the story about a girl who was a mom and the conversation with her mom

once upon a time, there was a girl. well, she was technically a woman. but she felt like a girl still. so let's call her a girl.

ahem. never mind. makes her sound young and 'immaturey'.

once upon a time, there was a girl. a 35 year old girl.

okay, scratch that. she was a mom.

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MOM. she was on her way home from work one day teetering on that 45 minute realm of 'this is my me time sitting here on this freeway not moving at all so let's try to enjoy it' and 'oh my gosh, i have no idea what to make for dinner and i think sean is working late, and we are totally out of eggs and bread', so PANIC!

so the mom picked up her kids from school and drove directly to the store. and the kids complained from the back seat that they always have to go to the store and they hhhaaaaaaattte going to the store and NO FAIR we have to go to the store.

so the mom explained that if she didn't sometimes go to the store, that when they asked for their 769th snack of the day there just might not be any food left. and they said that is fine with them. they don't need snacks!

and that is the moment the mom realized that this night was gonna be AWESOME. like, in the not awesome (it's going to totally suck) way.

so the mom, being sort of a 'go big and go hard kind' of mom decided that if the night was gonna suck she was going to make it as easy on her as possible. so she did what any mother would do (RIGHT?) and bought her kids dinner and the next days lunch IN A BOX. dinner being one of those 'kids cuisine' microwave meals the kids get once a year but get as excited about as mom and dad do for their bi-yearly date night. lunch you ask? a well balanced 'lunch able' complete with rice crispy treat.

the mom was excited to go home and 'beep beep beep' have dinner be ready in 2 minutes and 30 seconds and lunch ready as quickly as she could un-zip and re-zip her kids lunch bags. she knew she'd get through her 'mommy guilt' rather quickly on this one and would do better tomorrow.

so the mom arrived home and 'beep beep beep' popped dinner in the microwave.

when the phone rang and the girl saw that it was her mom (yes, she's a girl again. her mom is calling) she picked it up and asked her mom how her weekend was. and just when the girl started to have a conversation with her mom, of course the kids started fighting over the couch cushions and debating on who was taking up more room and who was on who's cushion and so and so looked at me funny, and 'MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' so the girl asked her mom to hold as she had a super important debate to settle.

and when the super important debate was settled, she got back on the phone to ask her mom AGAIN how her weekend was. and just when her mom started to answer she watched her son fling his 'gummy sticky hand' he'd won at big al's over the weekend up onto the vaulted ceiling. 18 feet up.

'can you hold on please mom?, i have another situation' the girl asked.

'IAN I JUST ASKED YOU NOT TO FLING YOUR GUMMY STICK HAND ONTO THE CEILING. HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE I WILL GET THAT DOWN?!'

she picked up her phone again 'sorry mom, go ahead' the girl said.

and as the girls mom started to tell her about her weekend, the girl went out to the cluttered and messy garage. you see the mom (yes, she's a mom again because moms have jobs and responsibilities and way to much to do) is moving in one month. and nothing is in it's place or easy to find or where it should be. so the mom rummaged around until she found her big long painting extension pole.

and she brought that pole into the living room and stood on a chair with her phone balancing between her shoulder and her cheek, and she began to poke around at this gummy sticky hand and tried to remove it from the ceiling while hearing her mom tell her about her weekend.

'sorry mom, can you hold on. i'm about to fall off this chair, or drop my phone, or accidentally swear in front of the kids, if i don't eliminate one task from my current state'.

so she puts the phone down and futz's with the pole and to no avail the gummy sticky hand won't come off.

the girl picks up the phone and explains to her mom what she was doing and her mom laughs. maybe at the visual picture, or maybe at the situation, or maybe because she's happy it's not her balancing on a chair with a big long pole in her hands trying to remove a toy that cost 375 tickets and probably $36 dollars from the arcade that we went to because it rained for 48 nonstop hours this weekend.

'so mom, you were telling me about your weekend...go on' the girl says.

so the mom heads upstairs to start her son's bath and when she get's to the top of the stairs and her mom is telling her about her weekend, she see's that her dog has ripped up her less than 2 year old loop carpeting. and she's staring at this scene, 3 weeks before she needs to move wondering where the dog is because she's going to kill him.

'mom, yeah. hi. sorry to interrupt. i'm staring at my carpeting right outside ian's door AND IT SEEMS THAT CHIP HAS TORN IT UP AND I'M BEGINNING TO FREAK OUT' the girl shouts.

'oh my' her mom says. 'please, try to remain calm. is it bad?'

'yes it's bad! the carpet is TORN up! like, he was trying to dig to china torn up and we are selling our house and what. the. hell. am i going to do now?'

'you are going to remain calm' her mom said.

so the girl marched downstairs and poured herself a giant glass of wine and tried to do just that. remain calm.

'mom, can we have a snack?' the kids began to chirp.

and the mom's eyes got big and crazy. 'oh, well. it's your lucky day. since we went to the store today if you'll remember. i do have a few snack items you can now choose from' she replied.

the children, not detecting her sarcasm screamed with joy and ran into the kitchen for a snack.

'mom, are you still there?' the girl asked.

'yes.' she said.

'so tell me again, how was your weekend?'

$#&@, $%*@, and every other swear word.

This is the lovely, custom built doghouse we had built.



This is the lovely & unique gate we had built for the large area of our yard we've transformed into a dog run.



This is our SOAB dog amongst his newly laid 6 yards of cedar chips.



And this is the hole the SOAB punched in our back gate today.



To get to this lovely vacant, mud pit of a field behind us.



And $100 shelter fee seemed like a bargain. I will not be using any of this for his craiglist ad.

Just a few knee slappers

It's been one of those weeks where I swear, EVERYTHING makes me laugh. I'm blaming it on my water consumption (a personal challenge to get out the coke and get in the H20), or the high doses of vitamins I've been taking to ward off H1N1. But seriously, I have a few funnies to share.



The first, has already been published on facebook, but still it has me laughing. Last week, while Sean was in DC for work I was plowing my way solo through the bedtime routine. Baths, teeth brushing, getting Ian to have an interest in the toilet, hair brushing, STORY TIME. As Ian stood naked at the sink brushing his teeth (a new favorite), I helped him along brushing the back ones when I found low and behold his 2 year molars poking through. I got a bit excited. I said 'Wow Ian, look at that! They are coming in!'



Alex's response? 'What Mom, his wiener hairs?'





I truly have no idea. And I choose not to question it, as it's just one of the many funny things she says on a daily basis.



Like yesterday, when she asked me what that thing in her room is. 'You know Mom, that thing on my dresser you turn on when I have the chokes?' 'The chokes?' I said, 'It's a humidifier, and it's for when you have a cough'.



Her and I also had an argument this week as I was clipping her nails. I said, 'Wow, you have a hangnail'. She replied, 'No Mom, it's a skin ripper'. OK.



Sean, (my first baby) also had a funny this week. We were cruising around town, having one of those 'bed bath & beyond/home depot/Costco' sorta Saturdays when he asked me what kind of car was in front of us. I have this strange knack in remembering all cars, make and model. It's a random obsession of mine, don't ask. Anyway, he said 'It's not quite an SUV and not really a mini-van?' I said, 'Yes, it's a Buick Enclave and they call them crossovers.' His reply? 'Crossing over into UGLY'. Of course the whole car had a laugh out of that. The funniest part? We pretty much have a 'crossover' ourselves. Niiiiiccce.

Ian should not be left out, he is quite proud (as he should be) when he uses the toilet. He looks forward to his skittle reweard and very exuberantly ALWAYS exclaims, 'I'm so proud of you MOM!' when he's done and always has to call SOMEONE, whether it be Sean or PopPop to tell them 'I PEE!'

Little people, little brains. It's so freaking adorable.

For anyone interested, we have some Chip news. Yes, we still sorta love him although the love is deeper some days than others. Most recently, we have learned that he has been sneaking up on to the couch at night after we go to bed. As if the over-priced, Sherpa covered, and down filled dog bed is NOT SOFT ENOUGH! With some super sluething, we have found that about 20 minutes after we go upstairs he stands, stretches and climbs right on up there. The next morning, when Sean's alarm clock goes off we can hear him jump down and go back to his bed. Super sneaky eh? Well, we are on to him and have begun piling baby gates, brooms and benches on the couch at night. The first night we did that, he woke up VERY salty the next day obviously perturbed.

Further more, we invested some money in some aesthetically pleasing backyard gates and fences to keep him in his 'own area' to avoid the trampling of our grass and shrubs. Well, the last two days the dirty rat has dug himself out leaving him food and water-less the rest of the day. How can such a calculated and coniving nighttime dog be such a dumbass during the day? Who's idea was it to get a dog again? Oh, yes. Mine.