dear 5 year old Ian,

i'm writing this to you now when your 5 because, i think it's my favorite age. now, i'm pretty sure i said that when you were 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. well maybe not 3, but definitely the others. it's the age i find myself staring at you just as i did alex at 5...with wonder, with hope, with happiness. sometimes with frustration. your little personality is shining through. you're 'figuring it out'. you need me, but not as much. you're not a baby, but you constantly remind us we aren't done parenting. not by a long shot. you challenge us, you make us laugh, and at least once a day cause your dad and i too look at each other with a mutual look of acknowledgement of just how much we love you. 

i figure, someday when you are reading more than just long vowels you'll read this and wonder what you were like at 5. so here goes.

yesterday was a really super day for mommy. you've been having a lot of anger and frustration lately and it's left me nervous that we are doing something wrong. we've been talking with your teacher and your after school daycare counselor about your crazy energy and silliness. focusing in class is not super easy for you at 5. sometimes i feel guilty that i chose to put you in full day kindergarten before you were ready. sometimes i feel guilty that i can't be home after school for you to come home to after school. when you and alex tell me you're sad i have to work. i feel guilty.

i know your tired. i know that school is a big transition and creates a lot of expectations. your dad and i have been working on ways to keep your attention and reward you positively. we've been trying to build your confidence at school so you enjoy it more. yesterday, your teacher sent me an email that you've asked me to read to you over and over again. 

it said,

Ian is a rockstar reader!  He read long vowel words to me today!  He said that he was trying hard in all of his work - and he is right!  

He has also been a good listener and not being silly.  I am so impressed with his work.

Mrs. Kolb

when you came running through the door after school screaming, 'did you get the email mom? did you get the email?' my heart melted. you may have been more proud than your dad and i. and that's saying a lot and maybe even impossible.

i love 5. i love that you sneak into our bed at 4 am so we can snuggle. i love that your dad pretends to be annoyed, but really isn't. i love how you're so good at angry birds and mariokart. i love that you are learning to read. i love that you'll go shoot hoops underhand for hours and always say 'good job' when someone else makes a shot. i love that you compliment our neighbors on their 'cool christmas lights'. i love how you bop your head to music in the car and pretend to sing along but not so loud than anyone can hear. i love how you always get mixed up on your favorite sports teams which are really your dad's favorite sports teams and say your favorite baseball team is the bears. i love how your dad always smiles and follows up with, 'red sox buddy'. 

i don't like that your getting too big for me to hold. i try anyway, and it usually results in a sore back or pinched neck. i don't like that i have to shop in the big boys clothes for you now, and that your starting to have an opinion on what you wear. i don't like that your dad cut your hair too short and look even older than you are. i don't like that most days i only have 2 short hours to spend with you. i don't like that each day that passes, you'll only get older than the last. 

love you my ian bian.
mommy

five.

i thought i was going un-noticed. that my lack of blogging would just disappear into cyber land and nobody would know I had left. but when i traveled east last week to see sean's amazing family, i realized that i was wrong. i have a few loyal followers who even though months have passed, check for updates each day and in a very nice and not pushy way, called me out.


so, i figure there is some catching up to do. and i have many stories to tell, but first there is an important person to discuss...

ian.


my ian turned 5 last month, and even still i have to look at the ceiling and blink a few times to avoid tearing up. my baby. discussing the fact he's going to kindergarten this year, cannot even be a topic of discussion in our house. and the fact that i found so much joy in holding his giant, long body in the airport last night while he slept in my throbbing arms is a topic better suited for a therapist I suppose. 


there is something about 5. you come to terms when your kids turn 2, that they aren't a baby anymore. then 3 and 4, they are still so little. at 5, something changes. they have ideas and thoughts, and big questions. they don't need you as much in the ways that have become so normal over the years. they get dressed and brush their teeth on their own, and can open the fridge and help themselves to a snack. there is no surprise that society deemed this the age kids can go off to school and leave the arms of their mommies to learn and become smart, and grown-ups. sigh.


the last 5 years have flown by. i think about alex the day he was born. how much she has changed. i think about the week following his birth which held so much fear and uncertainty. i think about how much he's grown and how much he has stayed the same. and i think about what our life would be without him. we were a family when we had alex, but now we are so much more.


this week, we were at an amusement park and the kids had just finished a ride. upon getting off they couldn't find me right away. alex grabbed ian's hand and pulled him close looking frantically all around for me. i saw her turn to him, and assure him that mom was close and to stick with her. he looked at her with the most genuine look of trust and smiled. and the tears well up again...


as we were waiting for our flight home last night (trip posts to follow), and i held him as he slept, a family of 7 came and sat near us. i watched the siblings fighting over a bag of cheetos from the vending machine. i saw the mother struggling with bags and looking exhausted. it's these moments where my heart splits in two in my want for a larger family and the fear of what that would mean for us. i saw her pull out a giant bag of pill bottles and rest them on her lap, she slouched back in her chair and let out a deep sigh. i glanced to the father also looking exhausted while trying to care for all the kids and that's when i saw their middle son.


he was bald from chemotherapy, and had a 'make a wish foundation' necklace around his neck. he carried his many souvenirs from disney world with a giant smile on his face. he sat next to his mother and put his hand on her back and he smiled and said, 'tired mom?' 

at that moment, i thanked god for the health of my kids. parents talk about the struggles of parenthood, and the fatigue of sleep deprivation. they talk about the balance of work and home life. they discuss the best diet for their children, and the trendy toys of the year, they want the best for their children. the best schools, the best life, the best programs and activities and i'm guilty of all of this. but in that one moment, all i wanted was for the continued health of these two amazing kids in my life.


like those mornings after one too many glasses of wine when you proclaim, 'i'm never drinking again!' i vowed, (as i have before) to never take the health of my family for granted again. not ever.


so on ian's 5th birthday, i'm so thankful for the last 5 years and i'm so hopeful that he'll have 100 more. he is a bright, caring, LOUD AND BOISTEROUS love who cares immensely for his sister and LOVE LOVE LOVES his momma (and dad) and has the best one liners!


this year, despite the struggle to get everyone together on his birthday (the 4th of july holiday sends so many out of town) i decided, it was his year for a smashing party and he chose superhero theme (i'll post pics of the party shortly) i made him part of the planning, asking his opinion on 'this and that', showing him pictures on pinterest on possible cake ideas. he looked forward to this day for weeks.

this year, he's so big, and SO OLD we got him a set of golf clubs so that one day, he can buy his momma a great big house and an Audi TT from winning the PGA tour. this kid has a swing that will blow your mind and a smile that will melt your heart.