is becoming, and so proud of Sean and I. We used to laugh when she turned 1 and 2. We succeeded at parenting! We have cared for every one of her needs around the clock, we kept her alive! It's hard to imagine that for 5 years now, we've been responsible for her safety, and her health. That's 1,825 days and nights!

Incredible.

She is incredible.

Dear Abby, or Diary, or whoever you are,

I go to bed with a heavy heart AGAIN. And Sean is at a work dinner, so you blog are my only hope.

I'm pretty sure that by now, it's clear that I hate to leave my kids each day. I'm sure all my friends (including you blog) are tired of hearing about it. So, I'll spare you the recap on that on-going saga. But I will say this; I know that staying at home and working both have their ups and downs. And I'm sure if I did stay home I'd be grasping for some semblance of adult interaction. I know that both jobs are hard hard hard.

I guess sometimes I wish that I had a choice. For me the only choice was 'where'. For this I blame Linfield College. The school that both Sean and I paid thousands and thousands of dollars to well, meet each other. This is also the institution that sucks a good chunk of change out of our bank account each month. I hold tight to that concept, that the loans we pay each month are some sort of dowry to each other. Right? RIGHT?

The worst part for me has always been, those first few weeks of taking your baby to someone else to care for. I've done it twice and there is no easy button for that task. You hunt hunt hunt for the perfect place, although in your heart no place is perfect unless it's with you. You view centers, home daycare's and you knit pick them to death. You hope the other kids are well behaved and don't teach your kids bad manners. You hope their teacher, nanny, or daycare provider treats them as though they were their own.

You mostly just hope.

That your making the right decision.

Then you rip the band aid off and you drive away from your baby. And you cry the whole way to work. And when you pick them up with smiles on their faces...you know you've done good.

I digress. Three years ago, I made a choice. I made a choice to move Alex from her first daycare and I found Kathleena. For three years our kids have been cared for to my very high standards. They come home all learned and smart. They are active, and artsy and have fun! They do music and dance, and all the things I can't teach them during the day, Kathleena does. She probably has taught them more than I ever could. And for this I am forever grateful.

Unfortunately, the logistics of our life are changing. And for us, logistics have always been our biggest hurdle. How do we get Sean to Salem, myself to Beaverton, the kids to school and all back again? How do we incorporate classes, swim lessons and still leave time for QT at night? We've managed. I've gotten up and driven to work each morning before the roosters crow, and we manage to get Sean home just as dinner is on the table. It's working. But next year, Alex is starting school and everything is changing and although I haven't worked out the details yet, what I do know is our time with Kathleena is ending. She's out of our district and in the Fall, we'll be moving Alex and now trying to figure out how to logistically get her to her place and Ian to his and us to ours. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I'm digressing again. Basically, I've decided to keep the kids home this summer. And as my friend always says, 'remove the daily task of ripping my kids from their sheets' each morning. My dear Sis is thrilled to spend some quality time with them in between long weekends, a few vacations, and some family visits. And I'm excited for them and the summer we have planned but heartbroken about Kathleena.

I told her today as I picked up the kids and left with such a terrible heartache inside. I felt like giving good notice was the best possible thing I could do and instead it just feels icky. She has absolutely been amazing to us and our kids. She has worked with our long days, she's accepted my kids on Mondays when I've had to work, and most recently Fridays. They love her, we love her.

And Kathleena, I hope if your reading this you know that. And I hope you know that in the end, it's logistics.

I will be forever grateful for the love, and the amazing spirit you've given to our kids. I've picked up my kids with smiles on their faces every every every day, and there is no thank you big enough for that.

She doesn't even know me!

I hesitated to write this one down because, If I do one day print this out and organize it into some sort of book for the kids this is one of those stories that every time I read it...I'll cry and cry. But at the same time, I think it's important because what transpired last night is something that haunts me every day and is my biggest struggle in this adventure you call parenting.

As I was tucking Alex into bed last night, having just returned from the gym (the first trip in weeks) and having actually taken some time for me, she says this:

"Mom, I don't even know you. Your gone all the time at work and I'm always at school."

OUCH.

A dagger pierced through my heart. I looked at my sweet girl, almost 5! And as much as it hurt, I felt the same way about her. Time just flies by, I maneuver through the work week counting days until Saturday when I can re-connect, breath and be a mom. Where I'm not racing to get home, jumping hurdles to get dinner on the table before they melt down from hunger, hurry them to bath and pray that they pick short books and go to bed quickly so I can collapse.

It's true that she doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I think of them all day at work. She doesn't know that I would give anything for more time with them, and she doesn't know that I go to bed feeling horrible guilt for the time I'm not home. I wish I came home refreshed and alert, with all this energy to give to them, but I don't. Just like I get through the work day, I'm just getting through the evening routine. Hopefully one day she will understand.

One day with kids of her own, she'll realize that although I wasn't there for the fun, the learning and the amazing experiences she had during the day. I was there last night for the moment when Ian pooped all out his pull-up and onto the floor, smearing the walls, his skinny little legs covered, and soiling his Jammie's for good. I was there to give him a shower at 8:45 pm, when truly I wanted to be face down in my bed. That was me. I was there for that. Isn't that enough?

In the meantime, I have to just keep doing my best. I have to keep taking what I have to give and dispersing it to where it's most important. And maybe this week, I need to focus on her and let her pick that huge, thick, Sleeping Beauty book I hate at bedtime. And the fact that summer is approaching and the top button of my jeans is working harder than a Japanese train pusher to keep me in may just have to wait.

A transformation

Sometimes, I do stuff. I do stuff that costs too much money, and takes too much time but it's sort of like therapy to me. Some people think I'm crazy. Some people wonder how I find the time, but I do. Because I need it. And because sitting at a computer 40 hours a week does not bring me the kind of joy that turning something ugly into something pretty does. And well, shouldn't everyone have a hobby?

I am constantly on craigslist. I like to hunt down old, cheap, used, tattered things (and sometimes used, not so cheap and tattered things) to spruce up my humble abode. A few weeks back, I found these:

Super cute huh? They are 50 years old, in perfect structural condition and aside from some dried and petrified grape jelly just a perfectly clean slate.

So, took 12 cans of spray paint, a bit of fabric and some stain I had laying around and did this:


And this:


Besides a numb finger tip (from the use of spray cans) the project was quick, easy and now my dining room looks like it belongs on the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. Well, maybe not. But I like it much better!

I have a new best friend

This morning Ian melted my heart. He melted it right in two, and then it flooded from my chest, oozing to the floor which is where I snuggled with him for 10 minutes, making me EVEN LATER to work than I already was. All because he said this:

Ian: (After stumbling into my room this morning, hair a mess, and his two faithful blanket animals clutched in each hand) Mommy, you're my best friend.

Me: Aaaaaaah, my sweet boy. You're my best friend too!

Ian: (With Giant Smile) Oh, dat make me so happy!

Alex has also been hamming it up lately. Just yesterday, I asked her if she'd brushed her teeth yet. She said, 'Yes, I brushed them all morning.' 'All morning?' I asked? She said, 'Yes, I just had the water running super low so you couldn't hear it'. All of this said 3 inches from my face and believe me, she clearly had not yet brushed.

Also yesterday, I got lost trying to find a fabric store. I was turned around due to conflicting information on the GPS and Google Maps. I pulled over to think and Alex says, 'What is going on here mom? It's like your mind is broken off'.

Later as she was fighting a bath, I told her she had dirt behind her ears and she said, 'NO, that's not dirt. It's ear plugs'.

Of course.

Keep it Classy, San Diego

The Griswold Kolmer family Vacation: Part UN
What a week. Sean and I are coming off of a 10 day break from work, the dog, alarm clocks, and chores and have successfully completed our first family vacation. It was our first 'go where we want, do what we want to do' trip and it was with just the four of us. And it was nice.

I could probably write 15 pages of detail on our excursion and post the 405 pictures I took, but I won't. I'll try to keep it two 10 pages and 1 photo, okay 3. You can see the other pictures here.

Friends and family are always wondering why Sean and I haven't had a vacation just the two of us since our honeymoon. Well, besides the obvious in that our money tree is as dead as the rest of the foliage I've ever tried to grow I was actually really looking forward to this time away with the kids.

I left for work this morning feeling a little bit like I did the first days I ever took my babies to childcare and I headed back to work after a long and restful maternity leave. My heart ached a bit and I felt like one or two of my limbs had been torn loose. This week off gave me something I've been craving, and that's pure, unadulterated and precious time with my kids. A chance to be 'present' without deadlines, time constraints, or chores yanking me away.

There is still something inside me wanting a quiet and restful week on a remote beach with a big umbrella drink in my hand but this time, a crazy week in Disneyland & San Diego was just what the doctor ordered. And the sun, palm trees and 85 degree temps weren't bad either.

Disneyland is now a 3 day blur filled with hundreds of credit card swipes, an overdose of pizza & churros, & enough walking to leave Sean and I almost crippled in our hotel room each night. It's true what they say, 'Disneyland really is the happiest place on earth'. We walked around with grins from ear to ear and despite dealing with a few minor melt downs, probably had more fun than the kids.

Highlights include my trip down splash mountain with Alex, her joy and fear mixed scream followed by an immediate yell, 'I want to go again!'. Also at the top of the list for the little Miss was her dinner at Ariel's Grotto where she was able to meet ALL the princesses and snag photos with each. When the bill came to the table I tensed while Sean's jaw dropped, and then he said 'Money well, spent. It was totally worth it to see those smiles on her face'. PHEW.

I'd like to personally thank Mr. Walt Disney and his staff for the careful planning in putting a store at the exit of each ride. Thank you Walt for the placement of the elaborate and over-priced dresses at the exit of Pixie Hollow. I'd really love to have that $65 dollars + tax back in exchange for the pizza stained 'Silvermist' dress now crumpled in Alex's dress up box. As well as the creepy eyed Ariel stuffed doll that I could have filled my gas tank with. Gracias, Merci, & Ma halo, Sir. But really, how cute is this?



We bounced back and forth between Disney & California Adventure for three days covering almost all of both parks, hitting the majority of the rides which probably accounted for over 20 hours hanging out in lines. This left TONS of time for family bonding, people watching and physical struggles to keep Ian from hurting himself as he hung from ropes, tangled himself in bars, and annoyed all the other park goer's by hitting them with his Pirates of the Caribbean sword, or his elbow, or foot, or head for that matter.

When we'd had about all the spinning, gliding, and boat riding we could take we blew that pop stand and hit the road jack. We took a short road trip to Sunny San Diego while the kids got their first full nap in days. And that's when the trip took a SLIGHT turn south, in more ways that one.


The Griswold Family Vacation: Part Deuce
It's not like our trip to San Diego was BAD. In fact it was quiet good. It was lower key, I loved driving around the city and we had a great time at Sea World and the San Diego Zoo. We drove out to Coronado Island, and had a nice and relaxing birthday dinner for moi, however...

Our hotel room was TERRIBLE. Aside from the fact the bedspreads were made of sleeping bag material and we couldn't keep them on the beds to save our lives the bed skirts my friends were made out of Jean. Yeah, Jean. I said it.

There was no fridge as promised, no ice maker, the pool was COLD and the door across from the elevator looked like this:


That's safe.

The room was small and the shower floor I don't even know how to explain. In three words, it was soft. It was impossible to keep your balance and after 30 failed attempts to keep the shampoo bottles on the ledge I gave up and along with trying not to tip over from lack of floor I was then tripping on bottles, sliding on soap bars and well, you know...it just ticked me off.

I did my research, I read reviews, and although only given 4 hotels to choose from where I could use my airline miles I thought I picked the best one. Royal Fail. We made the best of it, laughed a lot and added to the class by buying 24 oz cans of Corona light and storing them in our ice bucket. Keep it classy in San Diego-Ron Burgandy style.

But ASIDE from all that we had more fun, saw Shamu and friends, pet Bat Rays, saw penguins the size of small humans, watched Dolphins swim within inches from us and spent an afternoon at the beach. And oh, I fell in love with a camel and decided our next pet will be 'said camel'. Here he is with giant loogie all ready to go.



Aaaahhhh good times.

$#&@, $%*@, and every other swear word.

This is the lovely, custom built doghouse we had built.



This is the lovely & unique gate we had built for the large area of our yard we've transformed into a dog run.



This is our SOAB dog amongst his newly laid 6 yards of cedar chips.



And this is the hole the SOAB punched in our back gate today.



To get to this lovely vacant, mud pit of a field behind us.



And $100 shelter fee seemed like a bargain. I will not be using any of this for his craiglist ad.