She doesn't even know me!

I hesitated to write this one down because, If I do one day print this out and organize it into some sort of book for the kids this is one of those stories that every time I read it...I'll cry and cry. But at the same time, I think it's important because what transpired last night is something that haunts me every day and is my biggest struggle in this adventure you call parenting.

As I was tucking Alex into bed last night, having just returned from the gym (the first trip in weeks) and having actually taken some time for me, she says this:

"Mom, I don't even know you. Your gone all the time at work and I'm always at school."

OUCH.

A dagger pierced through my heart. I looked at my sweet girl, almost 5! And as much as it hurt, I felt the same way about her. Time just flies by, I maneuver through the work week counting days until Saturday when I can re-connect, breath and be a mom. Where I'm not racing to get home, jumping hurdles to get dinner on the table before they melt down from hunger, hurry them to bath and pray that they pick short books and go to bed quickly so I can collapse.

It's true that she doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I think of them all day at work. She doesn't know that I would give anything for more time with them, and she doesn't know that I go to bed feeling horrible guilt for the time I'm not home. I wish I came home refreshed and alert, with all this energy to give to them, but I don't. Just like I get through the work day, I'm just getting through the evening routine. Hopefully one day she will understand.

One day with kids of her own, she'll realize that although I wasn't there for the fun, the learning and the amazing experiences she had during the day. I was there last night for the moment when Ian pooped all out his pull-up and onto the floor, smearing the walls, his skinny little legs covered, and soiling his Jammie's for good. I was there to give him a shower at 8:45 pm, when truly I wanted to be face down in my bed. That was me. I was there for that. Isn't that enough?

In the meantime, I have to just keep doing my best. I have to keep taking what I have to give and dispersing it to where it's most important. And maybe this week, I need to focus on her and let her pick that huge, thick, Sleeping Beauty book I hate at bedtime. And the fact that summer is approaching and the top button of my jeans is working harder than a Japanese train pusher to keep me in may just have to wait.

A transformation

Sometimes, I do stuff. I do stuff that costs too much money, and takes too much time but it's sort of like therapy to me. Some people think I'm crazy. Some people wonder how I find the time, but I do. Because I need it. And because sitting at a computer 40 hours a week does not bring me the kind of joy that turning something ugly into something pretty does. And well, shouldn't everyone have a hobby?

I am constantly on craigslist. I like to hunt down old, cheap, used, tattered things (and sometimes used, not so cheap and tattered things) to spruce up my humble abode. A few weeks back, I found these:

Super cute huh? They are 50 years old, in perfect structural condition and aside from some dried and petrified grape jelly just a perfectly clean slate.

So, took 12 cans of spray paint, a bit of fabric and some stain I had laying around and did this:


And this:


Besides a numb finger tip (from the use of spray cans) the project was quick, easy and now my dining room looks like it belongs on the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. Well, maybe not. But I like it much better!

I have a new best friend

This morning Ian melted my heart. He melted it right in two, and then it flooded from my chest, oozing to the floor which is where I snuggled with him for 10 minutes, making me EVEN LATER to work than I already was. All because he said this:

Ian: (After stumbling into my room this morning, hair a mess, and his two faithful blanket animals clutched in each hand) Mommy, you're my best friend.

Me: Aaaaaaah, my sweet boy. You're my best friend too!

Ian: (With Giant Smile) Oh, dat make me so happy!

Alex has also been hamming it up lately. Just yesterday, I asked her if she'd brushed her teeth yet. She said, 'Yes, I brushed them all morning.' 'All morning?' I asked? She said, 'Yes, I just had the water running super low so you couldn't hear it'. All of this said 3 inches from my face and believe me, she clearly had not yet brushed.

Also yesterday, I got lost trying to find a fabric store. I was turned around due to conflicting information on the GPS and Google Maps. I pulled over to think and Alex says, 'What is going on here mom? It's like your mind is broken off'.

Later as she was fighting a bath, I told her she had dirt behind her ears and she said, 'NO, that's not dirt. It's ear plugs'.

Of course.