It was a typical Wednesday night...

I'm sitting here at my desk chuckling and I cannot stop. Every few minutes the mental image of what I witnessed last night flashes in front of my eyes, blocks the dual monitors I work from and makes me giggle out loud.

It was a typical Wednesday night, I was on my own for bedtime as Sean has committee meetings. I was dragging myself through the motions, checking the clock and wondering if it was acceptable for me to go to bed at 8:15.

It's no secret that Alex has what we call, 'emotions'. She's got a temper and at times we find ourselves leaving a room to let her work out her frustrations, to scream ridiculously, or pitch whatever fit she feels necessary to deal with her baggy pant leg, her itchy shirt, or the fact that she left her 'shiny' (sleep blanket) down in the laundry room.

It was one of those nights, emotions mixed with a dose of crazy from some early Easter Candy had her bouncing around on her bed as I tried to tuck her in. I gave up, told her I'd come back in a few minutes after she calmed down and headed to the storage closet to pull out the easter basket she needed for school the next day.

It was when I was deep in the closet and had crawled over suitcases, wrapping paper containers and several bins of tiny baby clothes that I heard the screaming. It was a blood curdling scream which is not unusual when she is REALLY MAD at her untied shoelace or otherwise so I didn't panic.

I took my time gathering what I needed, I even took a few seconds to scoot the suitcases out of the way and slowly crawled out wondering if we ever move out of this house if I could just leave all this stuff here.

The screams continued and I leisurely walked down the hall, head back, eyes rolling wondering if I was ever going to be able to sit down in peace this evening.

I turned the corner into her room and had to stifle with EVERY bit of strength I had from laughing out loud as I found Alex dangling upside down from the foot board of her bed. Her feet were in the air, she was hanging by one arm grasping onto her antique iron bed frame with a look of fear on her face that SHE JUST MIGHT FALL 4 INCHES TO THE FLOOR was priceless.

I lifted her up and asked what happened and she frantically told me her tale that she wasn't jumping around crazily but organizing her pillows. And she somehow, rather than flinging herself off the bed, was SHOT off the bed by the force of nature that is her 'shiny' as she tried to cover herself with it. I nodded, told her I was sorry for what happened and covered her up and left the room and laughed and I have not stopped.

For all the drama we deal with as parents, and for the long nights trying to get them into bed I've learned that sometimes we are returned with just a tiny karmic gift. And next time I find myself exhausted, and frustrated because she has to go to the bathroom for the 3rd time, or needs another drink of water, I am going to remember this moment of her dangling, panic stricken, upside down, by one arm, looking at me as if I am the one person that can save her from death and I'll get through it.

The Tooth Fairy paid us a visit...

Yesterday morning on the way to work, I missed a phone call. Whether I was still half asleep or the radio was so loud I didn't hear it, it wasn't until I pulled into the parking lot at work that I saw 'missed call - home'.

Of course I panic, I wonder if I forgot something like my computer which I frequently do. Or maybe, one of the kids is sick and Sean needs me to turn around and come home, or maybe Alex's library book is missing and she won't go to the bus until she finds it.

Not this time. When I called back, Alex answered.

"Hi Mom, I lost my tooth"

I grinned ear to ear and cried a little. My baby girl lost her first tooth. I mean, it's no surprise the thing has been dangling by a thread for days but somehow that didn't make it any easier. It's a milestone I'll never get back with her, her smile will never be the same. Her tiny little straight teeth no longer. And again, like many of her firsts, I missed it.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm also afraid. Very afraid. Afraid, that what will come in from beneath her cute little baby teeth will be something similar to mine. Large, crooked, and bucked teeth that took years and years of my parents time and hard earned money to give me the straight toothed smile I have today. We've started college funds for the kids, but not until today did I think we maybe should have started braces funds as well.

As a result, last night was my first chance to play 'tooth fairy'. I took it very seriously. I made a special trip to the coffee cart in my building to break a $10 bill. After the kids went to bed I wrote out on special paper a note from the tooth fairy complete with scalloped cut edges, and a fairy sticker. After a lengthy argument with Sean regarding the $5 (he wanted to trade it out with a buck and I sternly objected and argued that inflation is real and and important consideration) I placed the note with the $5 bill under my sleeping princesses pillow and tip toed out.

This morning she came running into our room to say, "Mom, the tooth fairy came. She used my craft paper and my special scissors and stole one of my stickers. Are you sure she didn't get the $5 out of your purse?"

And like so many things I try so hard to do 110%, I may have blown the tooth fairy's cover on the first lost tooth of my first born child.

Earthquake Preparedness: 101

Yesterday, at my quarterly work meeting I had the incredible honor and privilege of hearing a co-worker who endured and survived the recent Japan earthquake speak.

It was riveting to say the least. To hear his story, and what he went through was life changing. For him to recount the excruciatingly long 5+ minutes he endured on the 30th floor of an office building was heart wrenching. 'I reached for my phone from under the table, but could not type', 'The buildings were swaying and in opposite directions', 'I thought this was the end', 'Millions of people in the streets with nowhere to go', 'people stuck and terrified in the monorails'.

It's hard to imagine from way over here the true devastation. We watch news clips and we pray that the destruction will stop. We hope that people eventually reach their loved ones that are still missing. We feel helpless. We feel grateful it's not us and fear that someday it will be.

There is no denying that Portland and the rest of the west coast is at risk for such a catastrophic event and in times like this when I have no other way to help I write.

Over the course of the week I've listened to various news and radio programs, I've read blogs on earthquake safety and preparedness. I heard a co-worker explain what got him through and so I've decided to write down my findings first and foremost to organize the items I plan to gather together but also in hopes that my friends and family may find it helpful and god forbid we ever find ourselves in this horrific situation we are prepared, as best we can be. If nothing else, It just makes me feel better to know I've done what I can.

Before an Earthquake

1. I think the biggest fear people have (or at least mine) is to be at work and away from their children. Or, to not be able to reach friends and family. My co-worker that spoke explained that he was neither able to text or phone his wife for some time. However, he was able to Facebook and Twitter to his loved ones. He used this means for days to communicate. So if you currently boo the social network, use this as a reason to at least sign up in case you need it as a form of communication. It is recommended that your family identify an out of state contact to reach and keep tabs on everyone as it is easier to call out on external lines than local ones. Also, identify a meeting place if your family lives close.

2. Most of us plug our phones into electric wall chargers. In an earthquake, the power may go out so look into battery packs and external charges for your cell phone or computers.

3. Generators can be used to temporarily restore electricity to your home. They are fairly inexpensive for a smaller one and could prove useful for any natural disaster.

4. Bolt down and secure heavy objects in your house. This includes water heaters, refrigerators, furnaces, and gas appliances. Fasten shelves, bookcases, mirrors, and brace high and top heavy objects such as armoire's to wall studs.

5. Locate and identify safe spots in each of the rooms in your home. For those that have children include them in this process. Safe spots include under heavy tables or against an inside wall, and away from windows.

6. Store at least 3 days of food and water for your family. 2 quarts of water per day per person. Children, nursing mothers, and the elderly may need more. Change this water supply every 6 months. Keep liquid bleach on hand to kill micro-organisms if you have to use untreated or contaminated water. 16 drops per 1 gallon of water and let stand for 30 minutes. Ready to eat canned meats, fruits, vegetables, high energy foods such as peanut butter, jelly, crackers, granola bars, trail mix; foods that will not increase thirst. Vitamins, foods for infants and elderly with special dietary needs. Comfort/Stress foods: cookies, hard candy, sweetened cereals, lollipops, instant coffee, tea bags. Pet Food, at least one ounce per animal pound per day. Avoid foods like rice, pasta and dry beans that require a great deal of water and remember to restock your food once a year.

7. Ensure you have a collection of medical supplies: sterile bandages, safety pins, cleansing agent (soap) latex globes, sunscreen, gauze pads. Non prescription drugs such as pain relievers, Antacid, Syrup of Ipecac (used to induce vomiting), scissors, tweezers, needle, moistened towelettes, antiseptic, thermometer, and tube of petroleum jelly.

8. Supplies to keep on hand: paper cups, plastic plates and utensils. Battery operated radio and batters, cash or travelers checks in case banks are closed, non electric can opener or utility knife, fire extinguisher, pliers, tape (duct tape actually keeps toxins out of your home), matches in waterproof container, aluminum foil, signal flair, paper/pencil, needles/thread, medicine dropper and a wrench to turn off gas and water.

9. Have sturdy shoes or work boots, rain gear, blankets and sleeping bags and warm clothing on hand.

10. Make sure all critical documents including will, insurance policies, contracts, deeds, stocks and bonds, passports, social security cards, immunization records, bank account numbers and family records such as (birth, marriage, death certificates) are in a central location if not kept in a safe.

During an Earthquake

1. If indoors, take cover under a sturdy desk, table, or bench or against an inside wall. Stay away from glass, windows, outside doors and walls or anything that can fall such as light fixtures or furniture. If in bed, stay there and protect your head with a pillow. Use a doorway for shelter only if it is in close proximity. Stay inside until shaking stops and it is safe to go outside. Most injuries occur when people are hit by falling objects when entering or exiting a building. DO NOT USE ELEVATORS.

2. If outdoors, STAY THERE. Move away from buildings, streetlights, and utility wires.

3. If in a moving vehicle stop as quickly as safety permits and stay in vehicle. Avoid stopping near or under buildings, trees, overpasses and utility wires.

4. If trapped under debris, do not light a match. Do not move about or kick up dust. Cover your mouth with a handkerchief or clothing.

After an Earthquake

1. Be prepared for aftershocks.

2. Open cabinets cautiously and stay away from damaged areas.

3. Beware of tsunamis if you live in coastal areas.

I'm quite aware that this is a depressing and scary concept to grasp. Nothing sounds more depressing than spending time putting together disaster relief kits for your family. For me, I'm making this a priority to ensure that worst case we find ourselves in this position? I've done what I can to protect my children, my family and have communicated a plan with them in how to reach each other. Because the most important thing to me would be the peace of mind that my loved ones are safe, and alive.

I'm sending constant prayers to Japan and all the people there and hoping for an imminent stop to the continued devastation, every day, every hour, every minute.

7 years Ago

This not for the faint of heart or for those who have not yet had children; are still considering it, but have doubts.

It never ceases to amaze me how life can so quickly and abruptly change. My mom has told me several times in the last year that your life can COMPLETELY change in 7 years. If you look back 7 years, where did you live? Did you have a different job? Were you single where now you're not? Were you childless and now run ragged by little people?

Last week I had a day that made me roll my eyes, it made me shudder, it made me gag, and near the end when I thought I couldn't take anymore it made me laugh. Of course all of this occurred on the busiest day of my work month, it always does. Like clock work.

7 years ago, I may have woken up to the sound of my alarm clock. I'd hop in the shower, get ready for work, and head downstairs to gather my neatly packed lunch. The coffee would already be brewing because I would have started it the night before and set the timer. It would have taken me 3 minutes to get dressed as I'd have ironed and laid out my clothes the night before. Today, I wake up to a curly headed, bad breathed 3 1/2 year old standing at the edge of my bed who 'wants to go downshtairs and have cheerios'. On the way down, I find my other curly headed 5 year old perched on the toilet mumbling in her half asleep gibberish that she's out of toilet paper and she's so tired, 'can I wipe her?'.

7 years ago, I would have spent 2 hours on a Sunday doing our laundry. 2 maybe three loads including towels. Today, I spend practically my whole life running laundry for four. It's an EVERYDAY deal. If I'm not starting it, I'm changing it, or folding it or putting it away and regardless of all that there is always 3 full laundry baskets at the top of my stairs. So I wear the jeans I wore 2 days ago, and the sweater I think I wore Friday and hope nobody notices.

7 years ago, I would have kissed Sean goodbye, and said 'Have a good day'. We may have talked about our schedules for the day and I may have tidied up the house before leaving, ensuring that when I get home, it's just as I like it. Today, I don't directly say goodbye to Sean or talk to him at all because a)I'm late, and b)I've kissed two milk mustache ridden tiny humans and don't want to leave a mark. I do however overhear him explaining to Ian what a 'wedgie' is. 'It's kind of when your undies get stuck in your Heine', he says. 7 years ago, Sean would never EVER have used the words 'undies' or 'heine'. I trip over a trail of toy cars on the way out the door and shut the door to the train wreck that is my house and I'm off to work.

7 years ago, I would have driven to work in my fast and powerful Red Honda Prelude. The car would be glistening because I would have washed it over the weekend and vacuumed it out within the last month. I LOVED THAT CAR. Today, I drive in a FILTHY, rotten cheerio ridden, art project infested MDX (WHICH I LOVE) but let's face it. It's a minivan without the sliding doors. I throw my target bag filled with some (well thought out and planned) lunch items like Gogurts and string cheese onto the passenger seat, pull down the mirror to check my face and then I spend the next 20 minutes driving to work and wondering why I look so weird.

Halfway there it hits me. I've forgotten Mascara. On one of my eyes.

7 years ago, I would have worked late. Put in close to 10 hours because hey...Sean is in grad school and what else am I going to do? Today, I get a phone call at 2:30 that Ian is sick and has thrown up on his nap blanket. So I leave EARLY. I take him home and find the dog has thrown up in my hallway. 7 years ago I never had to clean up vomit.

7 years ago I'd go home and I can't for the life of me remember what I did. I may have, I don't know...RELAXED? Kicked my feet up? Taken a load off? I would probably make ONE healthful dinner for the two of us, watch a show or two and be in bed by 9. Today, I go home and start my second job of making 2 variations of dinner, wash other people's bodies, read books, organize homework, pack the kids lunch and sit down for the first time somewhere around 9.

Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom. I love my kids more than life, and if I could I would not go back to 7 years ago. Well, I take that back. Most Days I would not go back. But I do admit on days such as these I wonder how I got here. How in 7 years my standards, my life, and the cleanliness of which I live in has so drastically been compromised.

Sometimes I just laugh as I look back over the past 7 years. I think back to Sean and I planning our family and what we thought that would mean for us. We never imagined our kids would break our noses and give us black eyes. We never thought we'd be patching walls from slamming doors and settle for hot dogs and mac and cheese on a Saturday night. You would never imagine that the times in which you work best together or support each other would be when your kids are sick and throwing up all over the place. I mean, what High School 'captain of the football team' would ever stand up and confess that one day he'll use the words 'Undies' and 'Heine' in front of his kids to prevent 'potty word' talks with teachers at school. If someone told me that having kids meant going to work with half your makeup on, I may have re-considered.

My mom tells me many wise things that maybe 7 years ago I would not have listened to. But now, when she says 'you will one day look back on this moment and laugh and then be sad at how time has flown' I believe her. Because although most of these last 7 years have been the hardest in my life, they have been the best too. And 7 years from now, I know that I will not have a tiny, brown toothed little fellow who can't pronounce his s's at my bedside needing me to make him breakfast. Unless of course, one day Sean changes his mind on having another bambino. I guess 7 years will tell...

If you're looking for sunshine, look away. LOOK AWAY!

I literally cannot stop shaking my head. Left, right, left, right....I shrug. I look around as if something somewhere is going to give me SOME clue on how to get through. Or maybe, if I tilt my head and squint my eyes everything will become clear. Like, what did I do to deserve some catastrophic dose of karma?

I'm being dramatic. At least it will appear that way to anyone reading who isn't me today. And maybe even tomorrow when I'm hopefully not on the brink of snapping like a frayed rubber band I'll say, 'Jeez Carrie, what a drama queen'. But not today. I am allowing myself these 10 minutes of self pity. PURE SELF PITY. Because I fear, if I don't write this out I may eat the tub of leftover Halloween candy that (YES) is still tucked away in the pantry.

I'm here because for the last 5 hours, I've been either shielding myself and my work laptop from flying tinker toys or chasing around a 3 year old pink eye infested bundle of energy trying to get one drop of antibiotic in each eye without him squinting or crying them out in a horrible flailing fit.

Let's go back.

Yesterday was Day 2 of close. For all non-finance or accounting nerds, this is that crucial time of the month. That deadline infested, balancing act of a time where on Day 2 in particular I have to squeeze around 15 hours of work into 8. Or 10 if I'm lucky to have Sean available to pick up the kids. Well, yesterday was one of those unlucky days where I needed to do it in 8. And hahahahahahahahahaha. Didn't happen.

Of course I went in with every intention of rock starring it out, but as the hours ticked by (faster than normal) and by noon I was sweating. I was WAY behind. All those little things that can hold things up happened. And when I panic, I make stupid little mistakes that take extra time. And at 3, when I knew I was in trouble the head shaking started. And then the phone rang.

RING RING

Me: 'This is Carrie'

Daycare Employee: 'Hello, Carrie. This is _____ from Ian's School. He just woke up from nap and we are all pretty confident he has pink eye in both eyes.'

Me: 'Well, that's interesting. I imagine you need me to pick him up asap and he probably can't return to school until Friday' (thinking internally that OMG I have to leave early on day 2 and stay home on day 3) HEAD SHAKE HEAD SHAKE.

Daycare Employee: 'Yes, that's right. I'm sorry but pink eye is highly contagious. I'll keep him here with me at my desk until you arrive.'

I gather my belongings, grab my computer and against better judgement refrain from hitting the restroom before I leave and head out. Fast forward to 1 hour and 45 minutes later to me, STILL ON MY WAY TO GET IAN as I sit on I-5 and crawl towards a looming over-turned semi with a painful reminder that not using the restroom was by far the worst possible mistake I've ever made, ever.

It's now 5 o'clock. I'm across town and late to pick up Alex and I still have to stop at the pharmacy and I'm still SHAKING. MY. HEAD.

With Sean tied up at work until 10 there was no hope for me starting any work until the kids were in bed. Well, until the kids were in bed and they got out of bed and back into bed and out of bed and back into bed because, why wouldn't they? This was the PUNISH CARRIE FOR SOMETHING SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE DID DAY.

Fast forward to today.

Despite staying up until midnight to complete work, and getting an early start this morning I am floundering. How does one complete work with a child bouncing from couch to chair screaming, 'Mom-let's play', 'Mom-I need a snack', 'Mom-I just poo'd, can you wipe me?' HEAD SHAKE HEAD SHAKE.

I sit here with a pile of work to do, in a FILTHY house lacking enough of anything to make dinner tonight, and a load of laundry rotting in the washer since Tuesday. It becomes apparent to me that 5 years later, I'm still trying to figure out this 'working mom' thing. What I've learned is, it's possible as long as I give in to the entire core of my being. That tiny disappearing core that thrives on order, and cleanliness and productivity. That core of me that likes to give things 110% is sort of flat lined at maybe 50%. I've learned that you really only can spread yourself so thin and today, like that last little scraping from the peanut butter jar you hit a point where it's just gone.

So now, if you will excuse me I will put closure on this pity party and head off to find the antibiotic drops Ian has hidden from me because my eyes are now red and burning. But not before I leave you with a photo. You got to love him right?

Sidenote: the black front tooth is not a symptom of 'pink eye'. It is indeed a black tooth from a nasty face bump on a tunnel slide. Root canal to follow next week. HEAD SHAKE HEAD SHAKE.

Love.

You're in the 5th grade and you repeatedly trace the name of the boy to your left into your peechie folder. And you think you know what love is.

You dance with your highschool sweetheart at Prom, and you think you know what love is.

You meet the person you're going to marry and you're well on your way to knowing what love is.

You watch the person you marry, hold their first child. And now you can see what love is.

And then one day, you sit down with your two kids at a dirty table in red robin and you glance over to find them snuggled up to that person you married and love does not begin to explain it.

Two Months in a Nutshell, a REALLY BIG NUTSHELL.

Well.

I'm not sure where to begin, and part of me, the 'always wanting to be on top of things' part of me wants to go back and thoroughly document all the amazing moments since my last post. Yet, the same part of me knows it's just not going to happen so we are going to abbreviate. HIGHLIGHTS:

**In October, we had an amazing visit from Sean's brother, sister, and brother's super awesome girlfriend that we got to meet for the first time. We had a lot of fun hanging out, playing a rousing game of Cranium, heading out for dinner, and showing them a bit of our beloved P-Town.

**Beginning December 5th, I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with Nike. What do you get for working a consecutive 10 years at Nike you ask? A 5 week sabbatical people. Five freaking fantastic weeks with NO ALARM CLOCK. I can't quite describe in words what this time off meant to me. It was a gift that I'm still (after two weeks back to work) trying not to squash because the transition back has been nothing short of hard. It's like waking up from an hour long facial by way of a swift slap to the face if I'm being honest. And I'm still holding my cheek going, WTF?

**As a gift to myself and my poor enduring husband who puts up with my foulness 9 months of the rainy, cold and dreary year we kicked off my sabbatical with a trip to Hawaii. We traveled bravely with our good friends and their two kids for an 8 person week of fun in sunny Maui. It was fantastic, it would have been more fantastic had 4 of the 8 not acquired the stomach flu during our stay but we made the best of it. Better to be sick in Hawaii, right? I'd love to post an entire book on our fun there and maybe someday I will but my emotional state is too fragile to go to that happy place for fear of drowning in a sea of self pity that it's over, and the next time I feel warmth is still 5 months away. Side note: Last week I was upset with Sean for calling me 'dramatic'. I intend to apologize for that this evening.

**The next 4 weeks are a blur. What I do know, is I spent them doing what I wanted. I made no commitments to people. I planned no more than 24 hours in advance and I did what I usually DON'T get to do and that is be the mom I've always wanted. I played with my kids, I baked Christmas cookies (they were terrible, but so), I had play dates and got on the floor to build airplanes with tinker toys and dress barbies. I did laundry and grocery shopped on weekdays which left time on the weekends for good quality family time. I allowed people into my home without the intense embarrassment and shame I feel over the tornado path that is usually our abode. We attended some Blazer games, and had dinner with friends. And for the first time in years, I did not end each day with a headache and neck pain.

**We had a very memorable and relaxed Christmas. There is nothing like some good quality family time to bring perspective to what is important in life.

**A final highlight for me was hammering out some unfinished projects around the house. I started the massive project of remodeling our master bathroom. I organized and re-painted the kid's playroom and did artsy fartsy crafty sorts of things that my mind and body crave on a daily basis.

**Last but not least, I died my hair red. Drastic, yes. Platinum blonde to Auburn'y brown Red. Jury is still out on whether it will stick around. I still shock myself when I look in the mirror and wonder where the heck I am, but something deep inside was begging for change. So I changed.

And now? It's all over. Reality is here and I miss my kids something FIERCE. It's like the first weeks you leave your kids at daycare when returning to work after maternity leave. I know this feeling. And I know it will subside with time, but I'm not gonna lie. IT SUCKS.

The good news is, in 5 years time I'll have another 5 weeks off that I'll kick off with a public burning of my jerk of an alarm clock and maybe at that time I'll finish the war zone that is our bathroom. Here's hoping I make it...